MTA Targets Leg-Spreading Dudes, A City Rejoices

Today in Best News Ever, the MTA will now be actively targeting those guys. You know, those guys who need the space of a meteorite crater between their knees in order to sit comfortably on the subway. AMNY reports that in January, the MTA will launch a campaign to get riders to remove backpacks and "sit properly on the subway."
Now, the backpack thing is great — who among us hasn't been smacked in the head by one of those? Still, in that case, the backpack-assailant is often unaware of the offense. But — forgive us — it takes some serious balls to be that guy kicking back, legs akimbo, on the F train at 8 a.m., while the rest of New York city squishes up against each other in order to accommodate his precious, precious personal space.
Often called "man spreaders," we prefer not to denigrate an entire gender and will instead simply call this particular subset of males "jerks." Tumblrs chronicling Men Taking Up Too Much Space On The Train have provided a much-needed outlet for rage against leg-splayers, and Gothamist has a whole column devoted to highlighting the worst subway offenders. But, this move by the MTA is the ultimate validation and proof that this is not an issue of anatomy, but rather one of etiquette.
So, jerks: Don't give us the old testicle excuse. We understand that a scrotum takes up more room outside your body than a vulva does, but it simply does not require three to five feet of leg-splaying to make you comfy-cozy on your morning commute. Your balls are not that big. We're sure they're fabulous, but they're not that big.
We don't see you guys sitting all Henry VIII-style at the office. Why? Because you're not Henry VIII. On the subway, we are all equals. We're all just hoping to get to work on time and not get kicked in the head when "show time" starts. So, be a good citizen, and sit the hell up.