Dear Nicki Minaj: Humiliation Is A Kink, Not A Sex Training Tool

When Nicki Minaj appeared on The Ellen DeGeneres Show Tuesday, she gave viewers some great sex advice: "Do me a favor, ladies. Realize that this is about you feeling good, too. This is not about him only feeling good," she says.
The rapper then goes into more details about learning to focus on her own pleasure, and not having time for anyone who can't learn how to please her (which includes people who aren't up to having sex at least three times a night).
It's great that Minaj has learned to demand her pleasure, and that she's encouraging others to do the same. Too many women still struggle to ask for what they want from sex. But, in telling women to focus on themselves, Minaj also gives some cringeworthy advice.
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"I’ve found that the worse you make them feel... that they know how to do it better," she says. She tells DeGeneres that you have to "tear [a lover] down" so they learn how to make your body feel good. "I say, 'What the hell is this? What's going on? You gotta make me...' And then they never play that crap with me again," she says. While Minaj may have found that speaking to her lovers this way works, shaming someone certainly isn't the healthiest way to help them learn how you like to be touched — unless, of course, humiliation is their kink.
Erotic humiliation is a kink that involves one partner embarrassing the other, either physically or verbally. Maybe it sounds strange because for most people being embarrassed is embarrassing, but some people get turned on when someone else degrades them, either publicly or privately. Still, that doesn't mean that every topic is fair play (including how good or bad they are at pleasing their sexual partners). Humiliation play, similar to other kinks and any other type of sex you're having, requires consent and negotiation beforehand.
"Treat the decision to use humiliation as a serious one: never do it casually or thoughtlessly," Kink website, Kinkly, suggests. "All it takes is one wrong word, said in the wrong way, to be emotionally crippling." If your sexual partner gives you the green light to humiliate them into touching you the way you want, then feel free to take Minaj's advice to heart. If not, it's best to steer clear of Minaj's tips.
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"Unless humiliation is your kink and consent has been given beforehand, degradation and humiliation during sex is never okay," says Laura Deitsch, DHS, resident sexologist at Vibrant. Instead, use open and honest communication about what you like and don't like during sex.
"Ideally, having a basic understanding of someone’s style is best — are you a rough and tumble kind of person or do you like it soft and sweet? Talking beforehand but also not being afraid to voice your desires in the moment will do wonders for your pleasure game," Dr. Deitsch says. "You can also show what you do and don’t want through a hands-on approach," she adds. "You’d be surprised what a gentle nudge can do — guide your partner and show them what you like."
Maybe the idea of guiding your partner's hands or telling them to thrust faster feels awkward, but communicating during sex will make it better, not worse. It's important to be vocal throughout sex if your partner isn't hitting the right spots or going at the right rhythm — just be sure to ask nicely.
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