10 Times Amy Poehler Completely Got You

Photo: Courtesy of HarperCollins.
It's pretty perfect that Amy Poehler named her first book Yes Please, because that's exactly what we said when we heard Poehler was finally writing a book. When we saw her author photo and bio, which proclaim that the entire book is an effort to get an invite onto Judge Judy's yacht, we were even more pumped to read it.
The memoir-cum-advice tome finally hits shelves today. And, it's chock-full of stories and musings from one of the funniest women in the biz. It also includes guest chapters from Seth Meyers and Poehler's parents, along with an acrostic poem about why Tina Fey rules.
Yes Please is pretty much everything you ever wanted to know about Amy Poehler's life up until now. But, it's not a straight memoir. Nor is it a miracle self-help book that will vault readers who follow it to the letter into the Hollywood stratosphere. Amy Poehler is completely up front about how she became the successful actress, writer, producer, and mother that she is today: with good, old-fashioned, hard work.
That's also not saying that Yes Please is a slog through someone else's tales of dues-paying. Poehler is a natural-born comedy writer, and it shows even in the parts where she's, say, detailing how they got UCB up and running.
You probably already harbor a fond reverence for the magic of Amy Poehler. Yes Please will only amplify your regard. Here, 10 quotes from Poehler's tome to whet your whistle. And, Judge Judy? If you're reading this, we'd also like to board the Triumphant Lady. You'll notice how well-versed we are with nautical slang in the preceding paragraphs. Ahoy, mateys. Get ready to say, "Yes please" to everything you're about to read.
1 of 10
Photo: BEImages/Matt Baron.
On vaginas...

"I don't consider myself beautiful or famous, but my vagina certainly is. Everyone knows this. I have the Angelina Jolie of vaginas."
2 of 10
Photo: REX USA/James McCauley/Rex.
On getting older...

"You know those exercise pools where the water comes at you strong, and you have to swim against it to build up your strength? That's what the social pressure of staying young feels like. You can either exhaust yourself thrashing against it, or turn around and let the pressure of it massage out your kinks. Fighting aging is like the War on Drugs. It's expensive, does more harm than good, and has been proven to never end."
3 of 10
Photo: BEImages/Jim Smeal.
On Tina Fey...

"Elizabeth is her real name, but I call her Betty...We host ALL the shit and RUN THIS TOWN cuz we COME CORRECT and NOBODY gonna stop us. FUCK ALL Y'ALL HATERS!!!"
4 of 10
Photo: BEImages/Matt Baron.
On pornography...

"Porn is everywhere. I am a fan of porn. It can be a very nice accompaniment to an evening of self-pleasure. It's as important as a good wine paring. Lest you think I am using fancy language to avoid revealing intimate porn preferences, please know that I prefer straight porn with occasional threesome scenarios that preferably don't end in facials. I also like men who seem to like women, and women who seem to be on the top of their porn game. I basically like my porn like my comedy, done by professionals. But, I am a 43-year-old woman, and so I can handle some of the images and feelings that porn conveys."
5 of 10
Photo: REX USA/Picture Perfect.
On drugs...

"In my twenties I tried cocaine, which I instantly loved but eventually hated. Cocaine is terrific if you want to hang out with people you don't know very well and play Ping-Pong all night. It's bad for almost everything else. If you're wondering who else is on coke, it's probably the last people left at the bar talking loudly about their strained relationships with their dads while the bartender closes up and puts stools on the tables. The day after cocaine is rough. Same with ecstasy."
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Photo: Virginia Sherwood/Bravo.
On the writing process...

"Everyone lies about writing. They lie about how easy it is or how hard it was. They perpetuate a romantic idea that writing is some beautiful experience that takes place in an architectural room filled with leather novels and chai tea. They talk about their 'morning ritual' and how they 'dress for writing' and the cabin in Big Sur where they go to 'be alone' — blah blah blah. No one tells the truth about writing a book. Authors pretend their stories were always shiny and perfect and just waiting to be written. The truth is, writing is this: hard and boring and occasionally great but usually not."
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Photo: BEImages/Matt Baron.
On careers...

"You will never climb Career Mountain and get to the top and shout, 'I made it!' You will rarely feel done or complete or even successful. Most people I know struggled with that complicated soup of feeling slighted on one hand and like a total fraud on the other. Our ego is a monster that loves to sit at the head of the table, and I have learned that my ego is just as rude and loud and hungry as everyone else's. It doesn't matter how much you get; you are left wanting more. Success is filled with MSG. Ambivalence can help tame the beast. Remember, your career is a bad boyfriend... it is healthy to remember you can always leave and go sleep with somebody else."
8 of 10
Photo: Ben Gabbe/NBC.
On the moon...

"I am a moon junkie. Every time I look at the moon, I feel less alone and less afraid. I tell my boys that moonlight is a magic blanket, and the stars above us are campfires set by friendly aliens. I track lunar cycles on my iPhone and take my kids outside at night when a moon is new or full or blue. We call this 'moon hunting,' and we bring flashlights and moon candy along. The moon candy looks suspiciously like M&M's, but so far neither of my sons has noticed."
9 of 10
Photo: Kevin Estrada.
On apologizing...

"I say 'Sorry' a lot...but this doesn't mean I am a pushover. It doesn't mean I am afraid of conflict or don't know how to stand up for myself. I am getting to a place right in the middle where I feel good about exactly how much I apologize. It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been taught to feel sorry for. It takes years to find your voice and seize your real estate. I am still learning to find the right balance. Sometimes I go too far the other way."
10 of 10
Photo: Courtesy of HaperCollins.
On her book title...

"The title Yes Please comes from a few different places. I like to say 'Yes please' as an answer to a lot of things in my personal and professional life. The 'Yes' comes from my improvisational days and the opportunity that comes with youth, and the 'please' comes from wisdom of knowing that agreeing to do something usually means you aren't doing it alone. It's called Yes Please because it is the constant struggle and often the right answer. ...'Yes please' sounds powerful and concise. It's a response and a request. It is not about being a good girl, it is about being a real woman."

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