J.Lo, Like 7.5 Billion Other People, Is Not Dating Drake

Photo: Matt Baron/BEI/Shutterstock/Rex
Jennifer Lopez and Drake are not dating, and apparently were never dating. Whatever. They definitely wanted us to think that they were dating. Hell, they even went to prom together. (I'll note that I also went to prom with someone whom I wasn't dating. I wouldn't recommend it, though the experience was certainly memorable.)
But now, Lopez wants to make it absolutely clear that she and Drake are not dating. She spilled the beans to Trevor Noah on Monday's Daily Show, which is apparently good again.
"Genuinely, did you get with Drake because you didn't know me yet?" Noah asked.
"Let me clear this up," Lopez said. "I am not with Drake. Maybe that's all I need to say."
Well, we can see that you're not with Drake. But are you with him with him? Do you like him like him? Are you tired of this rhetorical device?
The entire Drake-and-J.Lo saga is almost unspeakably high school. The boy finally gets the girl (Rihanna) he's been lusting after for years. Then, the girl realizes that they are just not a good fit, even though the boy has publicly pined for her. Because now that pining has progressed past reason and has just become about itself, like all long-standing crushes. (This is just how it works.) So in a plot to get the girl jealous, the boy turns to an older woman.
In this scenario, Lopez's eternal fame has made her into someone who has graduated Fame High School, gone to Fame College, and returned to Fameville, her hometown. (This is my analogy, and if you don't like it, the "X" is right up there in the top right.) So Drake convinces this older woman to fake-date him while they work on music together. It works! Rihanna gets jealous. But, like with all high school tricks, the boy inevitably wakes up to the cruel light of reality when the older woman goes on national television and tells the world that she's not dating him. Harsh.
This literally sounds like an episode of Degrassi, a show on which actual teen Drake starred, and which I have never seen.
Watch Lopez's full interview here.

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