If a guy is making out with his girlfriend on a train at 9 a.m. but making eye contact with you the whole time, that's bad, right?
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) July 16, 2014Scared that living in Brooklyn has made me desensitized to children's screams.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) June 17, 2014ICYMI: The G Train
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) July 21, 2014Upstairs neighbor banging on the floor to congratulate me on my rendition of Master of the House.
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) May 28, 2014Just won an argument in my head with a woman who was rude to me 4 days ago.
— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) July 7, 2014If a cab driver asks how your day was, is it okay to respond, "no thank you?" Hurry, I need very quick responses.
— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) March 21, 2014This jack hammering outside my apt is making me feel like I'm in a cool New York anger cartoon. CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OH
— Aidy Bryant (@aidybryant) May 29, 2014My eyes are watering from allergies but I KNOW it looks like I'm silently weeping while I stand just outside of this dog park.
— Aidy Bryant (@aidybryant) April 24, 2014Currently eating in a Thai restaurant that is mostly just a glorified Seamless packaging center set in a restaurant.
— LilyD (@LilyD) March 12, 2014POP QUIZ!
Who said: "I'm not going to Soul Cycle as much because it ruins my blowouts"?
A) Girl on my 6 train
B) SATAN
C) All of the above
— LilyD (@LilyD) May 20, 2014How do I keep losing things in an apartment were I can see my refrigerator while laying in bed
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) May 28, 2014This woman is terrible at her job pic.twitter.com/LiJA39P0KI
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) June 12, 2014Next-door neighbor just sneezed 12 times in a row & then suddenly stopped. SHOULD I CALL AN AMBULANCE?
— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) June 2, 2014Reading articles in the NY Times "Real Estate" section is like reading obituaries for neighborhoods.
— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) July 12, 2014There's a dude outside my apartment yelling "Have you even heard of sizzurp?!" at his friend over and over. Goodnight moon.
— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) July 21, 2014On a subway car full of agitated New Yorkers frantically trying to turn off the Flash Flood alarms as the train gets reception
— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) July 15, 2014I am fucking SHREDDING IT at Tinder right now
— Livia Scott (@LiviaLove) July 19, 2014An older lady with a dope purple outfit, cream colored hat & metal cane just smiled at me. I smiled back. We knew we were kindred spirits
— Livia Scott (@LiviaLove) July 7, 2014The greatest lie we tell ourselves is "that dripping liquid is probably from an air conditioner"
— Andrew Law (@thatandrewlaw) July 3, 2014If someone sold you 2 eggs for $14 you'd slap them across the face and yet we all still love brunch
— Andrew Law (@thatandrewlaw) February 20, 2014On #NewYork @Yelp, a $ sign means $100+
— Jorja Hudson (@jorjasmic) July 9, 2014Tinder, but to connect people who have AC with those who don't?
— Jorja Hudson (@jorjasmic) June 20, 2014is there a law against eating pistachios and driving? cause my driver is eating pistachios and driving.
— Michael Che (@CheThinks) July 21, 2014when u live in a new place, u realize shit like "i dont own a broom."
— Michael Che (@CheThinks) July 16, 2014I would like to manage my life choices as coldly and efficiently as bagel places manage their lines.
— Sal Gentile (@salgentile) January 19, 2014I just moved to Brooklyn on Monday and already I've accidentally recorded backing vocals on 6-7 Grizzly Bear LPs.
— Sal Gentile (@salgentile) May 2, 2014Heave all the heavy sighs you want, lady next to me on the subway, I do not want to talk to you about your foot problems.
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) April 26, 2014I want to tell 20 year old Amber that waiting in line for 20 minutes to pay 13 dollars for a salad will be a regular part of her life.
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) March 24, 2014Fell on the subway steps and screamed, "today's gonna be awful!" In other words, I'm in a good place, guys.
— Naomi (@Blacktress) May 2, 2014There should be a mandatory waiting period before getting a microphone and portable amp in the five boroughs.
— Naomi (@Blacktress) July 2, 2014Yes bodega guy, I will have a sandwich and your dustiest bag of chips.
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) May 4, 2014I just finished my night run and I would like to thank everyone for not murdering me.
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) July 22, 2014I never get as interested in my own friends' lives as I do in gossip I overhear on the subway.
— Zhubin Parang (@zhubinparang) June 25, 2014The theory behind cafe bathroom walls seems to be that you're most in need of life affirmation when mid-pee.
— Zhubin Parang (@zhubinparang) February 22, 2014NYC slogan idea: Come live in NYC, where you'll eat 60% of your meals standing over a sink or walking down the street.
— Ted Alexandro (@tedalexandro) May 13, 2014A bagel shop that plays club music is hard to find but not if you live in Astoria.
— Ted Alexandro (@tedalexandro) June 19, 2014A couple walks arm in arm on Broadway. They silently break apart. She glides into Madewell. He marches into J. Crew. They are in love.
— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) July 20, 2014A man on the street just told me I was going to hell. I'm actually going to Chipotle? Get your facts straight, dude.
— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) July 11, 2014