Valentine’s Day Horror Movies For All The Haters Out There

It's Valentine's Day, and love is mentioned in every commercial, pre-fixe dinner special menu title, and gift roundup. Blergh.
There are ways to celebrate Valentine's Day without buying into the saccharine, rose-colored empire built up around the idea of romantic love. Something that this Hallmark-themed day tends to forget: Love can be gnarly. Gruesome. Dark.
So, if you're feeling anti-Valentine's Day (and anti-establishment), we have the perfect movie watching itinerary for you. Each of the films in this round-up distort the themes lurking behind the most romantic holiday's discussion of love, pairings, and relationships. They plunge into feelings of obsession, pain, fear – things that also arise as a result of relationships. Some slasher movies attack the entire Valentine's Day enterprise in an overt, gruesome way. Others are more subtle explorations of how one never really knows who one is going to bed with. And each will be the perfect antidote to Valentine's Day fever.
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My Bloody Valentine (1981)

There are Christmas-themed horror movies, so naturally Valentine's Day would get its very own slasher. If you slightly cringe at the thought of couples happily dining together on February 14, then My Bloody Valentine might sing to that dark, slightly twisted part of you. In this '80s slasher, a maniac in a mining mask targets teenagers in love. The slasher genre is notoriously cruel towards sexually active teenage characters, and My Bloody Valentine proves no exception.
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Audition (1999)

Seven years after his wife died, Aoyama (Ryo Ishibashi) decides to conduct formal auditions to find his next wife. He's immediately drawn to Asami (Eihi Shiina), a beautiful young woman who seems to have intelligence and emotional depth. Essentially, she matches his criteria. Aoyama ignores the fact that everything Asami has presented herself as is a lie, and decides to pledge his undying love for Asami anyway. Before Aoyama knows what he's agreed to, Asami begins her violent, calculated plan to destroy him, and the arrogant, chauvinist qualities that define him.
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Lover's Lane (1999)

The town in Lover's Lane has a bloody history. Many years ago, the wife of the sheriff and the husband of the school nurse were found out to be having an affair, and then were murdered. Now, the victims' kids are all teenagers, and still living in the town. A killer with a meat hook starts preying on teenagers canoodling at Lover's Lane, hoping to track down the specific offspring of his first victims.
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Valentine (2001)

Kate (Marley Shelton), Paige (Denise Richards), Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw), Lily (Jessica Cauffiel), and Shelly (Katherine Heigl) made the mistake of growing up, and forgetting all about the way they bullied their classmate in sixth grade. That classmate grew up warped, and now he's bent on seeking his revenge. He goes after the women as they go through the ritualistic preparations of Valentine's Day. Valentine adheres to the romance-meets-slasher movie formula in a way that would make My Bloody Valentine (1981) very proud.
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Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Valentine's Day should be a celebration of all kinds of love, including that which exists between friends. And is there quite a love like the one Shaun (Simon Pegg) and Ed (Nick Frost) share? When London is overtaken by a fast-moving zombie virus, the pair teams up to shelter their friend group and Shaun's ex-girlfriend. Shaun of the Dead is the gory buddy comedy that will melt your cold, anti-Valentine's Day heart.
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The Corpse Bride (2005)

So maybe you don't want a slasher. You jut want love, underlined with the macabre. Tim Burton's stop-motion movie is about an engaged young man (Johnny Depp) who accidentally marries a ghost after performing his vows in a graveyard. The love triangle in The Corpse Bride straddles the line between life and death, between cute and grotesque.
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Teeth (2007)

While the rest of the world is watching romantic comedies, you should watch a movie about a high school student — the president of a Christian abstinence group, no less — who discovers her vagina possesses a set of sharp teeth that clamp down whenever she feels violated. Dawn’s (Jess Weixler) realization comes when another member of her purity group, Tobey (Hale Appleman), tries to rape her, and she literally bites his penis off with her vagina. Teeth came out in 2007, but has new life in the #MeToo era. With her "vagina dentata," Dawn can protect herself from the power imbalance that often arises in sexual encounters between men and women, allowing for an interesting thought experiment. Imagine how society would adjust to a female population equipped with a power like Dawn's. For a similar thought experiment, read Naomi Alderman's recently published novel, The Power.
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The Loved Ones (2009)

Brent (Xavier Samuel) is the long-haired dreamboat half of your high school probably would've had a crush on. When Lola Stone (Robin McLeavy), a loner, asks him to prom, he politely tells her that he's going with his girlfriend. This answer does not prove satisfactory to her. Lola kidnaps Brent, and forces him to participate in her very own sadistic prom in her basement.
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Fright Night (2011)

Who knows — your latest beau (or ex) could very well be a vampire. In this spectacular remake of a classic horror movie, teenager Charley Brewster (William Ragsdale) suspects that his new neighbor, Jerry (Colin Farrell), is actually undead. Jerry is the perfect object of romantic fascination for someone celebrating the Anti-Valentine's Day. He's evil, but has undeniable allure.
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Sightseers (2012)

Chris (Steve Oram) and Tina (Alice Lowe) only just met, but they're setting forth on a week-long trip around the British Lake District by way of caravan (which is a trailer hitched to a truck). Chris has a very strict itinerary of what he wants Tina to see – the Chrich Tramway Museum, the landscapes of his childhood. But with each overbooked caravan parking lot and group of noisy teenagers, Chris's plan is disrupted. Each time he encounters an obstacle, Chris eliminates said obstacle by way of murder. The couple becomes a pair of roving serial killers.
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It Follows (2014)

In horror movies and in life, sex opens the door to a whole host of complications. Jay (Maika Monroe) finds this out after she sleeps with her new boyfriend, Hugh (Jake Weary), and he passes on a peculiar and particularly deadly STD: a sexually transmitted curse. Now, wherever Jay goes, death will trail her — until she sleeps with someone else, and passes on the curse. Should the spirit catch Jay, it'll revert back to Hugh, and keep going down the line. Though Jay is the only person who can see death coming, her friends team up to protect her, and get rid of the curse without passing it on.
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