In Loving Memory: Kanye West’s Phone

You were the vessel to "god's vessel," the source of many unintelligible tweets, and the yin to Kim's LuMee-encased yang. Today, we mourn you, Yeezy's phone. Your father cast you aside for his art.
But you still had so much to offer the world, so much to say. Like Martin Luther King Jr. — and Kanye himself — you, too, had visions of a better future.
You repeatedly begged to share your self-expression through Instagram and Snapchat. Kanye told you he would think about it, but always shut you down.
You tried so hard to be a constant source of optimism, even when your soul felt dark. And we understood you, because we are also not morning people.
You tried to tell yourself that it's what's on the inside that counts, but try as you might, you couldn't be green like Kanye wanted. You were never good enough.
You constantly dealt with mood swings and issues with punctuation!
You tried to keep the peace with Taylor and Amber Rose, but there was always someone intervening and making you out to be the bad guy. You were an innocent bystander, unworthy of blame.
And though you tried to talk to your mentor back at Apple HQ, it never happened.
You asked Kanye to please stop blaming your Apple friends, but, to your eternal shame, he never obliged.
Yeezy's iPhone, we hope, for your sake and ours, that West doesn't change his mind and return to you when he realizes all that he has lost. Know that you are in a better place now, where you won't have to live in his shadow.
And we can only hope that in heaven, you will be reunited with other dearly departed souls.
Yeezy's phone is survived by @kanyewest, the aforementioned Twitter account. He was only 5 years old at the time of death.

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