If you're planning on having sex this Valentine's Day, regardless of whether you're coupled or not, we have a fun idea for you to add a little steam to your plans: dirty talking over the phone. Hear us out. If you're in a long-distance relationship this is probably already part of your plan for the evening, but phone sex can also be great foreplay if you and your partner are together.
It's not just for people in long-distance relationships, says professional sex educator Ashley Manta. "It's a great warm-up for in-person dirty talk," she says. "And a great way to explore fantasies without having to deal with real-world issues like safety, legality, and physical limitations." So if you and your partner have been thinking about involving sex toys but don't actually own any, you can create a fantasy where you go together to a sex shop, buy a toy, and then use it right there. "That's a thing you'd get in big trouble for in real life, but could be super hot to describe in detail from the privacy of your own home," Manta says.
Phone sex also has the benefit of allowing you to escape your life, says Kathleen K., author of Sweet Talkers: Words from the Mouth of a Pay to Say Girl.
"You' aren’t engaging in this," she says. "Not the 'you' with neighbors and bills and a job. You’re a voice, like an actor or actress; choosing words like a writer; projecting images like an artist." All of that adds up to a pretty hot experience that could carry over from the airwaves into real life. So treat phone sex like foreplay this Valentine's Day, or give it a try with your long-distance partner.
Not sure how? Read ahead for tips to get started.
Even when the sex is all in your head, consent is vital. So Manta suggests having a pre-call talk about what words are or aren't okay to say, what's definitely going to turn you on, and what you're comfortable calling each other's body parts. ("Do you like 'pussy' or 'cunt?'" Manta says.)
If you're not sure about any of those things, she suggests reading some erotica for inspiration and seeing what kind of scenarios turn you on.
It might not seem sexy to take a water break, but Manta says you'll probably need it. "Phone sex can quickly lead to a dry mouth or throat — especially if you're moaning a lot," she says. Taking a second to drink water or pop a mint in your mouth could save you from a coughing fit.
Hands-free is the way to go when it comes to phone sex, says Kathleen. Using headphones or a headset will free up your hands to do other things — like touch yourself wherever it feels good (and then describing that touch to your partner).
Listen, your every day voice is probably beautiful and sexy all on its own. But Manta says that people often find they slip into a slower, deeper, and huskier voice during phone sex, anyway. Others speed up with excitement. Wherever your voice goes, own it. "Play with cadence and breath and find what makes you feel like a sexual rockstar," she says.
There are no restrictions when it comes to phone sex fantasies. You're not bound by law, by your body's physical capabilities, or even by the laws of physics. "The only limit is your imagination," Manta says. "You could describe group sex when you're monogamous, alien sex, sex in another historical era, and on and on. This is your moment to ask for anything."
That goes for forms of sex you might be too nervous to try IRL, too, Kathleen says. Too timid to try paddling or anal play in real life? Try it out in your fantasies first.
In a perfect world, you'd be able to make it through first-time phone sex without a single awkward silence. But it's not a perfect world, and that awkward silence is probably going to happen, Manta says. So just embrace it.
"If you get flustered, take a deep breath. If your partner gets flustered, say something sweet and encouraging," she says. "If you can't think of anything else to say, come back to your body — narrate what's happening. If the words are escaping you, there's always vocalizations like 'ooooh,' 'yum,' and 'ahhh.'" Just have fun with it, she says. And don't be afraid to let yourself be vulnerable.
Phone sex is a great way to drop foreplay throughout your partner's whole day. Start the morning off with a sexy voicemail on their cell phone, Manta says. Then follow up with some suggestive photos (as long as you have consent), and then finish it all off with a phone call while you're driving over to their place (just remember to be hands-free — safety first, y'all).
If you spend the whole day describing exactly what you want to do to them, you and your partner might not even make it to Valentine's Day dinner — and that's a good thing.