Welcome to the safest, most contoured space on the Internet: A space where we can openly discuss, dissect, and indulge in the greatest show of our time, Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
Ah, the Kardashian sisters are back and already pranking Kris Jenner with a fake pregnancy test. Didn’t you miss their shenanigans these past few months? I hope you did, because we’re about to dive in head first on all the new and old drama.
The season 17 premiere picks up in April of this year, as Khloé Kardashian is planning True's first birthday party, Kourtney Kardashian is trying to plan her own landmark 40th birthday, and Kim Kardashian West is feeling her age in a different, more literal, way. Khloé also is still dealing with the ripples of Tristan Thompson's alleged infidelity and figuring out how much of herself she wants to recommit to him. (Spoiler, it's zero percent at the moment. Thank God.)
The rest of the family is around, of course, with all the key family members — Kris Jenner, Scott Disick, Kanye West, and even Jonathan Cheban — making an appearance except for Kendall Jenner, who is only briefly mentioned during a conversation about Kourtney's party. (Remember when Kendall was mad at Kourtney for trying to steal her friends? I guess all those friends are invited to her birthday extravaganza.)
(Would also like to note that the ClearBlue brand is clearly flashed during the bit — is this spon-con? If so, they’ve outdone themselves.)
Loco For Single KoKo
Khloé is tan, and experimenting with new hair lewks, and “going through the motions” of healing.” She still has not spoken to Tristan Thompson face to face, and she is ~finally~ sees through all his bullshit. The humiliation she experienced at the hands of his wandering eye and heart is still raw, but she confidently tells her mom and Scott Disick that there is nothing he could do to win her back. Definitely not flowers and definitely not FaceTimes at all hours of the night to check in on her. I am loving Khloé’s back in action attitude — she was never meant to be a follower or pushed around. Let’s thrive, KoKo.
The first test of Khloé and Tristan’s evolving co-parenting situation is True’s first birthday party, which Khloé hosts at her home. Ahead of it, Khloé agree to talk to Tristan, via FaceTime, with a therapist. But then, after the therapy phone session, Khloé blocks him from calling her. She is reluctant to have him attend the party because she is afraid he isn’t a good influence. Kris gives her advice from her own personal expierence: do not remove him from his daughter’s life. She tells Khloé it took her five years to be best friends with her dad after they got divorced. It’s only been six — long, long — weeks since Tristan cheated, and there’s a lot more time left to heal.
So, Khloé invites Tristan over the night before the party to have a private meeting and eek out as much weird juju as possible. Khloé reveals that when he came over, he immediately crossed boundaries with her, asking if she wants a glass of wine and requesting a double-armed hug that turned into an attempt at a kiss. The audacity!
The party’s theme, “Somewhere over the rainbow,” is hopeful, although tensions are high when he finally shows up. It’s awkward, not just because of the Jordyn Woods situation, but also because this is literally the first time the estranged couple have seen each other publicly, surrounded by dozens of family and friends and friends of friends. Once he shows up, the camera goes directly to Kylie, where Kim is asking her if they should go say hi to Tristan or not. Kylie looks around nervously, especially given the the Jordyn Woods of it all.
Everything is going relatively fine until Kanye West and Tristan start talking, and things get a bit heated. "He didn't like our "Runaway" intro," Kanye tells Kim when she talks over to interrupt them. Tristan was upset that his song was used in the season 16 promo trailer, below, which was primarily about him cheating on Khloé. I mean, yeah, the family did put him on blast, but he knew what he was signing up for when he started dating her.
Once Khloé hears that Tristan is bringing up *that* at True's party, she breaks down. She ends the party in tears, upset and frustrated that her daughter's first birthday party turned into something emotional thanks to Tristan, again.
Even though Tristan is a steady undercurrent throughout this episode, he doesn't directly speak to the camera or audience once. He doesn't acknowledge any cameras at True's party, and we don't get to listen in on any of his calls with Khloé. But, it's obvious that he has watched the show in some form or another to know about Kanye's song being used in the promos. I wonder if he will ever speak publicly about what he did or Khloé, or what it's like existing on the outskirts of the Kardashian-West family as an unwanted outsider? I'd love to hear that sit down interview.
In the midst of all this drama, can we take a moment of appreciation for True’s cousin birthday party that went down before her big party? It was all family, sans Tristan, and just the sweetest thing to witness. All those beautiful little kids being best friends, and really having no idea how privileged and wildly out of touch their lives are? I love it. I mean it. It’s like the lost footage from opening sequence of Succession.
“I Hate Kourtney Party”
Kourtney is turning 40 soon and she is having anxiety, y’all. She doesn’t want a party. She wants to go out of town and not have to hear the word “Woo!” or, god forbid, thank people for coming to celebrate her.
The closer the party date gets, the less Kourtney wants it. She’s all grumpy and complaining about it. She doesn’t want all this attention!!! (As a resident Birthday Bitch I am so the opposite.) Anyway, alls well that starts with Khloé calling Kourtney a total pain in the ass. But it's revealed that Kourtney’s hostility toward her sisters and her birthday party is really rooted in her feeling incomplete. She isn't upset that she’s getting older, but her older age is making her look at her life differently. She feels lost, especially when it comes to relationships. “It’s making me feel like I’ve failed in some way,” she says, tearing up.
Although she handled it like a champ, Kourtney’s little bald spot is truly the most fortysomething ailment I’ve ever seen. The video of her getting shots on her bald naked skull gives me the shivers.
Can't wait to see how the party actually comes together later this season.
Kim Is Literally Falling Apart
Remember when Kim found out she had carpal tunnel from using her phone so much? The situation has worsened, and Kim’s pretty sure, thanks to Dr. Google, that she has rheumatoid arthritis. Kim has a baby and law school on the way, and her hands hurt so much that she literally won’t — or can’t — lift an onion ring dipped in ranch to her mouth. She can’t lift a straw to her lips out of her Oreo milkshake.
And yes, the third main Kardashian sister is crying this episode. After receiving a call from her doctor that she needs to come back for more scans and possibly an MRI for her swollen hand and joints, she starts crying. She's scared of the potential diagnosis. She's getting older, too!
It's a somber conversation, and, along with Kourtney's own aging fears, exemplifies the reality that while money can buy your hair extensions and near-perfect skin, it cannot buy you happiness or health.
Our weekly round-up of the craziest one-liners from the episode (these are all out of context because it makes them funnier):
“I’m gonna fucking stab her in the eye.”
“Kourtney, you have to go to the hospital.”
"Thank you next, you know?"