The Tuesday, August 20 episode of Bachelor in Paradise left us wondering, How will Chris Harrison change the rules to the rose ceremony now that Kristian Haggerty and Demi Burnett are in a committed relationship? Okay, so it wasn't that great of a cliffhanger. But Monday night's episode brought us that answer and so much more. Too much more. There are too many people on this show.
First, we have to talk about that cheesy "Almost Paradise" intro, because this week, it got a new addition that made me audibly gasp." Demi is shown... and then it zooms out to show that Kristian is next to her and they're holding hands! Unprecedented!
The episode starts with Derek Peth being sad about Demi breaking things off with him, and Kristina Schulman and Tayshia Adams looking for someone for themselves to date. Kristina recommends Derek for Tayshia, and she loves the idea so much, she heads off to end things with John Paul Jones right away.
Instead of Tayshia framing the conversation as her wanting to explore other connections, she asks John Paul Jones, "Is there anyone else you want to see come down the stairs?" When he says that he wouldn't really want to go on dates with anyone other than her, she insists that he should go on dates if he wants. Really, JPJ. Like, you should totally go on dates if you want to.
Conveniently, women start showing up with their eyes set on him. Tahzjuan Hawkins from Colton Underwood's Bachelor season is first. She's really hot — an in, she's always sweaty and overheating — and she's not going to let anyone stand in her way when it comes to meeting a man. Also, as Blake Horstmann confirms, "She wasn't at Stagecoach."
Tahzjuan asks JPJ on her date and he agrees. Over footage of himself shaving his chest, he says, "Well, Tayshia, I know what I'm looking for. I'm looking for you. But if you really want me to go on this fucking date, I'll do it."
The date is one of the oddest ones in BiP history. For some reason, both Tahzjuan and JPJ are extremely giggly to where they can barely talk. He asks her the "epitimology" of her name. They talk about whether you're supposed to eat the "date food." Tahzjuan seems to simultaneously think it's fake and will give her salmonella, and she might have a point because JPJ seems to get sick after eating the congealed date food. (It may have something to do with why he barely function the whole next day. Just saying.) After JPJ defies the laws of Bachelor date food, they go swimming and make out. Tahzjuan says, "John Paul Jones might be the strangest man I've ever met, but I love strange." She really does, as you'll see.
Meanwhile, back at the resort, Caelynn Miller-Keyes is talking to Demi and bartender Wells Adams about Dean Unglert, and while she doesn't seem to have asked for advice, they have a lot of it. They think she needs to make her feelings very clear to him, so if he leaves her for someone else, he won't be able to claim he didn't know where she stood. Bachelor in Paradise is weird in that you don't necessarily want to define the relationship after only a few days together, but if you don't, the person will keep going on dates. (And sometimes even if you do make yourself clear, they make out with someone else in a pool right in front of you.)
We then see a conversation between Dean and Caelynn in which he couldn't be more blunt. This is good as far as honesty goes, but bad for Caelynn and also — yeah, I'm going to say it — the integrity of this show.
"I just want to know where your head’s at," Caelynn says. Dean responds, "All I know is I'm enjoying spending time with you." He adds, dropping the name of his podcast, "But I suck at dating." Dean cannot imagine himself settling down. "I don't want to go to dinner parties on Saturday night and talk about our feelings and emotions." The first part of that sentence sounds alright, but, oof, the ending. "It’s basically like a 'convince me otherwise' situation," he says of not wanting to continue a relationship outside of Paradise. "And I think you would be miserable as my girlfriend." Well, damn.
Caelynn says in her confessional, "I guess it's my mistake for thinking everyone comes here with the intention of having a relationship." Um, it's not your fault. That's the point of the show. Sure, not everyone ends up being there for the right reasons, but they are at least operating under the general idea that they'd be cool with dating someone. As we'll talk about further down, Kristina seems to be cruising by just so she can hangout at a resort, but even that is different than starting to date someone and then telling them you don't really want to date anyone on a dating show.
Anyway, the next new arrival to the beach is Haley Ferguson (sans her twin, Emily), and she also has her eyes on John Paul Jones. He agrees to her date offer. They ride horses. They drink champagne. He rubs sunblock all over her butt. Things go well.
But back at the beach, things are not going well for Tahzjuan. The tease about her receiving medical treatment from last week's promo is because she's overheated and dehydrated, so she's given some Gatorade and sent on her way. She also requests some guacamole from the medical staff, even though I'm pretty sure that's not a cure for any of her ailments.
She also isn't doing well emotionally. She can't stand that JPJ is on a date with someone else. When he and Haley return, she straight up asks if they kissed (they did), and she says, "I'm so glad you're here, Haley. Just kidding. I was like, Can I spit in your wine." She also keeps going on about how she and JPJ are seagulls while Haley is a pigeon.
She should probably just leave at this point, especially since after all of this, JPJ is still into Tayshia. We find out more about his feelings when Tayshia and Derek hit it off at the party before the rose ceremony. Derek tells Tayshia, "We have this friendship weird thing and I would like to break that barrier and see where this takes us." Then they kiss, which is great because they both seem great, but what does this mean for #DerekForBachelor? Mike hasn't been appearing on the show as much recently, so his chances for Bach seem like they're decreasing. If we lose Derek, too, what's going to happen? Pilot Peter? We've moved on from him now!
We have to leave the Bachelor discussion for now, though, because it's time for another round of Kristina vs. Caitlin Clemmens. Blake tells Caitlin she's "100 percent" getting his rose, but then Kristina interrupts and makes a case for why she should get a "friendship rose" from Blake, because if he's not totally into Caitlin, he shouldn't lead her on. Blake then talks to Caitlin again and tells her, "I just want you to know, I'm not 100 percent sure." Um, what? I don't understand how Kristina is doing this, but she really has some sway over Blake.
We then hear from the Katie Morton-Jen Saviano-Chris Bukowski triangle. Jen wants Chris' rose, so Katie decides she has to make sure Chris is totally clear on her feelings for him. She regrets encouraging him to go on other dates last week, but he says he needs more time to figure out how he feels.
Of course, he doesn't get more time because the rose ceremony is starting. Chris Harrison's big reveal about how the rule are changing is just that Demi is going to give out a rose first before all the guys. Does this mean that next week Kristian will give out the rose? Who knows. If you ask me, they should have really switched things up. Choose half of the contestants at random and make them hand out the roses. No one will ever know where the roses are coming from. But what do I know, I've just spent a large chunk of my life watching this franchise.
Here's how things turn out: Demi and Kristian, Dylan and Hannah, Clay and Nicole, Mike and Sydney, Dean and Caelynn, Blake and Kristina (!), Derek and Tayshia, John Paul Jones and Haley, and Chris and Katie (!!!). Tazhjuan, Jen, and Caitlin are sent home.
Truly, I do not know how Kristina is pulling this off, but Blake is her ticket to an extended stay in Mexico where she just gets to hang out with her friends and not worry about dating any dudes. As for Chris and Katie, that rose exchange was actually very touching and I am rooting for them.
The episode ends with Dean taking Caelynn down to the beach to talk. No one knows if it's going to be positive or not, including Caelynn. She's even more into him at this point, because he gave her a birthday cake at the cocktail party. Maybe he had a change of heart on the whole going to dinner parties and talking about emotions thing.
Quote of the Night: "If he really wanted her here, he would have gone after her at Stagecoach." -Kristina on Blake and Caitlin. Seriously, what is Kristina doing?
Scene of the Night: A group discussion about the worst kisses they've ever had and more than one person saying theirs was from Colton. "He got better toward the end of the season," Tayshia explained.