When we first met Jersey Shore’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino in 2009, he was an extremely tanned, extremely abbed player of the highest order. He took full advantage of the infamous Smush Room. He once invited two different pairs of women to the Jersey Shore house and hid them from each other until he figured out a proper endgame. He even dated Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola before Ronnie Ortiz-Magro did. But, after years of wild, televised bachelordom, Mike officially hung up his player card with the latest Jersey Shore Family Vacation episode, “Future Mrs. Situations?,” with a genuinely touching engagement.
In the penultimate installment of the MTV reboot’s first season, The Situation finally proposed to his longtime girlfriend and rock, Lauren “Laurens” Pesce. As with all things Jersey Shore, the engagement was a dramatic, over-the-top, shockingly emotional event. So, let’s get into it.
Mike’s question-popping plan began in earnest with last week’s “JWoww vs. The Proposal!” During the episode, Jenni “JWoww” Farley led proposal prep as Lauren visited the set for the first time. Jenni was overjoyed to help Mike plan his big day… until she found out he planned to pie her in the face in the near future. This led to a lengthy, Patrón-fueled, unresolved argument at the Sugar Factory, which nearly spoiled the proposal surprise for an uncomfortable Lauren.
So, Mike kicks off “Future Mrs. Situations” by squashing the beef with Jenni. There’s a lot of hugging and “I love yous,” and it’s all very sweet. With the detente settled, Lauren goes on a girls day with the ladies of Jersey Shore while Mike goes to run proposal errands with the guys (except for Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, who is too distraught over his own romantic situation to get out of bed). Lauren, Jenni, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, and Deena Cortese share a heart to heart over Mike’s journey toward sobriety, sip massive cocktails on Miami’s Ocean Drive, and get very boozy blowouts at a salon.
Mike, “Pauly D” Delvecchio, and Vinny Guadagnino have a far more involved day. MVP goes to buy all-white linen outfits for an unknowable but urgent, proposal-related reason, purchase flowers — “Roses, rose petals, penis flowers, whatever the fuck they’re called,” Vinny says, forgetting the word for “peonies” — and return to the scene of the night prior’s argument, Sugar Factory, to pick up some fancy donuts. Then, they hide all their purchases in the Miami Smush Room. Lauren seems to have no idea the day is an elaborate distraction.
Once everyone has reconvened at the house, Mike and Lauren get ready and head out for their big dinner date. Lauren wears a black dress and Christian Louboutins; Mike wears ripped jeans. At dinner, Mike essentially orders the entire menu to keep the couple there as long as possible, alarming Lauren in the process, while the gang at home prepares the house for the imminent proposal. A crew brings in a projector and DJ equipment. Pauly stands behind that DJ equipment, preparing to emcee the moment. The women are on general flowers-candle-lighting duty. Sad Ronnie struggles to get roughly 100 balloons through a doorway. Eventually everyone puts on their color-coordinated outfits: men in all-white linen, ladies in all-black evening wear.
After lots of panic, Mike and Lauren finally arrive home. Vinny, basically acting as a butler and waiting at the front door, slips the ring box into Mike’s hands as he walks through the threshold. Then, Mike and Lauren hold hands and walk through the house, which now features an all-white runway covered in rose petals. Lauren reveals she is a big fan of the heart balloons. Somehow, Vinny ends up at the back door and opens it for Mike and Lauren, who walk into the backyard to find a new walkway lit by candles and the remaining, weepy, Jersey Shore cast members. More candles line up around the perimeter of the pool. Inside the pool, magical little candle lanterns float around. It is a legitimately romantic sight, and one the entire Jersey Shore family helped create.
The tears really begin when Vinny points Lauren towards the projector, which starts playing a mini movie. The introduction reads, “I fell in love with you because you loved me when I couldn’t even love myself.” It’s unlikely that quote is directly lifted from Mike, since you can find those words on countless love-related quote websites, but it’s extremely appropriate. Lauren is the one who stood by Mike through his many substance abuse crises, along with his current legal troubles over alleged tax evasion. A lovely slideshow of Mike and Lauren’s many photos together over the years follows, including ones from their college days. The final card says, “I love you Laurens,” because, for some reason, Mike insists on using that nickname.
Finally, Mike takes Lauren’s hands and actually proposes, saying, “You’re my best friend, my college sweetheart, my better half, you make me a better person. Please make me the happiest man on Earth. Will you please marry me?” In true messy Jersey Shore fashion, Mike only gets down on one knee after his heartfelt plea and actual proposal are already finished. Through more tears, Lauren yells, “Yes!”
And, The Situation is now The Fiancé. The future Mr. and Mrs. Sorrentino celebrate by taking off their shoes and sitting in the adorable bistro chairs the rest of the Jersey Shore cast placed on the first step inside of the pool. It’s a bonkers idea that actually ends up being cute. Vinny comes over to hand the pair their first meal as an engaged couple: a rainbow cookie, Lauren’s favorite.
Get ready for a very Jersey Shore wedding sometime soon, everyone.
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