An FBI Negotiator's Guide To Resolving Your Next Fight

Welcome to Mothership: Parenting stories you actually want to read, whether you're thinking about kids or not, from egg-freezing to taking home baby and beyond. Because motherhood is a big if — not when — and it's time we talked about it that way.
When my husband Tom and I became new parents and were deranged from sleep deprivation, we got in one argument after another. I kept wishing there was a way to calm our tempers, fast. Then I saw a live bank holdup on TV, and was amazed at how quickly the crisis negotiators persuaded the robber to calm down and surrender his weapon. Maybe their techniques could apply to relationships?
Enter Christopher Voss, the FBI’s former lead international hostage negotiator, and Gary Noesner, former chief of the FBI’s Crisis Negotiation Unit for a decade. They spent their careers reasoning with highly agitated people in hostage situations, kidnappings, and prison riots, and say that the strategies of crisis intervention can definitely apply to relationships. Here are their tips to cool an argument quickly.
Adapted from How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids (Little, Brown, 2017).

More from Sex & Relationships


R29 Original Series