Things are winding down on season 6 of Bachelor in Paradise. Tonight, we got a closer look at some of the committed couples on the beach, the return of dramatic Blake Horstmann, and the answer about Caelynn Miller-Keyes and Dean Unglert that we’ve all… already known based on social media clues.
Starting with the latter, last week ended on a cliffhanger when Dean returned to Paradise and asked Caelynn if she would leave with him, because he realized how into her he was and that it was a personal issue on his part that he pushed away something good in his life. Caelynn’s response? “Holy crap … This is wild.” She’s right!
Caelynn takes a break to go talk to Connor Saeli, the dude she’s been seeing since Dean ditched her, and he goes on a long spiel about how he can “see a future” with her and how “actions speak louder than words” and how Dean “has already hurt you and who’s to say it’s not going to happen again.” He will not stop talking, and all of it is the “right” thing to say, but there’s no passion! No charm! No promise of visiting the National Parks in a van never knowing when your relationship will end! Dean offers all of that in great supply.
While Connor and Caelynn are talking, Kristina Schulman confronts Dean, who she previously dated during BiP 4. When she finds out why he’s there, her reactions are “Are you crazy?” and “You are selfish.” She’s also right!
Naturally, Caelynn chooses to leave with Dean. It’s the more exciting choice. I think a lot of people would have been charmed by Dean, but Caelynn is a 24-year-old with a history of enjoying music festivals, so this really checks out for her. She gives Dean her answer, he’s overjoyed, and they start kissing on a daybed where everyone, including Connor, can see them. His only response is “fuck."
Caelynn goes to tell everyone she’s leaving, and Kristina quips, “If something goes down, you call me, okay?” Dean and Caelynn then drive off in the van. Like, the production van. Not Dean’s van. Not yet.
Next up, because Paradise is wrapping up, we get to check in with one of the strongest couples of the beach, Katie Morton and Chris “Not Gerard Butler” Bukowski. They get a date card for a one-on-one, which Katie is excited about because she’s been concerned that Chris hasn’t been open about his emotions. “We haven’t had a lot of time to really focus on us,” she says. Isn’t that literally all they’ve been doing?
On the date, Chris “Bachelor Nation Elder” Bukowski admits that he’s bad about opening up, but that he’s “100 percent committed” to Katie, is starting to fall in love, and finds her “exciting.” His whole explanation is very mature and self-reflective, and it works for reassuring Katie.
The next morning, Revian Chang from only the first night of Colton Underwood’s Bachelor season shows up at the beach to save sad Connor. (He’s basically the only single or “single” guy left.) They go on a date to a boardwalk and kiss over a glass of champagne.
This date is not very interesting, so instead, we get to spend some more time with Demi Burnett and Kristian Haggerty, who also get a date card and who are very interesting. During a pre-date conversation with Katie, Kristian says that she and Demi express themselves differently, with herself being more physically affectionate. Demi, in a confessional, says that she feels Kristian is flirty with other women at the beach; a montage shows that Kristian might just touchy in her gestures when conversing with someone. It turns out that Demi’s concern isn’t just about Kristian, but about her own insecurities. As she continues talking in her confessional, she starts to open up about how PDA with a woman stresses her out, because of how she’ll be perceived by others. “It has everything to do with me being comfortable being gay around people,” Demi says.
On their date, Kristian and Demi talk about this, as well. Demi doesn’t like seeing Kristian touch other people, didn’t grow up seeing physical affection, is uncomfortable because she’s newly out. Ultimately, though, she is worried that Kristian will leave her because she won’t be able to get comfortable being affectionate fast enough. There is a lot going on in her head. Really a perfect storm for relationship anxiety. Kristian assures Demi that she isn’t flirting with other people, she’s just a physical person. “You are enough,” she tells Demi. “You’re everything to me.” The entire conversation is very real, very specific, very vulnerable. No matter what happens with these two, Demi and Kristian have brought a lot to this show.
Next up, we check in on Tayshia Adams and John Paul Jones, because a week cannot pass where this guy doesn’t do something deemed worthy of screentime. I’m over it. I’ve been over it. But, because he loves putting on a show almost as much as he loves Tayshia, JPJ sets up a prom-themed date for her, because she didn’t attend prom in high school. A palapa has been decorated with balloons that say “PROM," there are prom king and queen crowns, a Polaroid camera (which is actually cool because they don’t get to bring cameras or phones to Paradise), and a saxophone player. Everyone is obsessed with this. The cast will not stop talking about how JPJ is killing it, and Tayshia loves it, too. It would have been cute if so much else hadn’t already happened — namely, that nonsense about JPJ fighting Derek Peth in order to defend Tayshia’s honor. Are we supposed to think they’re the new Carly Waddell and Evan Bass? Because I cannot accept that.
Finally, we get to another “couple," Blake Horstmann and Kristina Schulman. Blake is still very into Kristina following his revelation that she’s The One. “I want her to suddenly be like, I want to let him in,” Blake says of Kristina clearly not trusting him and having build hundred-foot walls around her heart and mind. So, he writes up a date card for her and sets up a bunch of pillows, rose petals, and a snack platter.
Unfortunately for Blake, things don’t go as he expects, which is really an ongoing theme for him. Kristina tells him that they aren’t on the same page and that she’d already moved on from their relationship the first time around. (The time when he slept with Caelynn at Stagecoach the night after they’d been together, in case you forgot.)
So, Kristina decides to leave Paradise, and then Blake decides to leave, too. What’s the point if Kristina is gone? And Caelynn is gone? And Caitlin Clemmens is gone? And Hannah Godwin is with Dylan Barbour? And Tayshia is with JPJ? (Did I miss anyone Blake was previously interested in?)
I’m giving him a hard time, but when it comes down to it, it’s pretty clear what went wrong for Blake. He screwed up when he was trying to juggle multiple women, and he also is a hopeless romantic who can’t understand when things don’t go the way he thinks they should. The problem is, this a recipe for a big old mess. This leaves in you driving away from a Mexican beach sobbing. Blake brought a lot to reality TV this season, but reality TV is clearly not for him. I hope he starts handling his expectations better and one day finds love in the real world. He said himself as he left, “Paradise just isn’t for me, man.”
And, soon, Paradise won’t be for many people at all. Soon, the couples who aren’t “all in” and “100 percent” will have to head out, leaving the rest of ponder a proposal and whether getting engaged on TV is actually worth it. (You do get a free engagement ring, if you last.)
Best Non-Romantical Moment Of the Night:
Demi and Old Matt Donald talking about Old Matt Donald’s job. If you didn’t know, Old Matt Donald is not a farmer, he’s in medical sales. This leads to the following exchanges between him and Demi:
Matt: I sell placentas and umbilical cords.
Demi: Where do you geeeet theeeem froooom?!?!?!
Demi: So, like, how much for one?
Matt: Like, a whole placenta and umbilical cord is 40, 45 grand.
Don’t say this show never taught ya anything!