Welcome to the safest, most contoured space on the Internet: A space where we can openly discuss, dissect, and indulge in the greatest show of our time, Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
In this week's episode, "Drop Dead Gorgeous," Khloé Kardashian refuses donuts, Kim Kardashian does a half-dead person's make-up, and Scott Disick messes up. For now, all that sister drama has successfully been swept under the rug (next week's trailer revisits the juicy drama). Luckily, despite the morbid title, the only dying things in this episode are Disick's reputation, Khloé's patience, and me on my couch at Corey Gamble's ode to skiing.
Let's get recapping.
The Cookie Monster
Kris is the cookie monster of Calabasas, but instead of hogging all the cookie for herself, she wants to shove them down Khloé's throat. She literally she buys Khloé four dozen Krispy Kreme donuts with the intention of having Khloé eat them all in one sitting. Apparently that's what Kris did when she was pregnant, and she is really concerned about her daughter's obsession with not gaining excess weight during her pregnancy. Kris is definitely being annoying (she even crashes Khloé's workout), but she does have a point. So far, at three months Khloé' has only gained 11 pounds. Kim swears that at that time, she had gained closer to 30 pounds (she didn't clarify with which child). But Khloé's doctor tells her that she's right — because her and Tristan Thompson are both tall and muscular people, it's likely that their child will be a big baby, which means a Caesarean section might be the ideal route. But Khloé really, really doesn't want a C-section. Her sisters all had natural births, and she is scared of the recovery time that comes that sort of delivery. At the end of the day, Khloé needs to listen to only two voices: her body's and her doctor's. Khloé isn’t necessarily doing anything unhealthy by avoiding carbs and resisting cravings, she just wants to do her pregnancy her way. Kris finally accepts that after she attends a doctor's appointment with Dr. A, Khloé's OB-GYN. As of now, she is still on the track for a natural birth. (We don't officially know how Khloé delivered, but I think we may find out later this season.)
Reminder: At this exact same time, Kylie Jenner is pregnant, but we haven't seen her once this season yet. It feels like Kris is focusing all her energy on Khloé because Kylie has (wisely) holed herself away.
Disick apparently has a career in flipping houses, and he is extremely “passionate” about it, and we get to hear about it. Apparently, he buys houses, furnishes them with furniture and fancy art, then flips them. He also has desires to one day start his own furniture brand. For him, the next step is to attend Art Basel with Corey Gamble and purchase new art for a house he has. “I get to show the world that I actually do work,” he says, adding that he sees himself as the “modern day Martha Stewart” He finally wants us to take him seriously. And by us, I think he means KOURTNEY (who is only in the episode for one scene where she and Kendall Jenner visit the Rage Ground, a far stretch from her current zen state of mind). So, Disick makes this pretty professional-sounding plans to meet with galleryist and network day 2 of Art Basel with Gamble, but he never shows. It's implied that he partied too much the night (or day) before, or decided to hang out with his girlfriend, Sofia Richie, instead of upholding his plans like a real (business)man would do. Kris lays into him a little bit after she hears about his stunt from Gamble, but Disick doesn't seem to really care that he is talking a big talk and not walking any walk. Martha Stewart would never.
P.S. — This whole plot line is a very good segue to Disick’s rumoured new reality series.
Is There KKW Beauty In Hell?
Kim knows no bounds! She becomes obsessed with the idea of a woman's final look, as in, the beat on her dead body. She starts reading a book about what it takes to be a mortician, and goes so far as to actually apply a full KKW look to a woman pretending to be dead at a funeral home. Yes, that is a real sentence and a real plot line, and the inspiration for this week's episode title. She enlists her makeup artist and friend Mario Dedivanovic to attend the mortuary makeup class with her, and they even have the gall bring a large bag of her makeup line to test out. Their teacher, an actual mortician, shows them how to cover up facial bruising using colour correction. Instead of listening, Dedivanovic asks if he can apply some KKW highlighter for a glow — on a (basically) dead body. Kim never touches the woman's face, despite it being all her idea.Based on the final look, which features products from the peach line, this was a sneaky audition for Dedivanovic to prove he will give Kim A+ contour for her final look. He killed it.
Gamble skied 13 times in 2017. He wants to ski 18 times in 2018. He hardcore trains for his ski trips (something even his friend Disick didn't know), and he even wears special skiing outfits. I am pleased to learn that he has improved from this disastrous 2016 ski lesson.
He has gotten, in his words, revenge on Vail!
Our weekly round-up of the craziest one-liners from the episode (these are all out of context because it makes them funnier):
“That’s some tough glass.” — Kendall
“Sex is better sober.” — Kourtney
“Being drunk adds value to everything else in life.” — Khloé
“I’ll just say I was at the strip club earlier.” — Scott
“Different people are interested in… different things.” — Kris
"I don't like your pussy in my face." — Khloé