It might be Labor Day, but Bachelor in Paradise rests for no one. The Monday, September 2 episode brought us... well, primarily John Paul Jones. We got John Paul Jones vs. Haley Ferguson. John Paul Jones vs. Derek Peth, Part 53454. And John Paul Jones vs. Tayshia Adams. Or more like, John Paul Jones crying loudly next to Tayshia Adams. The whole thing even resulted in a surprise exit that could work out very well for a certain someone's reality TV future.
But, before we get into the JPJ of it all, the episode begins with an "intruder" arriving in Paradise... at least if you ask Nicole Lopez-Alvar. Clay Harbour's ex Angela Amezcua is back on the beach. She's the one who had a particularly sassy bridesmaid walk in Mr. and Mrs. Coach Krystal's wedding last week. Well, after that wedding she headed over to the beach, causing some nervousness for Nicole and Clay, who are one of the most committed relationships on the beach.
Nicole wastes no time in pulling Angela aside for a chat to make sure things are clear about Clay being her "man." Angela says she's "not a drama person." While this is good enough for Nicole, a lot of the other cast members are still suspicious that Angela has an ulterior motive: to upset Clay or to try to get him back. Clay is annoyed because "I didn't come here to see my ex-girlfriend." Fair enough. He did get there first.
But, Angela is on the beach now, and she chooses Mike Johnson for her date. At dinner, they talk about her and Clay, naturally. She says it was her hardest breakup ever and that they had been planning their lives together. Mike, who really doesn't hold back with his comments and questions here, says that Clay told him the breakup "was easier for him because he never said he loved you." Yikes! Angela makes a surprised face at this, but for some reason we don't get to hear her response. The next thing we know, Mike and Angela are kissing in a canoe floating on what looks like a six-inch deep pool that is suddenly overtaken by a very fake-looking rainstorm.
Okay, now it's time for the John Paul Jones Show to start. Haley Ferguson finds out that JPJ is still into Tayshia Adams, who is now into Derek Peth. Because Haley finds this out from Derek, it reignites JPJ's massive and massively irrational beef with him.
First, Haley confronts John Paul Jones. Haley thinks he led her on by not being upfront about his feelings for Tayshia. JPJ says he's sorry, but he just likes Tayshia more, so deal with it. He also can't help complaining about Derek to Haley, saying that it wasn't "in his jurisdiction" to talk about him with her. Haley gets really bummed out; less because of JPJ and more because she's been on several Bachelor shows and is sick of being single.
Later that night, JPJ is still fired up about Derek, "a fraternity brother, who is in this to take advantage of women." JPJ adds, "I don't have a lot of claims to substantiate that." Well, at least he showed some self-awareness for a second.
Haley overhears JPJ talking about Derek and decides to call him out for being a hypocrite. She says he was being selfish by stringing her along even though he was set on Tayshia, so how can he be mad at Derek for supposedly being dishonest with Tayshia. (For the record, Derek isn't actually being dishonest with Tayshia. Tayshia and Derek are just single people who chose to flirt with each other.) Amusingly, Demi Burnett and Kristian Haggerty root for Haley in the background. Things are going well with those two, and also with Katie Morton and Chris Bukowski, Hannah Godwin and Dylan Barbour, Connor Saeli and Caelynn Miller-Keyes, and Nicole and Clay. Just so we're all up-to-date.
The next part of the JPJ saga kicks off when Derek pulls him aside for a talk, so they can reach some sort of understanding. Of course, this is impossible; JPJ's issues with Derek are not able to be understood by anyone other than JPJ. So, instead, they get into another screaming match, with everyone else watching from afar. At one point Blake Horstmann says, "This has got to be the most unattractive thing ever," which probably felt pretty good for him, considering his own BiP experience.
JPJ claims that Derek said going on BiP means that you can hookup with fans after. Derek says he said something about how that is the reality of being a reality star, but that he doesn't do it. The thing is, it doesn't matter. JPJ is mad on behalf of Tayshia, and that's the problem. Tayshia can make her own decisions. Derek and JPJ's conversation doesn't go anywhere in the end, because JPJ just starts laughing maniacally in Derek's face and accidentally (?) spits on him.
The following day, some new faces show up and let us leave the JPJ behind, however briefly. Luke Stone and Matt Donald, both from Hannah Brown's Bachelorette season, show up with a double date card. Luke — who was known for removing himself from the Bachelorette after arguing with Luke P. and looking vaguely like Nick Viall — chooses Kristina Schulman. Matt —who was known for being the potential second coming of Grocery Store Joe — chooses Sydney Lotuaco. They go out for some spicy margaritas and a walk around Puerto Vallarta. Sydney and Matt seem to hit it off more than the other pair, but Matt won't seal the deal with a kiss because "we're kind of just having fun… and I'm shy." Aww, baby's first reality show. (Well, basically.)
And, that's the end of our reprieve from John Paul Jones. Yep, now it's time for Tayshia to get involved, which, really, should have happened long ago. Tayshia and JPJ sit down and their conversation is basically him just saying he has strong feelings for her, and her saying that she didn't like him fighting with Derek. I think she could have been more blunt about not being into JPJ, but regardless, he's hit hard and we get a montage of him crying around the resort. His cry still really sounds like a loud, awkward laugh and he always hides his face so that we don't actually see the tears. Everyone can cry in their own style, I just felt that was information worth pointing out.
Next up, it's time for Derek and Tayshia to talk. She decides to break things off with him and goes with the classic, "I don't know if I can get there" phrase that Bachelor stars love. Derek, for his part, proves how good he is at reality TV. He seems genuine in the feelings he expresses, but he's not afraid to drag a conversation out and give a good sound bite while he's doing it. For example, when Tayshia says, "I don't even know what I want," he responds, "But you know it's not me." This is not to say that Derek is doing this on purpose necessarily, but he's quick witted and fine with putting it all out there. Like when he says, "If there's any feelings I'm feeling, it's self-loathing and sadness." He gets those tears out, too.
Derek's next move is also a smart one: He leaves the show. As he drives off, we hear a confessional from him about being afraid he won't ever be able to find love. There's been talk about Derek being a good Bachelor candidate, and leaving when he did left that possibility wide open. He also avoided getting into even more fights with John Paul Jones. So far, those arguments have painted JPJ in a worse light than Derek, so the guy got out while he was ahead.
Derek's departure brings tears to Tayshia's eyes and JPJ hands her a tissue to wipe them away. We don't hear anything more from JPJ this episode, but I'm convinced that he still thinks something can work out between him and Tayshia. Nicole also thinks this is possible, to which I say, please, god, no. I don't want to hear about these two anymore.
Thankfully, Tuesday night's episode looks like it'll bring something different. According to the trailer, we're getting the return of Dean Unglert sans moustache, Blake and Kristina possibly rekindling their pre-BiP romance, and some more Angela and Clay drama.
Until then, I'll leave you with this:
Three guesses as to what Dean says to Caelynn after "I came here to ask you…" in the episode 10 promo:
"I came here to ask you... to leave Paradise with me now."
"I came here to ask you... to move into my van with me. As I've explained, we will still be able to shower."
"I came here to ask you... if I look better without my mustache? Just kidding! Just kidding! I'm Dean and my boyish charm means I get away with making jokes at serious moments!"