Harry Potter, illustrious Auror and your pretend boyfriend since the age of eight, is turning 34. Can you believe it? Neither can he — so much life and youth, gone by in a flash. When you pack that much action into the first 17 years, the rest tends to pass kind of slowly, doesn't it?
See, the odd thing is, faced wtih his own mortality on a yearly (if not daily) basis, young Mr. Potter never had much chance to think about existentialism as it pertains to the mundanities of everyday life. It's one thing to make all sorts of moral proclamations when you're a war hero, but what about after the fanfare dies down? How will our hero keep it up in the face of endless poopy diapers, gray hairs, marital squabbles, and all the other things that inevitably come to pass in his adult life?
Because J.K. Rowling is busy with other things, we came up with a new series for her, a slightly darker take on Harry Potter at 34. It's called Harry Potter and the Human Condition, and it might bum you out, but imagine how he feels.