Every once in a while, there comes a time when you know you need to log out, shut the laptop, yank the plug, and just pause. This, people, is the picture the great Kylie Jenner was painting when she said 2016 is the year of "realizing things." And today I realized that Halloween needs to be stopped. It's mid-October, which means Offensive Halloween Costume season is officially in full swing. On Tuesday, Costumeish gave us the gagged-and-bound "Parisian heist robbery victim" outfit nobody asked for (for $69, no less). But today I stumbled upon the $3,000 dog dress that is, in the words of one Laganja Estranja, "Too. Fucking. Much." As you can see, the costume is — shocker — for a teacup-sized puppy, arguably the most spoiled of canines across the land. And it's bedecked with more Swarovski crystals than the uniforms of the U.S. Olympic Gymnastics team.
I have to put these crystals on blast. First, I thought clothing for dogs that small just sort of disintegrated after about three washes? I know millennials aren't buying diamonds right now, but come on. Second, just read its yappy little description: "Strictly for pampered puppies only!" — you got that right — "With a price tag of $2,995.00 this gorgeous dog dress is every penny worth it, and nothing less than breath-taking with its elegant design and extreme attention to detail." — extreme! — "Designed by Susan Lanci," — (who?) — "this exclusive work of art" — LOL — "is a limited edition piece, offered strictly to V.I.P. pet boutiques only." It continues: "Featuring a beautiful flower garden made entirely of dazzling Swarovski crystals — each one individually hand-set upon soft green hand-woven silk. This exquisite design is truly one-of-a-kind, and no two dresses are exactly alike! Sparkling Swarovski butterfies [sic] flutter throughout the entire garden!" — reminder: This is a dress, for a dog — "Crushed crystal adorns the top of the dress along with a belted waistband of romantic pink ultrasuede roses!" Sigh. If you can't get with that, don't worry, because neither can we. What's worse is that all of the other little doggies in the schoolyard are going to be so jealous that this pup gets to wear Kardashian-level couture while they're stuck wearing French terry Yankees jerseys and cotton-twill camouflage onesies because, you know, "it's cute." But we digress. Whether legendary scammer Joanne Prada is behind this operation or not, hopefully anyone involved with this item (whether it's the creation or the purchase of it) has his or her Kourtney Kardashian-style come-to-Jesus moment and remembers that people are dying. And we've got bills to pay. Bills that don't involve a $3K dog dress. Okay, time to log out.