How Threesomes Are Getting Me Through Lockdown

About eight weeks into quarantine, spending yet another night alone and aimlessly scrolling on my phone, I came across an intriguing profile on Instagram. Lexi and her husband Eric* liked to make and share erotic art online. Their profile also made it clear that they were swingers and open to new partners. As someone with a lust for all things sensual and hedonistic — who's had threesomes before — I felt a bit tingly. Here was one of the hottest couples I had ever seen and they just happened to live in my city. I slid into Lexi’s DMs and eventually we exchanged numbers. At first, I told myself that it would be strictly texting. But as the days wore on, my resolve wore down and I invited them over to my apartment.

The three of us hit it off immediately and laughed and joked like we were old friends. That feeling of familiarity quickly gave way to intimacy. It didn’t take long for kissing to lead to touching and soon we were a mess of arms, legs, lips, and tongues. They were at my place for seven hours and yet somehow the time flew by. At one point, I heard the telltale clanging of pots and pans cheering on the healthcare workers signaling that it was 7:30 p.m. We were in disbelief: Where had the last few hours gone? What struck me most wasn’t just the mind-blowing sex; it was how much I’d been missing being around other people. Our threesome felt like a giant exhale I didn’t realize I had needed. After my first orgasm, when I was finally able to form words again, I blurted out, “I needed that in my soul.”

That declaration may have been a bit more dramatic than I intended, but what I said was true. Although I’m perpetually single and an introvert who craves alone time, like most people, I am used to some level of touch. And, by the end of two months in quarantine, I was missing all of it; hugs, handshakes, even the experience of being at a concert and feeling my body get pushed around by the flow of the crowd.

Psychologists call this skin hunger; the loneliness from a lack of connection with others — whether a simple pat on the back or a marathon threesome — is an epidemic. So much so that early on in the pandemic the Dutch government advised its single citizens to lock down with a dedicated sex buddy. And just last week the British Columbia Centre For Disease Control, recognizing that "sex can be very important for mental, social and physical well-being" garnered some giggles when it took the concept of barrier protection to a whole new level. It advised people to use glory holes for sex to get off while avoiding face-to-face contact. The New York City Department of Health proposed something similar back in June.

One thing I don’t think anyone expected was such an explosion of people seeking out threesomes. A quick survey of my friends found that those of us who are bisexual women have seen a huge increase in the number of couples looking for a third. Now that our usual outlets for excitement (travel, concerts, clubs) have disappeared, “folks are seeking new ways to cultivate passion and excitement,” says Toronto-based sex therapist Jess O’Reilly, host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast.

For others, being stuck in lockdown with their significant other may have created a bit of a rut. “People may be looking for ways to spice up their relationship since their normal routines have been disrupted and they might be spending more time with partners,” adds Toronto-based sex and pleasure educator Luna Matatas. “Exploring fantasies can be a great way to get out of a sexual rut or routine.”

For couples who are consensually non-monogamous, threesomes during COVID-19 can allow for new experiences while avoiding the higher risk of exposure to the virus via larger sex parties or group settings. This is true for Lexi and Eric. Pre-COVID-19, they had spoken to their doctor about opening up their sex life and had taken steps to do everything as safely as possible (blood tests, HPV vaccines, etc.). They had only been with one other couple before the virus hit and they had to reassess their approach.

As a couple they had been very cautious, staying in isolation and only going out for essentials once quarantine began. I had been doing the same, which was why I felt comfortable opening up my bubble to them — and only them. Although I would love to have the freedom to hug one of my close friends, for now I’m choosing the deep physical connection I have with Lexi and Eric.

A threesome may not be the choice for everybody, but my time with Eric and Lexi has been just as beneficial to my mental health as my regular yoga and meditation routines. Yes, the sex is still great, but it’s the moments when Eric massages my shoulders, or the three of us lay in bed cuddling (my arms around Lexi, Eric’s arms around both of us) or when Lexi lovingly braids my hair that I feel most satisfied. Turns out a little touch can go a very long way.