I love dating shows. Actually, I’m obsessed with them. Married at First Sight, Love Island, Love Is Blind, 90 Day Fiancé — you name it, I’ve watched it. It’s not the drama that I love (okay, maybe a little); it’s learning about each couple’s unique dynamic: what works, what doesn’t, how they resolve conflicts, and how they keep the relationship alive.
But I have to admit that, as a queer Latina, there’s a piece of me that can never fully relate to the advice on these shows. Even though I date people of all genders, and I fully believe that we can all learn from one another, when it comes to relationship advice, we don’t actually all learn from one another. Instead, we predominantly learn from hetero couples, and I’m tired of it.
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I have a tío in his late 60s who’s been “in the closet” for as long as I can remember, and I learned early on that we were to never bring up his sexuality. I also have a tía who had a “friend” who turned out to be her longtime lover. While they broke up, we’re still not allowed to question what happened with that “friend.”
In my family, I’ve indirectly learned that queerness is a private matter. This leaves us queer people in isolation, maneuvering love and our relationships with no one to turn to for guidance or affirmation.
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I’ve indirectly learned that queerness is a private matter. This leaves us queer people in isolation, maneuvering love and our relationships with no one to turn to for guidance or affirmation.
kat lazo
”
While being queer and Latina are not monolithic experiences, there are some unique experiences many of us share: from stereotypes like U-Hauling (moving in “too” quickly) to responding to machista remarks when coming out to family. I can’t help but think that hearing from those who have already navigated these paths could make it easier for the rest of us.
To me, sharing with and learning from fellow queer couples is a portal into a world of possibilities. It’s both a revolutionary act of being seen and a transformative experience of relating. Like queerness itself, it’s an act of constant collective reimagining, with collective being the operative word. So in honor of the power in collective sharing, here five queer Latina couples share advice on dating, working through conflict, parenting, and more.
Maria (She/Her), 38, Mexican & Cristela (She/They), 39, Panamanian
How have your cultural backgrounds and Latine families informed how you view and show up in relationships?
Cristela: I think being raised in an evangelical Christian home heavily influenced the way I view relationships. I assumed I’d marry a man and have kids, though I never really daydreamed about it. I just figured it was expected of me. So when I realized I liked women, I went through an intense, long period of self-loathing in my 20s. I was very close to considering an ex-gay ministry to help navigate what I felt was a “sinful nature.” Thank goodness, after some therapy, I’ve emerged as someone who loves herself and her queerness, but it took time. This background also made me a big people-pleaser. Learning boundaries, finding worthiness, and not making myself small in relationships was a significant change. I learn every day in this relationship what it means to love and be loved openly, tenderly, and with deep vulnerability.
Cristela: I think being raised in an evangelical Christian home heavily influenced the way I view relationships. I assumed I’d marry a man and have kids, though I never really daydreamed about it. I just figured it was expected of me. So when I realized I liked women, I went through an intense, long period of self-loathing in my 20s. I was very close to considering an ex-gay ministry to help navigate what I felt was a “sinful nature.” Thank goodness, after some therapy, I’ve emerged as someone who loves herself and her queerness, but it took time. This background also made me a big people-pleaser. Learning boundaries, finding worthiness, and not making myself small in relationships was a significant change. I learn every day in this relationship what it means to love and be loved openly, tenderly, and with deep vulnerability.
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Maria: Mexican masculinity and gender roles played a big role in the way I developed an identity in romantic relationships. My father wasn’t much for big life-lesson conversations, but the few that he did share with me marked me forever. I remember him sitting me down to tell me that I should never, ever pursue boys. If I wanted to be desired, I had to make myself scarce, induce a pursuit, and draw out the hunter instinct from men. I was a quick study. As a high femme, the cat-and-mouse dynamic felt both socially instilled in me but also, somehow, innate. I guess the cultural conditioning was so strong that making myself be pursued also felt natural. And then when I started dating women and nonbinary people, I realized that those ingrained gender roles could be destructive and harmful. I’m sure they were to men, too, but I only started shedding those gender expectations when I stepped out of hetero relationships.
What tips do you have for improving communication within a partnership?
Maria: Instead of repressing your feelings, say them out loud, respectfully. For example, if you can’t communicate in the moment, make that clear with something like: “I know that this is my avoidance taking hold, but I honestly have no desire to interact right now.” You’ve also probably learned what your partner needs in times of conflict. For instance, I need space, while Cristela needs reassurance. So even if I need to withdraw for a bit, I try to remind them that even though I have to work through my feelings, I still love them. And I try to remind myself that there’s a difference between needing space and weaponizing my absence. So my advice would be to be honest with yourself and don’t do stuff out of spite. Even if you don’t resolve things right away, do resolve them when you’re regulated enough to talk. Don’t let resentment take hold.
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I learn every day in this relationship what it means to love and be loved openly, tenderly, and with deep vulnerability.
Cristela
”
Cristela: Trying to not raise your voice. Just treating each other with a basic level of love and respect, even when you disagree, goes a long way in preserving a relationship. You don’t want to build up resentment or contempt because that damages love. Radical honesty is critical.
You have one child. What’s been your journey into parenting within this partnership?
Maria: My child was very young when Cristela and I met. We were friends for several years, so my child knew Cristela before she became my girlfriend. Even still, it took many months before I introduced our romantic relationship to my child, but when I did, it happened so naturally. For him, Cristela has become another safe adult who loves him, and I cherish their connection. Cristela and I are in a long-distance relationship, so we’re not together all of the time, but the time we spend with my son is so special. I see his understanding of love expand.
Cristela: I feel so fortunate that we really were mindful in waiting to introduce our relationship. I think it allowed trust to be organic and grow as we spent time with her son. It’s also fun to try new things, like rock climbing and escape rooms, all together when I’m in town. It’s so beautiful to be a part of both of their lives.
Eden (She/Her), 31, Mexican & Native American & Jay (She/Her), 33, Salvadoran & Guatemalan
What was your communication style before meeting one another and how has it changed with time?
Jay: At the time that I met Eden, I would shut down a lot. I had very bad past relationships where I was cheated on, and I was really quick to put up a wall. You had to really get through layers, like peeling the onion, to get to my core. I was guarded. I remember one specific fight where it got really intense, and I was like, “Bye.” I left because I needed to figure out my feelings. And I didn’t want to react a certain way because I grew up in such a sink-or-swim environment that it’s hard for me not to react. I remember coming back, and she was just like, “You leaving opens my abandonment issues.”
Jay: At the time that I met Eden, I would shut down a lot. I had very bad past relationships where I was cheated on, and I was really quick to put up a wall. You had to really get through layers, like peeling the onion, to get to my core. I was guarded. I remember one specific fight where it got really intense, and I was like, “Bye.” I left because I needed to figure out my feelings. And I didn’t want to react a certain way because I grew up in such a sink-or-swim environment that it’s hard for me not to react. I remember coming back, and she was just like, “You leaving opens my abandonment issues.”
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Eden: Well, I didn’t realize I had abandonment issues until I lost my mom. I didn’t know what it felt like to have somebody leave you, who you don’t want to leave. And my mom passing just completely shifted that for me. So when Jay left, my first thought was, “She’s never coming back.” It’s always like the biggest, worst-case scenario for me.
We learned a lot from that: Jay is avoidant, and I am anxious. How do we meet in the middle when it comes to this conflict? My anxiety goes down if she just gives me the time she needs to process. Sometimes she needs 30 minutes, sometimes it’s an hour, and sometimes it’s tomorrow morning. And I just respect that. But I know that we’re going to come back to the conversation later, and it kind of calms that anxiety.
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It all goes back to feeling safe. We’ve grown up not feeling safe. We didn’t know where our next meal was going to come from. We didn’t know where we were going to sleep. We didn’t know who was going to come through the door. So how can I make it easier for you to feel safe enough to communicate with me?
eden
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How do you two handle conflict?
Jay: One thing we’ve done is create a safe space. One day Eden was like, “You know what? We just need to create a safe space for you where you can just be completely honest and there’s no repercussions.” So she created this game. The couch is the safe space, and when we’re in this area, we can just be completely honest and raw. And I appreciate that so much because no one has ever really sat with me to figure out what the issue is and how we can get past it.
Eden: It all goes back to feeling safe. We’ve grown up not feeling safe. We didn’t know where our next meal was going to come from. We didn’t know where we were going to sleep. We didn’t know who was going to come through the door. So how can I make it easier for you to feel safe enough to communicate with me?
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What stereotypes do you feel queer Latinas face?
Jay: I think jealousy is huge in the queer Latina community, or Latine community in general. We’re always viewed as passionate, and being passionate is compared to being psycho or crazy.
Eden: It’s one of the biggest reasons why we started our Instagram page, because this is the only representation that we have and we’re not that. This idea that you can’t be friends with other girls — or, if you’re bisexual, other guys, too — is also a big stereotype.
Do you have any advice on handling jealousy?
Jay: Work on where everything is stemming from. So if you are feeling jealous, figure out what the root is. Are you scared of your person leaving? It’s never just a random girl walking on the street and scooping up your person. Because if that was possible, then, realistically, you never had that person to begin with. Also, remember that you should love your person for who they are, because once you start putting them in a cage, all of those things that made you love them in the first place, they’re going to start losing that. They’re going to start feeling more and more caged, becoming less of the person you fell in love with. And, unfortunately, your whole fear of, “I’m going to lose this person” materializes in another way.
Kasey (She/Her), 30, Dominican & Maria (She/Her), 33, Dominican
You are married and have two beautiful children together. Can you share some of your journey to becoming parents and what’s been the most challenging part?
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Maria: Having children is a conversation that we had within our first week of getting to know each other. We both went into this knowing that, although we didn’t know how we would make it happen, children were definitely in our future. Motherhood is the most rewarding and challenging experience of our lives. There is a constant conversation having to be had about how we will or will not handle a situation should it happen again. One thing that we remain focused on is raising kind, caring, strong, Spanish-speaking humans.
Kasey: One of the biggest challenges that we faced as Latinas trying to grow our family in 2012 was looking for a Latine donor. The options were very limited, and we had to pivot from our original plan to use a Latine anonymous donor.
What advice do you have for fellow queer Latina couples hoping to become parents?
Kasey: People are always going to comment, so there will be a lot of unsolicited advice. Understand that raising children who are aware of how they came into this world is key to raising happy, confident children who can stand their ground. I believe that being open and honest with your children ensures that no one is able to dim their light or make them feel less than. It’s important to know that no matter what happens in the outside world, your babies know that they can always come back home to their moms, to their safe space.
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There will be moments when one or the other doesn’t have the capacity to provide 50% of themselves, and, at that point as a partnership, as a marriage, as a friendship, we make up for what they can’t.
maria
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Maria: Talk about your goals as parents. Make sure that you have similar ideals and a mutual understanding of both positive and negative situations and circumstances that will show up for you as parents in the future.
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What’s some advice that you wish you had gotten about relationships when you were younger?
Maria: I wish somebody would’ve told me that the 50/50 narrative that gets pushed on relationships is BS. There will be moments when one or the other doesn’t have the capacity to provide 50% of themselves, and, at that point as a partnership, as a marriage, as a friendship, we make up for what they can’t. This means there will be times when I give 60% while Kasey gives 40%, and there will also be times when I can’t make it to 30%, but I know that she will be there to cover what’s missing and vice-versa.
Yoly (She/Her), 36, Venezuelan & Nicaraguan & Nick (She/Her), 35, Mexican & Black American
How has your cultural background and family upbringing informed how you show up in relationships?
Yoly: I’m the oldest of three and a first-generation immigrant. I was born in Venezuela, but I came here at two years old. As the eldest daughter, I was one of those kids that had to translate everything to their parents. As a child, my parents would ask me for my opinion on adult things, and they’d listen. I’ve always been referred to as the third parent. When my sister was born, I helped take care of her while my mom was cooking. I literally have always been in charge, and my opinion was respected. So I deal with things that way in my relationships. It’s really hard not to. It can be a beautiful trait, but I’ve got to learn how to take the big sister energy down and just let people come to their experiences on their own instead of guiding them.
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Nick: My parents have been together for 40-plus years. I was really lucky to see that dynamic. I’ve never heard my dad disrespect my mother. I’ve never really seen them argue. My dad has always been a gentleman. He worked, came home, took care of his family, and my mom was at home with me. I was the only child growing up. I feel like my parents taught me how to love unconditionally. But I do think that I became too nice growing up, letting people walk over me. Now I’m working on my boundaries. But, for sure, it’s affected my relationships.
Let’s talk about codependency. Has it showed up in your relationships and, if so, what are actions people can take to avoid being codependent?
Yoly: I can honestly say I don’t know what it looks like to not be in a somewhat codependent relationship. Recovering codependent person here! That said, I think it’s an ongoing journey. I feel like in codependent relationships, we’re always like, “Are you okay?” or “Let me make the meal she wants.” We’re so used to taking care of everybody. We’re just so focused on what the other person wants and needs. And that can be beautiful. That’s how some of us show love. But what does Yoly want? What makes me, me outside of my partner? No matter who I’m with, or if I’m alone, what makes me feel like myself? It’s about learning how to water yourself so that you can keep showing up for people how you want to.
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What makes me, me outside of my partner? No matter who I’m with, or if I’m alone, what makes me feel like myself? It’s about learning how to water yourself so that you can keep showing up for people how you want to.
yoly
”
Nick: Doing hobbies that you actually like doing. If you want to go to the movies alone and not with your partner, that’s okay. Maybe you want to go out to a restaurant but you know she doesn’t like this type of food, so just go by yourself. Do things that make you happy, that don’t include anyone else, that you just want to do by yourself.
Pro U-Hauling or against it? If so, what advice do you have on maneuvering moving in together?
Yoly: I am pro U-Hauling. Ultimately, do what you want to do, but always have your back. So if you’re moving in with someone, consider if you could afford it yourself. Don’t get rid of all your furniture. Don’t lose all of yourself. Have your own back. That’s my advice.
Nick: I feel like a good rule of thumb is three months. Get to know your person for at least three months, thoroughly. Have deep conversations. Can you really see a future with this person? Listen to your gut and intuition. Don’t move in with anyone you’re not certain about. Is it already extremely toxic? Are y’all working through those moments? And how do y’all work through those moments? A good foundation is answering: “Do I want to build with this person?” But remember that you can get out of anything. You could be married and get a divorce. You’re never stuck anywhere.
Cristina (She/Her), 31, Dominican & Neen (They/Them), 34, Dominican
What advice do you have for someone trying to support their partner who isn’t out yet?
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Neen: Try to make it as easy as possible for them. Don’t push them to do something that they’re not ready for. I wanted Cristina to be ready to come out to her family. I was kind of scared for her, too. I know what it’s like to come out. So give them insight of your own and just make sure that they feel safe because she might need someone to rely on if it doesn’t go well. Her mom didn’t take it well at all.
Cristina: The day I had come out to my mom, Neem and I were fighting. They had a little attitude in the morning, but when I told them, they were like, “What?! What happened?”
Neen: I switched my mood up because she needed me. I have to be there for her. You have to be a little selfless. Make sure you talk about how she’s feeling, what her headspace is like, and/or go do other things that can stop her from thinking about it for a moment.
Neen: I switched my mood up because she needed me. I have to be there for her. You have to be a little selfless. Make sure you talk about how she’s feeling, what her headspace is like, and/or go do other things that can stop her from thinking about it for a moment.
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Resist hetero norms. They don’t apply to you. They don’t even apply to hetero folks, but they don't know it yet.
cristina
”
You’ve been together for four years. Do you have advice on keeping desire and passion alive in a relationship?
Cristina: We’re struggling with that right now. In the beginning, we were having sex like multiple times a day, and the best sex I ever had. But that was in 2020. I wasn’t working; I was just in school. And Neen wasn’t working either because the world was closed. So we had time to invest in each other. Now, I’m a nurse, so my job is stressful. I’m tired all the time. I work different shifts, nights and days. And I also have a hormone imbalance that messes with me. So now we’re going through this struggle. I'm in my head like, I don}t want my partner feeling like I don’t want them or like I'm not sexually attracted to them.
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Neen: I just think right now, with her job and me working too, it’s just kind of hard to connect again for a little bit. But as long as we talk about it, it’s good. I try to be considerate and supportive, but we’re still both very passionate people.
Cristina: We still cuddle. We still make out. We’re still affectionate.
What’s a piece of relationship advice you’d give your younger self?
Cristina: Queerness doesn’t look one way. Give yourself space to come to your own. We talk about this a lot, how Neen always knew who they were from the jump. But not everyone has been so lucky. Also, resist hetero norms. They don’t apply to you. They don’t even apply to hetero folks, but they don’t know it yet.
Cristina: Queerness doesn’t look one way. Give yourself space to come to your own. We talk about this a lot, how Neen always knew who they were from the jump. But not everyone has been so lucky. Also, resist hetero norms. They don’t apply to you. They don’t even apply to hetero folks, but they don’t know it yet.
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