How To Score Glowing Skin Without Getting Pregnant Or Engaged

If you want family, friends, coworkers, and people you've just met to remark repeatedly on how much you are "glowing," all you have to do is one of two things: get pregnant or get married. For optimal glow, you could even try doing both at once; there's nothing wrong with a shotgun wedding, and why not double down on your perceived radiance while you have the chance? Life is short!

But what about those of us who want a clear, dewy complexion without diving headfirst into what Facebook would call a Life Event and your mom would call an "impulsive decision"? What if you want to do the same exact things you always do (listen to hour-long podcasts about the fall of the Romanovs, have store-bought smoothies for breakfast every day and frozen veggie burgers for dinner every night, scroll listlessly through the Instagram Explore page in bed until your fingers go numb), just with better, brighter skin?

Well, that's simple — just throw on a face mask and keep on keeping on. With the newest, most advanced formulas at your disposal, it's never been easier to glow without growing a human inside your own body or promising someone you'll love them and "keep them" (what does that even mean?) until one of you finally kicks the bucket.

So don't be shocked if your friends ask if there's anything major you've been meaning to tell them: It's just that you'll have the healthy, happy gleam of someone who has something to be excited about, even if that "something" is just the really sick bounty you scored from all the end-of-summer sales.