The last episode of ABC's Bachelor in Paradise left us literally in the middle of a physical fight. A physical fight that started because of a piñata. Jordan Kimball decided to knock down the piñata Christian Estrada had set up for Nicole Lopez-Alvar, which then led to them pushing each other back and forth...
And this is where August 19's episode begins. After the pushing escalates, Jordan throws Christian off of one of those daybed platform things and they continue trying to fight each other on the beach. At this point, security rushes in to pull them off each other. Jordan moves away from the situation with no problem, but Christian breaks free and tries to run back to Jordan. Twice. Of course, the, like, eight security guards catch him easily. Christian also takes off his shirt while security is walking him away, because men.
The show handles things very swiftly after this, both from a production standpoint and the edit of the aftermath we see on the show, and it's very well done. A producer and Chris Harrison sit down with Jordan and Christian separately and tell them that there is a zero tolerance policy for physical altercations, so they both have to go. (Thank goodness. If you ask me, there was no one to root for here.) Chris Harrison lets the cast know the duo are leaving, and they give some commentary that makes it sound like they're fighting in a war. "We had to send two men home," Nicole says, dramatically. Well, they served their time.
Speaking of Nicole, with Christian out of the picture, she finds comfort in Clay Harbor once again. She wanted a man who would be more aggressive in pursuing her, she says of the fight, "but not like this." Nicole and Clay kiss on a daybed next to what appears to be an unacknowledged plate of petit fours. All is well.
Also with Jordan and Christian gone, now only two men are set to leave at the rose ceremony. The rose that is most up in the air is Hannah Godwin's, which is either going to Dylan Barbour or to Blake Horstmann. Dylan tries to woo Hannah with a cheese plate and a bowl of gummy worms. Blake tries to woo her by saying, "Tonight I want to remind you why you have a little bit of a crush on me" and... brings out a mariachi band. They dance, which is Blake's ~move~. Blake and Hannah start making out, right where Dylan can see them. "Everyone’s like, 'Don't watch,'" says Dylan. "I'm like, 'I need to see it.'" He cries.
Before the rose ceremony begins, Onyeka Ehie announces that she'll be leaving. As she says in her confessional, "I just feel like I've been passed by by every person here ... The same girls are going on the same dates." That really sucks. It also sucks that this is hard for her to the point where she feels she can't just chill on the beach and drink margaritas with Wells Adams. You can tell the pressure really got to her.
With this revelation, now three guys are going home. The couples go as follows: Demi Burnett and Derek Peth, Katie Morton and Chris Bukowski, Nicole and Clay, Caelynn Miller-Keyes and Dean Unglert, Tayshia Adams and John Paul Jones, Sydney Lotuaco and Mike Johnson, Hannah and Dylan, and Kristina Schulman and Blake. What.
First of all, with Hannah and Dylan, it's immediately like he wasn't crying over watching her make out with Blake 30 minutes ago. Everyone is happy about her decision.
Second of all, the cast is shook about Kristina and Blake. Why would she choose Blake? Does she really think he deserves a second chance at love like she says?
Well, after the ceremony she goes up to Blake and says, "Welcome to your personal hell, because you're going to be here to watch [Dylan and Hannah]." Wow. This is like when she asked Blake on a date and told the camera, "I'm going to make him my bitch."
Like, it's actually like that, because neither situation ends up being as dramatic as it seems. Kristina clarified on Twitter that she thought Blake should stay and just likes giving him shit. Oh, well. Kristina is doing what she can to make this show interesting. I'll take it.
By the way, Wills Reid, Kevin Fortenberry, and AlwaysBeCam are the ones to leave. Cam says "Always Be Crying" as he makes his exit.
The next day, a new lady enters Paradise. She's Caitlin Clemmens from Colton Underwood's season and she has a date card. Because he's the most single of them all, she asks Blake to go. In what has to be the greatest moment of the night, Blake reveals that he met Caitlin at Stagecoach too! Are you k-id-ing me? He says they didn't hook up, but damn! Please, bring out more contestants who were at Stagecoach. Never let this end.
Caitlin and Blake go to do tantric yoga (you know, for extra closeness) and he fills her in on everything that's happened with him so far in Paradise. It's a lot in the amount of stuff that's gone down and a lot for a person to take in. Caitlin is basically like, okay, whatever, dude, I just got here so let's go make out in the pool.
In his confessional, Blake says of the drama he had with four women that was directly caused by his own actions, "I'm ready to forgive myself." Blake feels he's been hard on himself, and I actually agree. He's been hard on himself by making himself one of the victims in this, when that wasn't necessary and he could have just moved on. The women said their piece about him and that was that. All he had to do was the same thing, but — and I'm taking things back into the real world for a minute — he didn't.
Moving away from that mess, Dylan gets a date card and takes Hannah and finally gets to have some alone time with her that isn't full of tears and the threat of Hannah and Blake breaking into dance. He confesses that he's falling in love with her and she says she's "all in." It's really pretty cute, and I guess I ship them now?
Back at the beach, Katie and Chris are being all flirty and cute. He thinks his sixth Bachelor show might really be the charm. And Tayshia and John Paul Jones are also all flirty and cute. He can't believe a woman as beautiful as her is giving him the time of day, and even says he's starting to fall in love with her. She calls their connection "bizarre," but she's into it. Meanwhile, I haven't forgotten how in the trailer for the full Bachelor In Paradise season he's shown rubbing sunscreen all over Haley "Twin" Ferguson's butt! What's that about, John Paul Jones?
The final act of this episode is all about Demi. Former Bachelorette Hannah Brown arrives to talk to her friend, and, one would think, bring some news about the woman Demi's been seeing back home and who we already know is going to appear on the show. But instead, Hannah and Demi just talk about how things are going. Basically, Demi still has feelings for the woman she's dating, but also really likes Derek.
Then, she goes to talk to Derek, and, one would think, share some news with him about how she feels. But instead, it's just the same thing she's been saying all along about liking him and liking the woman. And as he has been all along, Derek is chill and says he just wants to spend whatever time with her he can.
The cast is all wondering what's happening. Why is Hannah Brown there? What did she tell Demi? What did Demi tell Derek? And the answer is... nothing.
At least not yet. The episode ends with a producer saying, "Demi would like to see Chris Harrison." Presumably, this will be her asking for the woman, who she names as "Kristian," to come down to Paradise, but, man, are they dragging this out. At least Hannah B. seems to have gotten a post-Jed Wyatt trip to Mexico out of this. I hope she spent the rest of the time chilling on a beach with a frozen drink. Just not this beach.
Losers of the Night: Christian, Jordan, Blake
Winners of the Night: Dylan, Hannah B, Stagecoach