Is there a point at which even The Bachelorette can get a little too meta for its own good? On Monday night, Chris Harrison guided Bachelor Nation through what might’ve been one of the most heartbreaking farewells ever (hyperbole intended), and then proceeded to sit down with our gal Hannah and her erstwhile lover not even five minutes after the breakup happened on screen.
But first, came the penultimate rose ceremony. Night 1 picks up right where The Bachelorette left off last week: in Crete, Greece, in the immediate aftermath of Hannah’s cathartic dismissal of Luke P. Jed, Tyler, and Peter are still exchanging looks of disbelief and complimenting Hannah for the way she dealt with Luke P. (“She handled it like a champ!”) when the very wary Bachelorette makes her way back to the rose ceremony.
It’s clearly going to be a tough call, and each of the men voice their love for Hannah in separate confessionals that really tug at the heartstrings. “I’ve put my heart on the line,” Jed mumbles. “You have to have that one in a million connection to make things work,” Tyler says. “I’ve never felt this intensely for anyone,” Peter asserts. “I 100 percent can see this woman as my wife.”
So can we, sweet Pete. So can we.
Which makes it all the more devastating when Hannah calls out first Jed’s name and then Tyler’s. Pilot Peter’s face falls and as he gives his boys a final hug goodbye, Hannah pretty much loses it. “I just … everything that our relationship has been, has been perfect and it has been easy,” she tells her Ken doll. “You’re like the dream guy.”
Peter’s response? “You truly will always have a piece of my heart.” Ugh. Pete! Even his reaction to rejection is perfect in every way. After a long and emotional hug, Peter starts crying too, and believe you me, “Sad Peter” is not the meme we were hoping for, but it’s undoubtedly one that’ll linger for seasons to come.
“I fell in love with her. I swear I don’t regret anything,” he tells the cameras through tears. “I know I have a ton of love to give, and I thought it was Hannah, I truly did.”
Well, buddy, sometimes life can be a bizzle, which is why good ole Chris Harrison is on-hand to help us through the pain. Or more like, to dig into the pain.
Back in the live studio audience, Peter’s in the hot seat after having just watched the breakup back for the very first time. “You okay?” Chris asks, to which Peter responds with a meandering version of “Yeah, I’m okay.” Dissatisfied with Peter’s relative okay-ness, Chris digs some more, and even gets Peter’s family involved. “It’s not just you going through this, it’s your family,” he says, at which point sweet Pete’s sweeter mom Barbara chimes in.
“You know, they say that, and it’s so true, when something happens, you want it to happen to you, because when it happens to your child … I know how he felt and it hasn’t been easy.”
After a few more bouts of questioning, Chris brings Hannah out, and both she and Peter are all smiles at the sight of one another, which is just about the most heartening thing that’s happened on the show this whole season. Turns out, sweet Pete isn’t looking for answers, necessarily, but just closure, and Hannah tries her best to give him that, pointing to the fact that Peter had been slower to vocalize his feelings for her. “I was scared and I felt like you were scared to love me,” she says. “If anything, I wish I would’ve known sooner how you felt.”
This seems to be good enough for Peter, who thanks Hannah for her honesty. The pair exchange some more niceties — and Hannah proudly reveals, on national television, that they had sex not twice, but four times in a windmill — before it’s time to return to the task at hand: Hannah figuring out which of her two suitors is The One.
Back in Greece, it’s time for Hannah to introduce the two men to her family, starting with Tyler, whom Hannah lauds as a “confident man.” She prefaces his visit by telling her parents that she was initially unsure whether she was “falling in lust” or “falling in love” with Tyler, but that she’s now fully confident that it’s the latter after their sex-less Fantasy Suite date. Phew, glad she got that awkward talk out of the way!
Only thing is that both Robert and Susanne want to talk more about this admirably sex-less Fantasy Suite, which Tyler takes in stride. “We just connected and it allowed us to talk,” he tells Hannah’s dad, to which Robert agrees, that there are elements of a relationship “more beautiful than the action of sex.” Tyler’s cool, collected confidence and his clear love for Hannah win both her parents over, and it gives our gal a confidence boost as well.
After their afternoon with her family, Hannah pulls Tyler aside and lets drop the big ole “L” word, and our man of the hour can’t stop smiling. “I love you so much,” he responds.
The next day, Hannah’s feeling anxious about Jed meeting her parents, and her parents are feeling a certain sort of anxious too. Susanne full-on admits that she’s going to have a hard time meeting a second dude, due in large part to the very high bar that Tyler’s set for Jed. Musician Jed, meanwhile, has just one goal in mind for the day: “I just want them to see that I wholeheartedly care about their daughter.”
Too bad that “care about” and “take care of” are two very different, separate things, especially in Robert’s eyes. “I just want to find out a few things,” he tells Jed when the pair get a chance to chat alone. “Like what are your goals in life?”
What he means, of course, is how crooner Jed will financially take care of her if she makes him her Mr. Right. Girl. “There has to be a direction,” he tells Jed, to which the singer bashfully shares that he’s just signed a pretty big deal contract with a dog food company to write their jingle. It’s not exactly the sort of reassurance that Robert’s looking for, and both he and Susanne are left feeling a little uncertain.
“I want someone who will love you like I know you should be loved,” Susanne tells Hannah. We all do, Susanne! And Robert’s commentary about Jed isn’t super complementary either. Compared to Tyler, he says, Jed “beat around the bush” a little too much for his liking.
“The man of the house needs to know his role,” Robert quips. Her parents’ doubts are enough to send Hannah into a bad spiral, and she and Jed end their day on an uncertain note. “More than anything, Hannah, you know that I believe in you,” Jed tries to cheer her up. But Hannah can only come up with a less-than-convincing “Yeah.”
Not exactly the most promising way for the two to spend their second-to-last day together, but so goes. If it’s any reassurance, though (and it shouldn’t be for Jed, just for Hannah and Tyler fans at home), Hannah’s last date with Tyler goes pretty spectacularly. The pair ride horses through the Greek countryside together despite Tyler’s deep fear of horses (have to hand it to Hannah keeping her guys on their toes til the very end), and enjoy some scenic views from atop a hillside.
“It’s hard not to admire how beautiful it is and how far we’ve come,” Hannah says dreamily to the camera. “I can definitely see a future with Tyler. Like, totally.” And she and Tyler and his tight jeans stalk off into the sunset together.
That night, things also go suspiciously swimmingly (given how the franchise is wont to give good edits to the runner-up), with Tyler “cheesin’ so hard” just thinking about how great their day with her family went. “I just want to run with this and go with wherever life takes us. I just know that we can be kick-ass with our marriage,” he says. “These feelings? I don’t ever want to lose them.”
Hannah doesn’t ever want to lose them either, and pins Tyler down for one last makeout session before proposal day. “I can see being in his arms forever,” she sighs.
But what about your good buddy Jed, Hannah? The next day, our conflicted Bachelorette meets up with Jed for their last date, which goes less than swimmingly, which is ironic, because they’re on a sailboat. There’s a nervous tension in the air as the pair face off against “treacherous,” choppy waters. The symbolism is ripe for the taking, and it’s not a surprise when poor Hannah nearly retches right into Jed’s perfectly coiffed hair.
“It’s not like I only know how to do music,” Jed says with a sigh as Hannah tries to keep from throwing up. Not exactly the most romantic of moments to be in. Our poor gal is feeling so nauseous and full of feelings, in fact, that she has to step away from Jed altogether.
“I am scared and I am sad about having to break somebody’s heart tomorrow,” she tells the cameras, looking physically ill. That night, the pair continue their solemn, sober march toward proposal day with a serious conversation, during which Jed tries to reassure Hannah that his music career won’t get in the way of their relationship — despite what his parents have said, despite what her parents have said, and despite what the Internet has said (but let’s not get too off-track here).
“If I would have met you anywhere outside of this, I would have loved you,” he says, trying to convince Hannah of the validity of his love. Hannah doesn’t exactly respond positively to his words, but ominously tells the camera, “It’s emotional watching somebody and feeling somebody love you so much. … I know that I’ll break someone’s heart tomorrow.”
Whatever does this mean? Will Hannah snap Jed’s musical heart in two? Will she blindside dreamy Tyler in a one-two Peter-and-Tyler punch? Or will she opt out of the proposal altogether? Chris Harrison seems convinced that this season will end “unlike any other season,” and by golly, if Monday night’s episode is any indication, there’s no telling what will happen next — although this guide to the "rumors" Chris mentioned will help you with a few major clues. Until then, Bon Voyage, Pilot Pete!
Moms Know Best:
Kudos to Peter’s parents Barbara and Peter Sr. for keeping their cool — and even blowing the two lovebirds kisses! — after Hannah reveals that she and their son did the dirty not once, not twice, but four times during their Fantasy Suite date. Barbara hilariously throws a two thumbs-up to the exes, Peter Sr. simultaneously blushes and looks proud, and Peter’s brother Jack… is nowhere to be seen. No doubt it’ll take him quite some time to live this one down. Thanks a lot, Pete!
Apparently, at some point during the season, Tyler showed Hannah his pirouette, but she’s yet to show him hers. Where was this footage gem during the blooper reel, Chris Harrison? “Did you show him yours yet?” Hannah’s mom is quick to ask, to which an embarrassed Hannah mumbles no, and declines to perform for the camera at that moment. Ah, stage moms.
When Hannah asks her mom Susanne what she thinks of Jed, Susanne gives a lukewarm, not-even-an-answer answer: “He has qualities.” When a clearly stressed Hannah gets upset at her response, she delivers that most classic of lines that just about everyone can relate to: “I’m telling you what I say as a mom.”