Hannah Brown is back and still has feelings for Bachelor Peter Weber. He has asked her about joining the other women in the mansion. Her Dancing with the Stars contract is being willfully ignored. The contestants are off somewhere writing stories about their sex lives unaware of the emotional wreckage going on backstage. This is where The Bachelor left off last week.
And it’s where it starts this week. Hannah and Peter are still, clearly, into each other, and are trying to figure out what the hell to do right in the middle of one of his group dates. Peter starts things off with this particularly brutal line: “You’re the one that said 'no' to me. I’ve never said 'no' to you.” But, Hannah says, “I don’t know if I made the right decision with you.” Things get canoodle-y. She’s sitting on his lap. He’s rubbing her back and stroking her hair. It’s all very romantic. But then! “I can’t do this,” Peter says. His jeans might be covered in the sparkles from her dress and she might be “doing that lip thing,” but he cannot go on. It’s too big of a risk for him to choose Hannah at this point because she might be acting based on “what ifs." Also, he’s already contractually obligated to be the Bachelor, and she’s already contractually obligated to keep participating in Dancing with the Stars. (That last part isn’t mentioned, but it’s possible that on ABC’s show about true love, people are missing out on just that thanks to another ABC property.)
Hannah leaves. Peter says in his interview that he wanted to kiss her and adds, “It wasn’t that long ago that we broke up, so I guess it is okay to feel this way.” Well, yes. But the fact that she wants to be with him, too, complicates that. It’d be one thing if he had residual feelings. It’s another that they both have residual feelings that could be revived were it not for their TV commitments, one of which involves trying to get engaged to someone else.
Anyway, Peter — his beard full of Hannah’s glitter — tells the women that he has to cancel this portion of the group date because he’s so thrown off. Natasha has by far the best reaction, saying, “Every day I’ve seen you, I’ve seen [Hannah], which also sucks for us.” To be clear, she's only hung out with him twice, but she was right to voice how she felt. During the night time portion of the group date, Peter tries to kiss the Hannah away with Sydney and Mykenna. Sydney gets the rose.
At the cocktail party — which is next because the show has already abandoned its usual format — Peter gives Madison a photo of the two of them with his family at his parents’ vow renewal from last week. One, I didn’t know the Bachelor could give presents at this stage. Two, this is a very strange present to give considering she won't want it unless they end up together.
The more important thing from the cocktail party, though, is that Kelsey is really, really upset over a bottle of champagne. The story is this: She got a bottle of champagne a year ago and didn’t drink it, so she decided to save it for a special occasion: The Bachelor. The problem is, Peter and Hannah Ann open the champagne, even shaking up the bottle first like it’s not a very important bottle of champagne that sat around Kelsey's kitchen long enough that she decided to bring it on the show. Kelsey hears a pop in the distance and then it’s on. She walks up and says “excuse me,” but can barely get her words out before she starts sobbing. Peter convinces her to enjoy a different glass of champagne with him, which she tries to drink from the bottle and ends up spitting everywhere.
But, she’s not done with Hannah Ann. Kelsey refuses to believe that it was a mistake, even after that “calculating” Hannah Ann points out that there were two champagne setups on the premises. (Well done, producers.) She “bought this champagne from Des Moines!” Can’t Hannah Ann understand that? She had it for a year and decided to use it for this only after being cast!
On to the rose ceremony. Hannah Ann and Kelsey, of course, both get roses. Courtney, Lauren, and Payton are sent home for being too quiet and not getting any screen time.
The next group date is branded content for Revolve, because now the women are becoming influencers for the brand while still on the show (most Bachelor contestants wait until after they go to Paradise). They have to pick out Revolve outfits that they will model in a runway show that will then be judged by Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’s Carson Kressley, “world’s first supermodel” Janice Dickinson, and Revolve executive Raissa Gerona. (In case you were wondering, not one of the contestants revealed that, surprise, she’s against fast fashion. That is the drama I am looking for.) The winner gets “the entire Revolve closet,” which is about 40 bags of clothes, apparently. The competition comes down to Hannah Ann, who is a professional model, and Victoria F., who is extremely nervous about walking the runway but ends up modeling in lingerie and kissing Peter in front of everyone. In the end Hannah Ann triumphs, after showing a level of sass in the final round that no doubt took Janice back to her America’s Next Top Model days.
Victoria F., on the other hand, gets really upset, because she has a hard time being confident and even when she tried really hard, it didn’t work. She tells Peter this at the afterparty and explains she’s not sure if this journey is right for her. Luckily for her, he reassures her by giving her the group date rose. Also on the group date, the champagne issue resurfaces (duh) when Hannah Ann tells Peter she was up all night crying after Kelsey called her a “bitch” and a “princess.” “My spirit was crushed and I felt bullied,” she says. Peter then confronts Kelsey, who responds with this amazing sentence: “I didn’t have a problem with her until she did what she did, and she knew what she did.” Basically, Kelsey admits that they don’t like each other, but denies being a bully. Peter is confused in that particular way that only affects Bachelor/ette leads who don't know how many people are lying to them.
And that’s the end of the episode. Next week, we get… well, more arguments about champagne, of course. But also the return of Demi Burnett from "Demi’s season of The Bachelor."
Winner of the Episode: Natasha. Please keep saying what everyone is thinking.
Loser of the Episode: It's got to be Kelsey. There was a combination of emotion, Bachelor producing, and fizzy champagne at work tonight that was really the perfect storm.
What Chris Harrison Tells Peter During The Very Teased Finale: That Hannah Ann really did open Kelsey's champagne on purpose. That would changes everything!