Today in stories that will make you want to take a shower, I bring you Super Mario's nipples. Yes, you read that correctly. Nintendo's signature superhero has ditched his red overalls and headed to the beach for a little Koopa-stomping in the sun. With nipples.
Today, Nintendo unveiled some press shots of Mario in action in his new game Super Mario Odyssey. We've never seen canon Mario shirtless, so have hitherto never had a reason to consider his actuated areolae. I certainly don't mean to body-shame the poor fellow — like many others, I'm just moderately creeped out at seeing my favorite video game character exhibiting uh, way-too-human characteristics. It just crosses into uncanny valley. That said, if sexy cartoons are your thing, by all means, you do you!
It goes without saying that Princess Peach certainly wouldn't be allowed to #FreeTheNipple. Scores of women have had their photo removed from social media for the terrible crime of showing off a female nipple. Would it be a show of solidarity if Mario threw on a cute little striped tank top? Probably not, but it would definitely make me feel way less icky.
I am not alone: Twitter similarly had a freak-out fest over half-naked Mario. While most users were like NOPE, some had very hilarious things to say. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go retch into a pillow.
THIS IS BONKERS.
Another wrinkle in Mario's anatomical canon.
These two tweets sum up how we've all been feeling.
My personal favorite tweet about Nintendo Nipplegate 2017.
MAKE IT GO AWAY FOREVER.
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