Discussing politics has often involved the use of, let’s face it, boring comparisons. Whether it’s chess or football or a relay race, political talking heads, elected officials, and voters often lean on these trite parallels to make governing appear more interesting. But right now, I’d take a lame “3rd and long on the 5 yard line” reference over an emerging and disturbing trend: comparing electoral politics to sex.
On Monday, Randi Mayem Singer, the screenwriter of Mrs. Doubtfire, tweeted her, shall we say, “excitement” over President-elect Joe Biden’s cabinet appointments. “Biden’s flow of experienced and qualified cabinet picks are like Democracy foreplay,” the now-deleted tweet began. “I can’t wait for the orgasm Jan. 20th.”
So, to this we have to ask: Why? Why? Did we learn nothing in 2018, when a woman tweeted a sexual performance analogy about Beto O'Rourke that was so cringe-worthy it had many of us ready to carve our eyeballs out with a spoon? “Ojeda and Avenatti as candidates are like the guy who thinks good sex is pumping away while you’re making a grocery list in your head wondering when he’ll be done,” Leah McElrath wrote. “O’Rourke is like the guy who is all sweet and nerdy but holds you down and makes you cum until your calves cramp.” That should have put an end to all politics-sex comparisons. And possibly the internet.
But it's not much of a stretch, I guess, when considering the fact that Democrats spent a good eight years of President Barack Obama’s administration being horny on main. Whether it was fawning over pictures of the 44th president when he was in college or gushing over his cropped “mom jeans” and Stan Smiths, there was no end to the public lusting of the most powerful man on the planet. Perhaps this isn't specific to liberals, considering that many have pined for Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeu and ogled over Joseph Kennedy III. But a lot of time and money have been spent crafting articles like “13 Super Hot Politicians Who Also Deserve Your Thirst” and “Hot Dem! The Liberals We Love.” Lest we forget the 2020 Cuomosexuals, who are currently in the process of eating their words after the beloved centrist governor abhorrently handled the second wave of New York's COVID-19 outbreak.
And it’s not like politicians themselves haven’t forced us (against our will!) to think about them having sex. Whether it’s Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) liking a porn tweet on the anniversary of September 11; or Rep. Raul Labrador tweeting “Me likey broke girls” after a “sexy” 2 Broke Girls Super Bowl ad; or Rep. Denver Riggleman (R-VA) being accused of liking “Bigfoot erotica”; or former congressman and convicted sex offender Anthony Weiner tweeting a picture of his penis. Needless to say, our elected officials do a bang-up job conflating sex and politics all on their own. They really don’t need the help of pundits and their relentless “between the sheets” fodder.
So here is our plea to make it stop: May this be the death of all comments comparing electoral politics to sex. Because when our elected officials cannot find a way to provide Americans aid in the midst of a global pandemic that has killed over 250,000 Americans and left millions more unemployed, sheltering-in-place, and facing possible eviction, we don’t need to consider them failing to find a person’s g-spot, either. *cringe*