A Game Of Thrones Season 7 Premiere Recap, From Someone Who Doesn't Watch Game Of Thrones

Photo: Helen Sloan/Courtesy of HBO
Confession time: I don't watch Game of Thrones. Before you start listing all of the merits of George R.R. Martin's fantasy series, I want to make it clear that it's not for any professed hatred of the source material. I have no problems with dragons, Lena Headey's character seems evil/awesome, and Kit Harington can really rock that facial hair. The only thing stopping me from watching Game of Thrones is the fact that, well, I don't watch Game of Thrones. I missed the boat in 2011 and never felt like catching up. So, what's someone who wants to know the happenings of Westeros to do when she's six years late? Tune into the season 7 premiere, of course.
While this isn't my first Game of Thrones rodeo — I've seen bits and pieces when friends tuned into the show, and caught some milestone moments on YouTube — it was my first time sitting down at a Game of Thrones viewing party. (I, a person who has a tendency to talk to the TV characters during every show that I watch, was firmly told that this would be a silent occasion.) So, as someone who paid very close attention to the season 7 premiere, but missed a hell of a lot of material that came before it, here's...
...A Non-Game of Thrones Fan's Unfiltered Thoughts On The Season 7 Premiere, "Dragonstone"
—Turns out that Pretty Little Liars wasn't the only show to use Mission: Impossible-style masks. Since the Red Wedding was all anyone talked about once upon a time, I was kinda, sorta familiar with the reason Arya Stark (Maisie Williams) was getting revenge on what's-his-face (the guy from Harry Potter with that cat?) and his crew. Still, watching Arya rip off his face, as the soldiers start coughing up blood from their poisoned wine? Into it!
—For a second I thought that we had turned on the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, but nope. Apparently, Game of Thrones is a zombie show. Also, all the zombies are made of ice, which is confusing.
—Did Bran stark get dragged all the way to an ice fortress by sled? How do I get that treatment?

—"We can't defend the North if half the population isn't fighting." Ugh, Jon Snow is woke bae. <3

—Who are these little kids? Why do they have swords? Does every little kid get swords in Westeros?
—Okay, are Sansa and Jon related, because I'm sensing ~all the chemistry.~ Or is it just Jaime and Cersei for which this is a thing?
—GIVE LENA HEADEY ALL OF THE EMMYS. I have no idea what happened with all of Cersei's dead kids, but ugh. I feel it. This queen's steely resolve holds so much emotion.
—Why is hot British Joshua Jackson asking for Cersei's hand in marriage? Good to know he has TWO good hands.
—Poor Samwell. Why is his only job to touch gross stuff?
—Samwell is basically Belle from Beauty & The Beast. Let him hang out in the damn library.
—OH HI ED SHEERAN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? Half expected him to jump into the chorus of "Galway Girl" when Arya walked up to the campfire.
—I want Arya's life to always be as nice as drinking blackberry wine with Ed Sheeran by a campfire. She deserves that.
—Everyone at the screening party laughed at the "It's just my luck I'd end up with a bunch of fire worshippers" line but I didn't get the joke.
—Sam is my favourite character because he's the only one who reacts properly when confronted with a zombie arm.
—...So, are dragon glass and dragon stone not the same thing?
—I don't really know what Daenerys's plan is, but girl, yaaaaas?
Some lingering thoughts:
—What is a Night King?
—What is a Third-Eye Raven?
—Why is Littlefinger so damn creepy?
—What brow pomade does Emilia Clarke use?

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