The first week of Bachelor in Paradise got off to a rocky start when everyone on the beach loved Blake Horstmann, then everyone hated Blake Horstmann, then Blake Horstmann took things into the real world by sharing pre-show text messages between himself and Caelynn Miller-Keyes. But now, with week two, we get a fresh start and — Oh, wait, what's that? There hasn't been a rose ceremony yet? Blake's still there? Oh, okay, then. I guess it's going to be as messy as ever.
Bachelor In Paradise episode 3 opens with the rose ceremony, which feels like it's happening at long last, but in reality, these Bachelor people have only been in Mexico for a few days. The men are passing out the roses first and there are nine of them and 12 women, meaning three women are going home. The pairings go as follows: Derek and Demi, Clay and Nicole, Wills and Katie, Kevin and Sydney, John Paul Jones and Onyeka, Cam and Caelynn, Dylan and Hannah, Blake and Tayshia, Chris and Kristina. Annaliese, Bibiana, and Jane go home.
There are three things of note here: One, Tayshia Adams (Colton's Bachelor season) took Blake's rose only because she wants to stay. "I'm not a backup plan, and that's what he thinks I am," she says in her confessional. "So, Blake who?"
Two, Blake would rather have given Hannah Godwin (Colton's season) his rose, but she accepted one from Dylan Barbour (Hannah Brown's season) first. "I feel like there’s something really special between me and Hannah," Blake says in his confessional.
Three, Bibiana Julian can't catch a damn break on any of these shows. "Maybe if I would have hooked up with Blake I would have still been here," she says, driving off in a van.
The next morning, Jordan Kimball (Becca's Bachelorette, BiP 5) arrives with a date card and immediately starts getting the tea. He bonds with Hannah, immediately. She tells him his eyes are "bomb"; he tells her "You're cuter than I imagined"; and together they recap all the Blake drama. "[Blake's] putting his spoon in all the pudding," Jordan declares. "But this is my beach." He decides to go ahead and ask Hannah on a date and she says "yes"...
...and then she says "no."
Before the date, Hannah finds Jordan and tells him she can't date three people and wants to figure out how she feels about Blake and Dylan. Then, Jordan goes to confront Blake because, as he says like 20 times, he's the "mayor of Paradise" and "didn't come on Blake in Paradise season 1. This is Bachelor in Paradise season 6." The convo with Blake is basically nothingness, because Jordan is playing a character based on himself with an endless supply of one-liners, and Blake is just a normal dude who suddenly became a D-list celebrity and is having a lot of trouble adjusting.
Jordan then asks his second choice, Nicole Lopez-Alvar (Colton's season), on the date and she agrees, pretty much because the idea of going on a date with weirdo Jordan who wore the gold undies on The Bachelorette is too amusing to pass up. They go zip-lining with former BIP bartender Jorge (Jorge's back!) in the jungle where Jorge lost his virginity (okay!). Afterward, they have a conversation that is mostly them gossiping about Blake. It's not romantic.
Back at the beach, Blake loses a toenail by running into a rock and Tayshia, Caelynn, and Demi Burnett (Colton's season) agree that it's karma. Also, Cam reads a speech to Caelynn about... their time together? A bunch of motivational phrases? It's just a lot of nonsense and it weirds her out.
Thankfully, Mike Johnson from Hannah B's Bachelorette season shows up for the callback for his Bachelor audition with a date card and asks Caelynn to go. They have dinner, smile at each other a bunch, and the audience and the franchise producers get to see how Mike would handle things as a lead on his own season. He does well! The date ends with a kiss.
Somewhere in the evening surf, Cam stares off wistfully, trying not to cry and staving off images of Caelynn enjoying her date with Mike. He says in a confessional that Mike is once again "stripping away" his future with a potential wife, like Mike supposedly did on Hannah's Bachelorette season by calling Cam out on his then bad behavior (Narrator: He absolutely did not). Derek and Dylan agree Cam should probably talk to one of the other women and stop being a weird guy staring at the ocean and planning a wedding to a woman he's known for 24 hours. Cam seemingly does not agree.
That same night, Wills Reid confesses his like for Katie and she turns him down and starts crying and just seems incredibly overwhelmed by everything. (In her own words on Twitter, she was "malfunctioning," which is both a hilarious and highly accurate way to put it.) Then, she goes to Chris Bukowski (from every Bach show ever) for comfort, and it turns out they like each other and they kiss. There are always a couple more low-key couples on Paradise that don't get a ton of screen time, and it seems like Katie and Chris just might be one of them. This could be how Chris finds love on TV at long last.
But then we move back to a couple of people who are getting a ton of screen time: Hannah and Blake. Blake tells Hannah he's "all in" with her, which is a pretty easy thing to say given that none of the other women like him anymore. He also asks her to dance by the ocean, which the rest of the cast can see. Tayshia and Kristina are both like, yeah, we know that move. Blake, maybe get a new move? Then, when Blake and Hannah start making out — still in everyone's sight — Dylan decides to go down and confront them. Honestly, Dylan and Kristina should get together. They have a lot in common.
Dylan tries to talk to Hannah for a minute to see if he should even keep pursuing her or if she's just more into Blake (reasonable!), and Blake will not let him talk to her — or let her talk, for that matter. "I feel like I gave you all day today and was respectful," Blake tells Dylan. Bro, that's not how this — BiP or life — works. You didn't give Dylan the day with Hannah; Hannah and Dylan chose to hang out with each other. Eventually, Dylan walks away, and Hannah and Blake keep canoodling, with Blake telling Hannah that she did nothing wrong and that the other cast members aren't judging her. One, does Hannah need to be reassured that she did nothing wrong? She seems fine. Two, um, the other cast members are back at the bar judging her for, seemingly, choosing Blake over Dylan.
The episode ends with Dylan in his confessional saying of Blake and Hannah, "Did they date before this or something?" And the trailer for the next episode shows that Blake apparently did meet up with Hannah outside of the show. One can only hope Blake has a credit card that racks up airline miles.
Needs More Screen Time: Katie & Chris, Derek & Demi, Dylan & Someone Who Isn't Hannah.
Needs Less Screen Time: Hannah & Blake, but only after we get more deets on this pre-show visit thing, because now I'm intrigued. Also, Jordan.