The Bachelor is back! This year, with it comes 28-year-old Peter Weber, a man about which we know two things: One, he is a pilot. Two, he once boned four times in one night in a windmill in Greece. This, it should go without saying, is a Bachelor first. And the 2020 Bachelor premiere did not let viewers forget it. The episode was filled with flying puns and windmill jokes and… Peter’s parents’ vow renewal? A genuinely dramatic return from Hannah Brown? This episode really had everything. And it had better. It was three hours long.
The episode begins with a flash way forward to the finale where Chris Harrison is telling Peter, “There’s something I just found out. All of us just found out.” This sends Peter into a tailspin (ugh, damn, they got me with their flight references). But what happened? Is one of the final women in a relationship back home? There for the wrong reasons? Scared of flying?
We shall find out in a few weeks. For now, it’s time for Peter to appeal to the Bachelor audience by speaking Spanish, dancing around his parents’ kitchen, and replacing the requisite shirtless run on the beach with a uniformed walk through the airport. And honestly? It all makes a great case for him as Bachelor.
Moving on to the women, the limo arrivals are divided into different segments this time around: the no gimmicks ladies, flight attendants (there are three), pilot-related entrances (barf bags, giant paper airplanes, a woman who literally stuffed herself inside a suitcase), windmill references, and, for some reason, two vagina jokes. There’s also a contestant who blindfolds Peter and then kisses him, which is not cool. He ended up being fine with it, but let a guy consent.
Next up, is the arrival of Hannah Brown, beloved Bachelorette, Dancing with the Stars champion, and possibly the only other person on Earth who has had sex four times in a windmill. The other women are freaked out, but she’s just there to return the wings Peter gave her when he arrived on her season and wish him well... for now.
With everyone accounted for, the cocktail party begins. The most important thing from this segment is that a woman named Hannah Ann is established as a drama starter. She’s a classic repeat interrupter, which upsets many of the other women, but she ends up with the first impression rose. Drama is on the horizon with this one, and Chris Harrison has already confirmed it. Another standout is Kelley, a woman who ran into Peter at a hotel when she was deciding whether or not to come on the show. More on that later.
At the first rose ceremony — which now openly takes place in the morning — nine women go home. Not that you know who they are. They were only there one night.
Now, because this premiere is three hours long, the show jumps right into the dates the next day. The first group date involves a pilot training course. But, like, a fake pilot training course where the women just have to answer simple math questions, go in a gyroscope, and complete an obstacle course. A contestant named Victoria P. is scared of the gyroscope and references a traumatic experience she had as a child involving the “tea cup spinny thing” ride at an amusement park. Naturally, this means she gets the Annaliese Puccini edit. If you don't know what that is, just know it's not very kind. But, in the end, Kelley wins a sunset flight with Peter after she cheats during the tricycle race portion of the obstacle course.
Back at the nighttime portion of the date, the women discuss the fact that Kelley cheated, which is honestly a relief because I thought they were going to just brush that off. Second place winner Tammy confronts Kelley when she shows up, but Kelley just says she didn’t think the rules would be “strict.” I guess she was right. The producers let her go on the date, but that’s an awful excuse. The fact that this is even a thing is ridiculous, but still, justice for Tammy.
Anyway, this portion of the date takes place — surprise, surprise — at the hotel where Kelley and Peter first met. They run off and make out in a situation reminiscent of when he put Hannah on that pool table and hit her head on a lamp. Kelley gets the group date rose, and everyone else is like, “Come on.”
Next, the first one-on-one date goes to Madison and is to his parents’ vow renewal where he is the officiant and his entire extended family is in attendance. Bachelor fans loved Peter’s parents last season, but this is really next level. The date goes well — Madison even catches the bouquet that Peter’s mom throws — she gets a rose, and they end the night with a performance from Tenille Arts, a Bachelor regular. Peter’s family shows up for that, too. And I'm sure I'm speaking too soon, but enough.
Now, I know we’ve been through a lot already — three hours is absurd, Bachelor. Think of the recappers! But the most interesting part of the episode by far happens during the second group date. Peter and the women go to a theater where Hannah Brown shows up and tells them they’re going to be telling their own story about sex to a live audience… and then she breaks down crying to the producers. So, Peter goes to talk to her, and they immediately express that they still have feelings for each other. The whole thing is intense.
Peter asks if it ever occurred to her to ask him on a date instead of Tyler Cameron, whom she asked out on After the Final Rose, and also whether she regrets sending him home in third place. She responds quickly with, “Yeah, Peter, I question it all the time.” Rough.
Eventually, Peter asks what she thinks about joining the season and going to the Bachelor mansion with the rest of the women. This question goes unanswered, but wow, does it feel like they should just run off together in this moment. Would Bachelor fans complain about of a season of just watching them figure out dating and hanging out in LA together?
Of course, the episode ends on this cliffhanger. Will Hannah join the show? Does the shooting schedule for Dancing with the Stars mean that this was even possible? Are they still in love now? I have questions, and The Bachelor has answers that it will dole out as slowly as possible for the next couple of months.
Who Should Win: If we’re going with the traditional format, Madison seems like a good pick. But, otherwise, HANNAH “HANNAH BEAST” BROWN. OBVIOUSLY.
Who Will Win: Frontrunners seem to be Kelly, Hannah Ann, and Madison so far.
What Chris Harrison Found Out During The Finale: That Kelley orchestrated their initial meeting at that hotel. Just taking a wild guess. We have no idea at this point.