This week, a year-old Twitter meme, "Hold my beer," found new meaning. Apparently, every celebrity and celebrity PR mastermind decided that the middle of October — usually a time reserved for saying "Ooo, it's chilly" and Googling Halloween costumes you will never actually wear — is the best time to fully dog pile news. Split confirmations, pregnancies, baby births, divorce confirmations, weddings, Timothée Chalamet's red carpet appearances, dating rumours and lots of Star Is Born chatter (never enough!) have all become one huge clusterfuck of headlines that most normal civilians do not have the patience to sift through.
So here I am, a professional entertainment journalist, making a "Hold my beer" flow chart of sorts to take you from October 6 to October 16, in what feels like the weirdest, most demanding and nonstop celeb news cycle in recent memory. (But honestly, have you seen what else is out there in the news cycle right now? Savour. This. Nonsense.)
Let's start with Pete Davidson, who kicked things off two Saturdays ago by dragging Kanye West on SNL (the week after gushing about Ariana Grande in a Weekend Update appearance that feels so awkward now). Then West figuratively says "Hold my beer" and deletes all traces of his social media accounts. Then Camila Mendes and Kylie Jenner both scream "Hold my beer" so Mendes could confirm dating rumours with her Riverdale co-star Charles Melton (we stan!), and Jenner could tease that she and Travis Scott, father to her child Stormi, are secretly married. Maybe.
Perhaps noticing how off-the-rails West's Trump-stumping was getting, Taylor Swift rolls up and sings, "Hold my beer," to break her long-standing political silence, endorsing a progressive Democrat in the Tennessee midterms. Big news right? HA! Dakota Johnson mutters "Hold my beer" while releasing a string of weirdly-specific pink and blue balloons at her Hollywood Hills birthday party igniting rumours that she is pregnant with boyfriend Chris Martin. (She says she isn't. Also, Chris Martin's ex-wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, just got married. That's her beer over there.) But you know what? Joey King says "Hold my BEER" because I am fully shaving my head, but not before West cuts in and pours an entire bottle of Delirium all over a MAGA hat, screaming "Hold my beer," as rumours are confirmed that he will meet with Donald Trump at the White House. (He would later meet with Trump in the Oval Office, reciting a 10-minute speech so incredibly discouraging that millions, including celebrities, disavowed him.)
Back in Calabasas, Blac Chyna cracks open a beer and turns to ask Kris Jenner to hold it because she would totally get back together with Rob Kardashian, but wait, "Hold my beer," because The Weeknd would like to inform us confirm that he and Bella Hadid are back together. Surprise! But then Lana del Rey says wait "Wait, hold my beer" because I need to roll up on Azealia Banks.
(Are we not out of beer yet? No? Okay, let's keep going.)
Rumours start to swirl that The Weeknd's other ex, Selena Gomez, is entering a treatment centre following an "emotional" breakdown, but Busy Philipps (inadvertently) says, "Hold my beer" when she reveals that she met the Pope after having an abortion as a teenager. To change the mood, Channing Tatum asks Busy to hold his beer by low-key revealing he is maybe dating "Domino" singer Jessie J, who doesn't not look like his ex-wife Jenna Dewan (formerly known as Jenna Dewan Tatum). Princess Eugenie says, "That's cute, but hold my beer because it's time for my Royal Wedding." Her new cousin-in-law, Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex, smirks, and (in a fake British accent), demands "Hold my beer" and reveals that she is expecting her first child with Prince Harry — the seventh in line for the throne. Prince Harry's sister-in-law Pippa Middleton (a total scene-stealer at Will and Kate's wedding seven years ago) says "Hold my beer" because I am actually having my baby this week.
Meanwhile, in the States, Drake asks West to hold his beer so he can get to the bottom of some rumours about his "beautiful" son, which he thinks West leaked. But ARIANA GRANDE SAYS "HOLD MY BEER" because after just a few short, but special months, she and Pete Davidson are calling off their engagement. Of course, that's the ideal moment for Lady Gaga to set down her beer and confirm the longstanding rumour that she is engaged to Chris Carino. (Why'd she do that, do that, do that to me?) Oh, and Chris Pratt and Anna Faris just "Hold my beer"-ed each other, reportedly confirmed their divorce.
Now, can someone please get me a beer?