Who better to review a story about erotica — or whatever you want to call it — than the woman who literally wrote the book on sex? So, Madonna, what did you think of Fifty Shades of Grey? "It's not very sexy," the pop icon told Billboard in a new interview. To clarify, she was referring to the E.L. James book, not the film itself. For that review, we suggest looking to a certain Australian TV personality. The 56-year-old star added the BDSM scenes might appeal to "someone who has never had sex before" — just not her. "I kept waiting for something exciting and crazy to happen in that red room thing, and I was like, 'Hmm, a lot of spanking,'" the Rebel Heart singer noted. And, apparently, a lot of oral sex, which was another point of contention for Madge. "I also thought, 'This is so unrealistic because no guy goes down on a girl that much,'" she added. "I'm sorry, but no one eats p---- as much as the guy in that book." And...we just snorted our coffee out through our nose. Someone please hire her to review the film version, STAT.