So many New Year’s resolutions have one thing in common. Whether it’s eating a nutritionally balanced diet, exercising regularly, beginning a meditation practice, or participating in “Dry January,” many of the most popular fresh-start pledges are focused on improving your health. But one aspect of wellness is often overlooked: your sex life.
It should go without saying that all sex needs to be consensual — if your partner’s not in the mood, don’t pressure them. And if you don’t have a regular sex partner, don’t despair. Masturbation has many of the same benefits of sex — so much so that sexuality professionals often use the term “solo sex.”
Whether you’ve got one partner, several partners, or just your hands (or your favorite vibrator), here’s how to have more sex in 2020.
Talk About It
If you have a regular sex partner — whether that's a spouse or a friend with benefits — it's time to have a heart-to-heart and let them know that you want your sex life to change. Sit down with them at a time when you're both fully clothed and share how you're feeling, without anger.
One way to make sure you have more sex? Put it on your calendar. If you’ve got a partner or partners who are on board with the idea, set aside an hour or two each week —or every other week, or once a month — for fooling around. It may sound boring and trite, but it's a surefire way to keep sex on your minds and in your lives. Plus, it will give you something to look forward to. Don’t have a regular partner? Set aside time for masturbation — you can even make it part of your self-care routine.
Explore Responsive Desire
If the main reason you’re not having sex is you just don’t feel in the mood, try exploring responsive desire. In her book Come As You Are, sex educator Emily Nagoski differentiates between “spontaneous desire” (wanting sex out of the blue) and “responsive desire” (wanting sex in response to something, such as making out with your partner or reading erotica). According to Nagoski’s research, 55% of the population is more prone to “responsive desire” than “spontaneous desire.” If the idea of sex sounds just meh, try kissing, cuddling, or watching a sexy movie and see how you feel.
If you don’t regularly use lube, buy a bottle. Lube has many benefits: It can reduce pain and irritation during any kind of sex (both penetrative and non-penetrative) and help minimize the risk of condom breakage. It also feels great; we advocate using it for partnered sex or masturbation. Along with making sex more enjoyable, if you're having a sex marathon, lube will help minimize chafing — meaning you'll ready for round two sooner.
Set A Goal, Or Make A List
Do you usually stick to the same sex positions and want to try something new? Are you interested in exploring a fantasy? Take some time to reflect on how you want your sex life to change in 2020. Try making a “yes/no/maybe” list (either solo or with a partner), or choosing a goal you can work towards — such as having anal sex, getting into bondage, or becoming an expert sexter.
Remember, sex isn’t just penetrative. Oral sex? Sex. (It's in the name!) Fingering? Sex. Handjobs? Sex. Masturbation? Solo sex. Broad your view of what “counts” as sex, and you might start having a lot more of it.