How To Make Scheduled Sex More Exciting

Photographed By Lula Hyers.
Of all the plans we try to get out of, having sex with your partner probably shouldn't be up there with getting your teeth cleaned or going to yet another distant friend's birthday party. But still, sometimes having sex can feel like another item on your to-do list, so you just stop prioritizing sex altogether.
Often relationship experts will suggest scheduling sex as a way to get couples out of a sexual rut, which makes sense in theory, but can make intimacy feel even more transactional in practice. However it's a myth that sex needs to be spontaneous, says Rachel Needle, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes. "Scheduled sex can also help the relationship in that both partners know that their sex life is valued," she says. In other words, it's not lame to plan sex.
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But if you are going to schedule sex, you have to be creative and intentional, says Shannon Chavez, PsyD, a certified clinical sexologist. "What you don’t want to do is plan a sex date and have no plans," she says. Given that, here are some sexy ideas for you to implement the next time you have a sex date with your bae.
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Set an intention, not a goal.

Set an intention, not a goal.

Don't go into your sex date with a specific goal, like, "tonight we are going to have amazing anal sex," because that can lead to performance anxiety or feelings of work and obligation, Dr. Chavez says. "I would suggest having a setting in mind and intention around connection and play with a partner," she says. Maybe you go in with the broad aim to explore new territories, for example. "Focus more on making time together that is free of distractions, stress, and other barriers, so you can be more receptive to pleasure with your partner," she says.
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Initiate it yourself.

Initiate it yourself.

Sometimes, a sex date can serve as more of a mental note than a tangible meet up. You might plan to individually initiate sex, rather than invite your partner to have sex, Dr. Needle says. For example, you could literally set a reminder to "wake up tomorrow and initiate sexual activity with your partner," she says. "It is important for couples to make a conscious effort to engage in sexual activity," she says. "You can do this together by planning time to engage in sexual activity with each other and writing it in pen in your datebook."
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Develop a menu.

Develop a menu.

Every date needs a plan, and Dr. Chavez suggests creating a menu with erotic items. "These items are ideas and activities that can be enjoyed together that are sensual and sexual," she says. "It helps clients to think of sex as more than intercourse. It focuses on the concept of play and pleasure." If you need help brainstorming items you can enjoy together, you might want to make a yes-no-maybe chart. Or, you can write down things you want to try and put them in a jar, and pull one out before your scheduled sex date so you can prepare, Dr. Needle says.
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Sext ahead of time.

Get in the mood ahead of time.

Ahead of your date, you can send photos or dirty sexts to your partner, Dr. Needle says. "Tell your partner what you are most looking forward to and flirt and tease them leading up to the fun," she says. To prepare your body and mind, you might listen to an erotic podcast or masturbate. "Even when you schedule sex, the buildup and anticipation can be fun and exciting," she says.
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