The Kardashian women are women of few words and they always know exactly what they want to reveal.
In Snapchats, Instagram stories, and paparazzi videos, they have something to sell. In interviews, they have a rumour to keep hot on the stove. In tweets, they have fans to fawn over. In their series, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, they have a combination of all of the above. And in real life? Well, hell if we ever know what's really going on with this family because they're more lock-lipped than a teenager caught sneaking in after curfew.
They don't need us. We need them. We need them to entertain us (feel free to close this story if you don't agree, but I know you do). We need them to let us in! But lately I feel...ignored. The most interesting thing Kylie Jenner's done in weeks is get fucking glasses. The Kardashians are being too quiet, and frankly, I'm nervous.
As someone who is paid to know everything about the most famous family in the world, I have to reveal that there are obvious patterns to the way that they function. They're a brand; a show; an empire. They're clearly gearing up to drop some big, weird news. And I'd venture to guess that we will be getting that news right around the time of the mid-season premiere for KUWTK, set for late July. But until then, much like a A Quiet Place, the silence is deafening!
With real important current events happening (yes, I can obsess over Kim Kardashian's Instagram feed and keep up with the concerning state of our government and overall country-wide morale), I do not blame anyone for not noticing that the Kardashians have retreated into their Calabasas shells to scheme, and plan, and wait. So, let me just do a quick refresher for you on what the Kardashian-Jenners have been up to in the past week just to make you understand how bland they are being.
Kim has opened a pop-up shop for her make-up line, KKW. Kourtney embarked on an Italian vacation with her tall, young, handsome boyfriend Younes Bendjima. Khloé has gone to McDonald's with Tristan Thompson. Kris has done nothing of substance since the MTV Movie & TV Awards over a week ago. Kylie has embraced her freckles. Kendall has taken selfies on a timer.
Meanwhile, here's what the men have been up to: Kanye West has been profiled by the New York Times. Thompson has reconciled with Khloé and reunited with his daughter, True. Scott Disick has been an (image-wise) attentive boyfriend to Sofia Richie after a recent rumour that the two had split. The women have let the men take-over the spotlight, which is the sussiest move they've pulled in a long time. We know these sisters, mothers, wives, and children well enough to know that nobody puts these babies in the corner. Not unless they're about to drop an internet-breaking nuclear bomb of headline-grabbing news.
The family has a history of saving their biggest reveals for the mid-season premieres. It makes sense why: the bigger the news, the larger the viewership, the higher the ratings. But the mystery here is what is there left to reveal? After Kris was able to twist the rules of fate and have three of her daughters expecting children at the same time, what more could she do to shock and intrigue America?
Maybe, and I say this at the level of a mouse-whisper, they've realised they've reached peak prosperity.
Hahaha — I kid! The powerhouse family is far from done dominating pop culture, and fashion, and beauty, and political news cycle. They're just going to have to get creative. And if my timeline estimate is correct, we'll start seeing inklings of the Big News of the Season soon to get us ready for the show's return.
Will Kendall finally let the show into her relationship life (remember she was spotted with Gigi Hadid's little brother Anwar recently), or will Khloé bring us into a couples counselling meeting with her and Thompson? I can almost hear the purr of Kris' iPhone keyboard as she drafts out her big reveal email now.