No, Thanks: The 30 Worst Possible Holiday Gifts

Designed by Shawna Huang.
The holidays are a time for coming together, celebrating, and unchecked pie-eating. What could be better? Oh, right — the presents. You want to make sure your gifts elicit squeals of delight, not a tight-lipped grimace trying to pass for a smile.
So, to help you out, we've put together a complete list of what not to buy your friends, family, and loved ones this season. Click ahead for the 30 most weird, WTF-y, and why?-inducing holiday gifts we could find. Cheese-straw of the month clubs and all.
1 of 30
Because ladies LOVE doing dishes in their heels.

Brookstone Anti-Fatigue Mat, $119.99, available at Brookstone.
2 of 30
Cheese straws were never meant to be a monthly event.

Gourmet Food Clubs Cheese Straw of the Month Club, $79.95, available at Gourmet Food Clubs.
3 of 30
I don't care how close your favorite mama-to-be's due date is to Christmas. No one should have to imagine their child unzipping themselves and popping out like a demented xenomorph.

Crazy Dog T-Shirts Christmas Baby Peeking Shirt, $17.59, available at Crazy Dog T-Shirts.
4 of 30
You managed to fool HR's personality test — don't blow it now by violently punching a mini hot-air balloon every time your boss walks by.

Princess International Inc. Stress Buster Desktop Punching Ball, $11.93, available at Geeks Hive.
5 of 30
Look, just because a lady loves a good nap, does not make her the world's laziest mammal who only comes out of her tree to pee.

Appendage Accessories Sloth Sleep Mask, $20, available at Etsy.
6 of 30
We prefer the scent of apples and cinnamon to that of creeping mortality.

Flick Candles Grandma’s Last Christmas Tree, $16.99, available at Flick Candles.
7 of 30
Every Christmas I wish for the chance to be a T-800!

Sharper Image Hand Fitness Trainer, $29.99, available at Sharper Image.
8 of 30
Nothing says, "Cover it up, Sister Wife" like a convenient 3-pack of modesty panels!

Harriet Carter Animal Modesty Panels, $6.98, available at Harriet Carter.
9 of 30
Tell the tot in your life that he's as precious as a bucket of chum.

Hammacher Schlemmer The Shark Bait Sleeping Bag, $99.95, available at Hammacher Schlemmer.
10 of 30
Nope. We can already spot the cutesy little jokes you're going to make when you hand this over, and just no. Shut it down.

Iron Fist Siamese Cat Leggings, $15.50, available at Dolls Kill.
11 of 30
Prediction: The woman who thinks a lipstick-shaped flask is cute is also waiting eagerly for Sophie Kinsella's next novel.

Mustard Lipstick Shaped Hip Flask, $10.96, available at I Want One Of Those.
12 of 30
Boxed Wine?! Well, la-di-dah, Ms. Bougiepants. I keep my wine in a tote bag.

Menu Wine Tote, $62.99, available at Macy's.
13 of 30
Didn't we eat this already?

Arndt's Fudgery Homemade Fudge Gift Basket, $47.95, available at America's Farmstand.
14 of 30
Ugh. Is this going to be one of those sexist books that assume we don't sleep with our plush Daleks every night, and have strong opinions about the de-canonization of the Star Wars Expanded Universe?

A Girl's Guide to Dating a Geek by Omi M. Inouye, $13.46, available at Amazon.
15 of 30
So what if she takes three days to answer your texts and never pays you back for brunch? Holidays are a time when families come together and we all pretend we love each other.

Crazy Dog T-Shirt World's Okayest Sister T-Shirt, $18.99, available at Amazon.
16 of 30
Which is worse, to be cold or to look insane?

Sunbeam Cozy Spot Battery-Operated Heated Hand Warmer, $24.99, available at Sunbeam.
17 of 30
Transform that tacky bottle of three-buck Chuck you're gifting this season into the most festive bunch of barrel-chested revelers you ever did see!

Lillian Vernon Knit Sweater and Hat Bottle Topper, $6.99, available at Lillian Vernon.
18 of 30
Who wouldn't want a handsome, velveteen box — with engraved money clip or 9-in-1 tool — just bursting with sodium nitrate?

Oscar Mayer Bacon Gift Set, $22 - $25, available at Say It With Bacon.
19 of 30
I told you to medium chop the onions and dice the shallots, YOU IDIOT.

The Obsessive Chef Cutting Board, $24.99, available at Meninos.
20 of 30
Know what we hate worse than egg-white omelets? Watching a gaping-mawed Goldeen slurp up the yolks and barf them out into a separate bowl.

Peleg Design YolkFish Egg Separator, $13, available at Design Boom.
21 of 30
Sure, they water down your whiskey, but what ice cubes don't do is chip your teeth when you're knocking back a stiff one.

Rox The Eternal Ice Cube, $24, available at Rox.
22 of 30
Ladies have always known The Sharper Image was a great source for on-the-low "neck massagers." Now, it's guys' turns, with this gently undulating plastic mitten.

Sharper Image Hand Massager, $129, available at The Sharper Image.
23 of 30
These encourage smoking, and clothing fires. If they came with a poisonous dart frog, they'd be the trifecta of deadliness.

Suck UK Smoking Mittens, $30, available at Suck UK.
24 of 30
Mom, is Winnie drunk?

Suck UK Teddy Bear Lamp, $160, available at Suck UK.
25 of 30
Plug it up! We mean your USB port, obviously.

Meninos Studios Tampon Flash Drive, $29.90, available at Meninos.
26 of 30
Don't you love when the lights are out, you're burning your favorite candle, and it slowly melts to reveal a cluster of wraiths trapped in a ghostly embrace?

Uncommon Goods Dance and Embrace Spirit Candles, $24, available at Uncommon Goods.
27 of 30
Name me one scenario in which a cupholder-sized "Vino2Go" is advisable.

Vino2Go Vino2Go in Business Black, $12.99, available at The Product Farm.
28 of 30
This year, give the gift that says she's tall, kinda hairy, and it's not wise to upset her.

Wookiees Chewbacca Ladies' Robe, $59.99, available at Think Geek.
29 of 30
Only if you're gently mocking the giftee for jumping on the Timberlands bandwagon after Rihanna wore 'em.

Personalization Mall Work Boot Personalized Stocking, $20.95, available at Personalization Mall.
30 of 30
All the names in this book are fully customizable, which means that your little Hunter or Madison can finally see themselves in Bram Stoker's blood-sucking, lecherous, undead count.

Bram Stoker Personalized Copy Of Dracula, $19.99, available at

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