We've been through a lot with Pretty Little Liars. At this point, figuring out the answers to all of our unsolved questions is personal. We've committed six years of our lives to a TV show very loosely based off a series of too-wordy books with more unrealistic plot points then we'd care to list. We need to know why someone has tortured these young girls for so long. We need to know how something can feel feminist AF and totally misogynistic at the same time. We need to know how this town can be filled with so many murders, ghosts, and pedophiles — which all basically describes Game of Thrones as well, now that we think about it.
And tonight was officially the beginning of the end with the premiere of the final season. And it reminded me of the action-packed, somewhat understandable episodes of earlier seasons. It was the Pretty Little Liars we all used to love — all the way down to Spencer (Troian Bellisario) being the smart one, Hanna (Ashley Benson) proving her critics wrong, Emily (Shay Mitchell) acting clueless and helpless, and Aria (Lucy Hale) not even really being part of the storyline since she's too busy being half of Ezria. Some tropes are just too good to be reinvented.
The episode started exactly where last season left off: Hanna has been kidnapped by the new A, and The Liars, Mona (Janel Parrish), and their boy toys (seriously how are all these exes still at their beck and call?) are left to figure out who killed Charlotte (Vanessa Ray) in the next 24 hours. If they don't, Hanna will die.
1. Why are they constantly burying people and/or things? Every time they touch a shovel it ends up being a murder weapon with their fingerprints in it.
2. Can a plan be well thought out and "end up in first degree murder?" Spencer, I'm pretty sure there was a better idea.
3. Is Hanna doing the the "shhh" scene in the opening going to be the last time we see her?
4. Does Emily not having anything more intelligent to add to this conversation then, "Unless we're under a body-snatchers invasion, that's a real person"?
5. Caleb (Tyler Blackburn) was going to go "beat the truth" out of someone in the police station? Real smart.
6. Mary Drake (Andrea Parker) owns The Lost Woods Resort? That's convenient.
7. Why isn't the bell tower the first place they look every time? The number of bodies found there is racking up.
8. Why did the girls let that mask-maker create molds of their faces all those seasons ago? Every "A" has had a thing for masks.
9. Who did Spencer text "How do you know Hanna is still alive?" to?
10. Has Spencer actually been involved with the "A" team in some way since she first joined in season three?
11. Why is Hanna in her underwear in this locked cabin?
12. When trying to solve a murder they thought they should put all the names they suspect in a damn bowl and then discuss? How party game of them, I guess.
13. The suspects are Spencer, Mona, Alison (Sascha Pieterse) and no name? Those are typical results, and Emily definitely is the one that doesn't even have an opinion on who killed Charlotte.
14. Why have't they got The Lost Woods Resort closed down already? If only "A" uses it then it should have gone bankrupt the last five years.
15. Why is Emily ALWAYS confiding in the wrong people? Elliot (Huw Collins) is a psychopath.
16. Will Ali ever be allowed out of the mental institution? That is honestly going up on my list of worst nightmares.
17. Mary Drake has books on medicine, banking, cyber war, and construction — she just happens to have books on how to drug people, make a lot of disposable money, digitally attack people, and build creepy doll houses, all of "A's" favorite activities? Convenient.
18. She flew from Heathrow to Philly. Really Mary Drake went to the two spots that Melissa (Torrey DeVitto), a regular red herring, spends most of her time?
19. Elliot keeps a saw under his sink in a medicine bag? That's not creepy doctor behavior at all.
20. Oh, Spencer and Caleb are still together? I forgot. Well that is awkward since he is 100% in love with Hanna and making it obvious.
21. If Hanna is just being used as ransom to make The Liars find Charlotte's killer then why are they torturing her? (The electrocution and water scenes did add the expected creepy effect though.)
22. Why did Spencer's parents never tell her that Mrs. DiLaurentis (Andrea Parker) had a twin sister?
23. Did Spencer's dad have an affair with both Mary Drake and her sister Mrs. DiLaurentis?
24. Since when is "I was born first" a reason to hate someone? This was also an absurd storyline from Once Upon A Time the past couple of seasons as well.
25. Who doesn't see Spencer as ultimate goals? I love that the smart voice in Hanna's head is actually Spencer.
26. Does being in this bar with normal people make Aria jealous for the life she doesn't get to have?
27. A kid died while Mary Drake was babysitting them, and so she was shipped away to Radley. Do you think it was one of those two blonde kids and that explains the ghosts the girls and Ms. Marin (Laura Leighton) are always seeing?
28. Why is Emily putting her fingerprints all over the murder evidence? At some point they have to learn to not do that — they've been supposedly doing this for EIGHT years!
28. Why do they keep thinking a mental institution is a safe place? They've all been to Radley.
29. What did Elliot just inject into Alison?
This isn't a question, but needed to be shared. HANNA ESCAPED! She saved herself without having to be saved, and I could not be more proud of a fictional character. Getting in Mary Drake's car might not have been the best move, but we'll wait and see how that turns out next week.