The first sex toy I ever purchased was a long, girthy, purple dildo. I was 18 and had dragged my best friend into a small sex shop in the West Village. She was clearly itching to leave, but I made a beeline to the gigantic toys hanging all over the walls. It was as though I instinctively knew exactly what I wanted the moment I stepped in the door — like my crotch took over for my brain and steered me in the right direction. I was so excited. I made my selection quickly, for the sake of my friend, though I could have spent all day in there. When I got home, I couldn’t believe that I’d actually gone for this big ol’ dong. It was about 10” long and around 2” in diameter — and I doubted my ability to even fit it inside my body. Well, it fit alright, and I loved how different a larger girth felt inside of me. I didn’t really masturbate much at that age, but the difficulty of finagling a gigantic dildo into my body seemed like half the fun. This was it; I knew for sure that this was my particular kink, and I was so excited to discover this side of my sexuality. Part of me felt as though it was entirely ridiculous; I had been sexually active for about three years, and in that time, I’d had around 10 sexual partners. I hadn’t seen it all, but I’d seen enough to know that no human genitalia looked anything like this. It went deeper than I’d ever felt a penis go, and it was divine. I felt like a total dildo Olympian. My crotch was capable of taking a big dick, and that gave me a bizarre sense of pride. I wondered if this is why people liked fisting so much. As I became more sexually active, I realized that my enjoyment of larger toys could be a point of contention for future partners. I had never shared that part of myself with anyone, and the more I watched porn and read all the nasty comments people made about “size queens” (a.k.a. those who prefer being penetrated by large penises or objects) online, the more nervous I was to broach the subject with anyone. When I was finally brave enough to show Brandon* this same dildo, I felt very awkward, and I wasn’t sure how he would feel about it. We weren’t officially dating, but we were more than just fuck buddies. We worked together at a nightclub and flirted with each other relentlessly. Eventually, we got together and realized we had a strong emotional connection. He said that the sight of me using the dildo was incredibly sexy, and he frequently requested pictures and videos of me inserting it. I happily obliged. In real life, however, it was clear that the dildo was not welcome. The presumption that there was a direct comparison being made between the dildo and his own penis ruined the mood for Brandon. He didn’t want to limit my experiences, but he also didn’t want that dildo in his bed.
As I became more sexually active, I realized that my enjoyment of larger toys could be a point of contention for future partners.
Brandon was the beginning of a long succession of partners to whom I tried to express my love of big toys, but who ultimately shut me down in one way or another. Usually, I wouldn’t even have an opportunity to gently introduce the concept; I’d open my toy drawer, where I kept my condoms, and the dildo would be the first thing a partner noticed. “Really? You use that?” Simon* asked me. When I confidently replied that I did, in fact, use the girthy, curved dildo he was referring to, his expression changed visibly from awe to distress. Still, he said he wanted to use it on me. After a few minutes, I could tell he was totally not into it. I stopped, went to the bathroom to wash it off, and put it back in the drawer. After that, I began to hide the larger toys in a separate area from my vibrators, so that there wouldn’t be any more awkward, mood-ruining moments. No matter how much I explained that my dildo preference didn’t reflect my flesh-cock preference, everyone seemed to feel as though my toys cast a shadow on their bodies. In fact, some of my favorite penises have been on the smaller side. I cannot stress enough how much I love all shapes and sizes of dick. Each one has something special about it; they are apples and oranges to me. I always sympathized with my partners and didn’t want to hurt their feelings in any way, but I wondered if there would ever be a guy who loved the fact that I love large toys — a guy who would not just feel comfortable, but would actually take pleasure in helping me use those toys. (By the way, if you’re wondering whether using these toys has stretched my vagina over the years, a gentle reminder that the vaginal walls are comprised of muscle and are entirely elastic; there's no harm or structural change in using big toys, as long as you listen to your body and lube up.)
I wondered if there would ever be a guy who loved the fact that I love large toys — a guy who would not just feel comfortable, but would actually take pleasure in helping me use those toys.
Lucky for me, I have found several partners in the past year who share my pleasure in incorporating larger toys into our sex lives. I recently visited a sex toy store in San Francisco that specializes in large toys, and I bought one that taught me that I do, in fact, have a carrying capacity. I have no idea what I was thinking — it’s practically larger than a newborn baby. When I brought it back home, my then-boyfriend was up for the challenge, but what resulted was a hilarious scene. He pushed against the base with all his might; it took a few minutes and a lot of lube, but it finally made it in. I immediately realized my eyes had been larger than my vagina, so to speak. “NOPE! NOT HAPPENING!” I exclaimed, and out it came. We laughed so hard afterwards, and we both had a good sense of humor about the failed monster-dildo moment. His attitude about the whole ordeal made me trust him a lot and made me feel even more attracted to him. Most importantly, I knew he understood how my adventurous nature in the sex-toy department had nothing to do with what I wanted from his body. I’ve realized that it’s a dealbreaker for me if a guy isn’t cool with my love of big sex toys. That’s how I masturbate, and I’m not going to hide my toys from anyone just because there’s a stigma surrounding them. As someone who sells sex toys for a living, I’ve seen many people point and laugh at more girthy dildos and ask, “What freak would use that?” To which I reply, “Me — that’s one of my favorite toys, actually,” and I flash them a big smile. The more I embrace my sexuality and recognize what gives me pleasure, the less I worry about what others may think about me — and my big toys.
*Names have been changed.