Guys, Baywatch Is Going To Be Really, Really Dirty

Today, I must look myself in the mirror, and look hard. Will I even recognize my reflection? Because after laughing during the Baywatch trailer, I don’t know who I am anymore. Or, more shockingly, I do: I am the kind of person who would laugh while watching the Baywatch trailer.

But before I wax poetic about this trailer’s contribution to comedy, let me situate Baywatch in pop culture history. Recently, many entertainment franchises have resurrected in our current reboot craze, from American Idol to Will & Grace. Baywatch is this summer’s blockbuster contribution to the nostalgia fever sweeping the nation.

Spanning from 1989-1999, for 10 seasons Baywatch followed a group of attractive lifeguards prowling a crowded resort beach in Los Angeles County, CA. With its slightly raunchy reputation, Baywatch was known as a thinly-veiled excuse to show attractive people running in slow-motion in their bathing suits.

And that’s where the movie diverges from its television legacy. As Dwayne Johnson, who plays lifeguard leader Mitch Buchanan in the film, reminded us in an interview with The Sun, “The show was a family show on at family time of day.” The movie, on the other hand, will be “far dirtier than the show ever was.”

And my god, is it dirty. Within the first minute, Mitch (Dwayne Johnson) and his new recruit, Matt Brody (Zac Efron), speak as their balls — Matt adopts a high-pitched voice for his, because...his balls are scared.

Later, a character remarks that Matt Brody is “one of the best swimmers in the world, like if a human fucked a jet ski. Which is impossible, but would be so cool.” Would it be cool, though? Is that what cool is now?

Most of the jokes involve genitalia; most of the lingering shots are on slow-moving female bodies; and cars on fire are interspersed with beautiful women, like as if The Fast and the Furious were set on the beach.

I’m setting this up so you know that, when I laughed multiple times during the trailer, I was filled with a certain degree of self-loathing.

The biggest guffaw came at the moment when Matt and Mitch are inspecting a dead body for needle marks. With a totally straight face, Mitch convinces Matt to “lift [the corpse’s] fucking scrotum” and check his taint for marks. Then, while Matt earnestly scours the man's nether regions, Mitch snaps a photo of Matt with “a handful of ballsack” and uploads it to social media.

Reader, I laughed.

Most of my amusement, I think, comes down to Johnson's deadpan delivery. He is the master of mischief through intimidation, and I might as well embrace it. Given the summer season and the state of the world, maybe this trailer is a sign for me to stop worrying and learn to love Baywatch.