An Open Letter To Sammi Sweetheart: It's Time To Return To The Jersey Shore

PHoto: Santiago Felipe/Getty Images.
Samantha, Sam, Sammi,
I'm seven episodes deep in Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, and I have to admit, it's just not the same. The dish I love is missing one meatball. And, err, it's you.
Now that the show has been renewed for another season, I'm hoping you will reconsider packing up the hair straightener and short shorts and diving back into this dysfunctional family.
I've heard you're doing well, and I'm so happy you have found love with your new boyfriend. You guys are #goals. But I hope I can convince you to take the leap and join up with the rest of the gang in time for filming.
I would never tell a woman she has to do anything, and lord knows you've dealt with enough from Ronnie over the years, BUT Ron Ron has spent the whole season capitalizing on your name and relationship, and it's about time to shut. It. Down. You know where all the bodies are buried, so it's time to dig 'em up and call Ron out in public for once and for all.
Ronnie has shaped the narrative of every episode to be the center of attention by either mocking you or professing his love for you. He is both mad you're not there and relieved. He's jeered and groped a sex doll dressed like you (although Pauly D brought the doll, it's probably a "brilliant" idea from one of the producers). He has flung that doll around with alarming gusto, making a fool of himself as he's supposedly mocked you. He's raking in that sweet, sweet sponcon money by exploiting the 15 minutes of fame that he's gained by using your name. Girl, enough is enough.
It's time to knock down that inflated ego and expose Ronnie as the spineless, lying douchebag he actually is. I'm sure you've done it before when you dumped his ass privately. But nothing gets to Ron Ron faster than public embarrassment. He keeps saying you should have come on the show, but in reality he would be quaking in his boots if he knew you were showing up. Not because he's nervous about what his on-again-off-again girlfriend Jen Harley might think —clearly he doesn't give a shit about how she feels — but because you may call him out on all the nonsense he spews in each episode.
If the thought of delicious revenge doesn't tempt you, then do it for the girls. Snooki, Jenni, and Deena are missing their partner in crime and would love to have another ally in the house. And truly, Pauly, Vinny, and Mike are such a riot together that there's no doubt you'll have fun.
If revenge and friendship won't convince you, then do it for me and all your other fans. We miss you! You have been off the air for six years, but we have kept your spirit alive, sharing and resharing that "sweetest bitch" GIF. Come back and give us new GIFs to share on group texts.
And if none of those reasons tempt you, then do it for that sweet, sweet sponcon money.
Hope to see you soon!
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