23 Of The Worst Valentine's Day Gifts Actually For Sale This Year

Photo: Sharper Image.
It takes all sorts to make the world. By that logic, it takes all sorts to make the couples in the world — and sometimes, those couples feel like they best express their love by buying things during advertiser-invented retail holidays. We're not knocking Valentine's Day; we'll take any excuse for a new little something, given and received by the people we love. But when that little something that's supposed to be representative of the affection you feel for the other person ends up sitting in the back of your hall closet, covered in dust, then maybe you're not doing it right.
Retailers use Valentine's Day as an excuse to jack up the price on anything that could potentially signify love, and paint it red and pink. And there are stressed-out people who've been duped into glossy price-tags and all that red and pink paint who think that a pair of socks and a bottle of bubble bath are just what their other halves have been needing. Let's break the cycle — the first step is to recognize what's probably just not worth it. Ahead, find the Valentine's Day gifts that don't quite say "I love you."
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Here's hoping that your partner's emotional maturity is more sophisticated than their sense of humor.

Forum Undies For Two, $7.95, available at Forum.
2 of 23
For the couple with money to burn: a product that's a composite of two unrelated things that have come together to form a lesser, singular thing.

KISS Reuge Espresso Machine, $4,200, available at Hammacher Schlemmer.
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This Valentine's Day, give your beloved the thing that made you cry once while you were alone in the kitchen.

Bronx Zoo Name A Roach, $25, available at Bronx Zoo.
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Can someone explain why couple whistles need to exist?

Pop Mall Couple Whistles, $6.99, available at Ebay.
5 of 23
Lady, he said "would," not "will" — would!

Prosper Couple Matching T-Shirt, $19.85, available at Yes Style.
6 of 23
Logistically, does the woman in the relationship drink out of the "Still Hers" mug or the "Still His" mug? Is the mug saying that the mug is hers, or is it saying that the mug-drinker is still hers? What is the grammatical significance of curly brackets? Also, how come one mug holds a third less liquid?

Still His & Still Hers Coffee Mug Set, $30.99, available at Brookstone.
7 of 23
A gift that says, "Bae, I want to wake up next to you for the rest of my life, but I'd prefer if there was a foam log in between us."

Memory Foam Couples Snuggle Pillow, $89.99, available at Sharper Image.
8 of 23
Sugar-free gummy bears have given us some of the most entertaining customer reviews on the internet. But after reading them, we're not sure why you'd want to gift something with such severe side effects to a person you care about.

Sugar Free Hand Dipped Cinnamon Gummy Bears, $26.99, available at Diabetic Friendly.
9 of 23
It wasn't that charming when Han Solo said it to Leia, and — trust us — it's even less charming when someone who isn't a Rebel Alliance smuggler who's saving the galaxy does it.

Think Geek I Love You / I Know Rings, $15.99, available at Think Geek.
10 of 23
For couples who insist on riding narrow escalators side-by-side, who have to hang up the phone at the exact same time, and who wait for each other outside the bathrooms at bars.

First Street Dual Seat Adult Tricycle, $1,899, available at First Street.
11 of 23
More like, "You Are my Municipality."

You Are My World Puzzle, $129, available at Sky Mall.
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That's some very advanced foreplay.

Edible Anus Chocolate, $38.95, available at Edible Anus
13 of 23
Take the worst parts of corporate ice-breaker events home with you!

Table Topics Couples Edition, $25, available at Table Topics.
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We know, we know — think about the "I'm nuts about you" jokes to be made!but at the end of the day, you're still giving someone three pounds of peanuts.

Gifts.com Deluxe Snack Attack, $69.99, available at Gifts.com.
15 of 23
Here is a love jester puppet painted on a mouse pad. I love you!

Sea Angel’s Gallery A Fool For Love Mouse Pad, $13, available at Zazzle.
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Everyone needs to get tested, but maybe a Valentine's Day gift card isn't the best vehicle for this conversation?

My Lab Gift Card For STD Tests, $25 - $200, available at My Lab
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Get it? She's demanding, and he's a pushover. HAHAHAHA.

CafePress Her Side/His Side Duvet, $157.99, available at Cafe Press.
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Perfect for the aforementioned escalator couple of every commuter's nightmares.

Smitten Mitten, $30, available at Love Driven.
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So romantic.

You ’N Me Pocket Knife, $19.99, available at Gifts.com.
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Our love fits together as seamlessly as irregularly shaped states into a loose configuration of a heart... Oh, wait.

State of the Heart Canvas, $29.99, available at Gifts.com.
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This is more a knock on us than anyone who'd want to buy a customizable book about all the reasons you love your partner, but, you guys: "I love how you blank my blank" is just too easy.

What I Love About You By Me Book, $10, available at UnCommon Goods.
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Cool metaphor, bro.

World Market Sand Timer With Compass, $12.99, available at World Market.
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Okay, no joke: I was halfway through filling out the form to send my S.O. a sweet potato parcel as a surprise, when he gchatted me this link. We laughed about the synchronicity, canceled our respective orders, and saved each other nearly $24 in the process.

Valentine’s Day Sweet Potato Parcel, $11.99, available at Potato Parcel.

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