The love triangles have doubled, the ass-blurring bikini shots are at their peak, and the heartbreak stings more than ever before. Bachelor In Paradise is finally getting down and dirty with the drama in the wake of last night's total meltdown.
Welcome to episode 5, where we welcomed a few new additions (after last night's departures) to the lover-filled sandy beaches: Leo Dottavio from Becca Kufrin's Bachelorette season aka "Fabio", and Benoit Beausejour-Savard from Bachelor: Winter Games aka "The Millennial Napoleon." With their arrival, the tides shift, and a storm (literally) starts a-brewin'.
Now, let’s sage this shit.
Tia & Colton
The most talked about, but least interesting couple, got a date card because apparently we are supposed to STILL care about their relationship. You know who also doesn’t care about their relationship? Raven. She tells Tia that she doesn’t trust Colton's intentions, and that she is sure he will break her heart because he's only after "It Girls" of the moment. Tia brings up some of those concerns with Colton, and tells him that she was in some really terrible relationships and refuses to put herself through that humiliation again. In response to all her totally valid concerns, Colton slyly changes the subject by telling Tia exactly what she’s been dying to hear: “Will you be my girlfriend?” Tia is elated, and even offers up the idea that the two of them may leave Paradise engaged. Lord, child. Raven offered to cut off this guy’s penis! Obviously not husband-material.
Jordan & Jenna
After an intense night with Jordan, Jenna announces that she “would rather date anyone else” than him. Unfortunately for Jordan, Benoit arrives and Jenna is just his type. While Jenna is out on a romantic churro-filled date with Benoit, Jordan is preparing the biggest apology he can muster by writing "I'm Sorry" in huge letters in the sand. But, according to the succeeding exchange between Jenna and Jordan in the sand, Jenna isn't ready to be committed to whatever they had going on. Jenna acknowledges Jordan's attributes (that he's funny, unique, and very into her), but also sees his very apparent flaws. Jordan says his BIP experience ends on a "very good note," but I'm not quite sure it's with Jenna.
Jenna & Benoit
And just like magic: Benoit and his wonderful accent appear. Benoit's presence is shaking things up with Jenna and Jordan, who were already pretty rocky after Jordan's complete meltdown over the stuffed dog. Benoit loves Jenna's energy and sly smile, and she loves that she feels "safe and secure" with him. She sees his previous engagement to Clare Crawley not as a warning sign, but as a symbol of his passion for love. If we can judge a date by the lipstick stains left on a French-Canadian man's mouth, then this was a very good date.
Joe & Kendall
Joe and Kendall were so cute! Joe started out confident that new guys coming in would merely be a “good test” for him and Kendall's secure bond, but then Mr. Hair waltzed in. Joe’s clearly upset when Leo asks Kendall on a date, but the rest of the BIPers are pretty confident in Joe and Kendall’s connection and tell him he has nothing to worry about. After the date, Kendall calls Joe out for not being totally open, which would have been a great moment for him to just admit that he is falling for her, but instead he keeps it all in. By the end of the episode, Kendall has spoken her peace: she likes Joe, but wants to also pursue Leo. She's alone in that endeavor because the rest of the island is clearly #TeamGroceryStoreJoe.
Leo & Kendall
The girls are immediately struck by Hurricane Leo, but Kendall legit gets caught in the storm. Leo talks to a few of the blondes, his "type," but eventually decides that he wants to take out Kendall. On their date, the two pose for the cover of a romance novel (the plot of which is later acted out by the Bachelor alums), which gets pretty steamy almost immediately. They both admit they are very attracted to each other, and kiss, and play with each other’s hair. He tells her that he came on the show hoping she would be on it, and she basically says the same. Things are going so well for her and Leo, that she admits she has curiosity for Leo to Joe, and lets him know that she is eager to explore it. Meanwhile, Leo is also super eager to explore... all the other single women.
Leo & Chelsea
After his date with Kendall, Leo asks Chelsea to give him a tour of the hot tub, where they make out in the rain. Nothing really transpires further between the two in the episode, but it sets the tone for Leo's actual intentions on the beach, which are a stark contrast with the mushy words he was feeding Kendall.
Kevin & Astrid
The mom and dad of paradise. Astrid gives the girls advice, Kevin helps Benoit navigate the unchartered waters of paradise. Of all the couples, they still seem like they’ll make it on the other side of Paradise.
Krystal & Chris
Chris is apparently all in for Krystal, but we don't really see their relationship move forward at all. We do, however, see Kendall call Chris out for being a total asshole, which, agree.
Angela & Eric
They are still on the show! But we didn't see them much.
We didn't see Kenny at all. :/
John & Jubilee
We stan. But we didn’t get to see much about their relationship tonight.
He is still here, giving bad advice.
The cast of Jorge’s romance novel, Lágrimas En El Paradiso:
Ben Higgins: The Unloveable King who is shunned by his wife, the social media maven played by Amanda Stanton.
(P.S. — Please make him the next Bachelor, Chris Harrison. It feels right.)
Amanda Stanton: The social media monster who ruins her relationship with Higgin's character by "kissing" Arie and just being a general narcissus.
Arie Luyendyk Jr. & Lauren Burnham: The passionate lovers who are split up because of the husband's wondering eye, but then reunited because of their undeniable love for one another.
The Other Alumnae
Raven Gates & Adam Gottschalk (as themselves): The BIP season 4 love birds came to town to crash Colton & Tia’s date. What starts as an innocent game of musical chairs becomes a tear-filled confrontation. Raven also delivers the most eye-brow raising comment of the evening: “If this ends badly, I’m gonna cut his penis off and then he can’t ever lose that virginity.” Adam doesn’t speak, like at all, because Raven’s here on a mission: She’s in Mexico to break them up. But will it work?
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