So, when I noticed The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise star Blake Horstmann sporting low-slung gray sweatpants and little else — save for a brandished panda mug — during an Instagram scroll, I paused. What I found was one of the most carefully planned thirst traps in history. I will be thinking about it for the remainder of the year.
The picture itself should be fairly straightforward. It shows Horstmann standing on a deck in his hometown of Bailey, CO. Behind him are some potted plants that appear to be levitating (they were left by The Bachelorette during season 14 hometown dates, according to Horstmann in the comments). But then you realize the temperature. The iPhone weather app says the high in Bailey is 46 degrees today. Still, Horstmann is shirtless and proudly wearing nothing but those gray sweatpants. It is unclear if he even remembered to put on shoes. The longer you ponder how cold Horstmann may be, the more you realize how purposefully his pants, say, accentuate his bottom half.
This is the absolute point of the photo, since Horstmann just comes out and says it. One of the hashtags in the caption reads, “#yesthisisathirsttrap.” Another confusingly reveals, “#yesmysistertakesmythirsttraps” (poor Tori Horstmann). A third confirms, “#yesmynipsarehard.” Horstmann’s nips are hard and he wants you to know about it. (We have eyes, Blake.)
Two more clues in the caption point out just how much work went into this Friday afternoon thirst post. According to yet another hashtag, Horstmann used the blur tool on the picture. The suggestion is that he blurred out his package — which immediately calls into question what the original image looked like. The post on Instagram is already fairly straightforward about Horstmann’s natural gifts. Adding to the intrigue, one commenter wrote, “You didn’t HAVE to blur.” Horstmann responded, “Debatable.” Cancel all future political debates because we will be filibustering on this one forever.
The final noteworthy hashtag instructs viewers to “look at the tags.” If you follow this recommendation, you realize Horstmann added a tag directly over his crotch. “Nice Try” it says. He got us.
Multiple stars in the Bachelor Nation universe — and beyond — were also caught by Horstmann’s A Beautiful Mind-level thirst trappery. Listen to Your Heart star Jamie Gabrielle commented, “These hashtags,” with a cry-laughing emoji. Horstmann responded, “Hahaha I love my #s.” Nothing sounds more like a banal Bumble conversation. “Venmo John” Graham asked, “Is it cold out there or are you just happy to see me?,” with the addition of the eggplant emoji. Horstmann’s answer: “Both.” Even Love Is Blind alum Kelly Chase jumped into the fray, saying, “We can talk about this on the Podcast! Blurred [eggplant emoji] hard nips and love.” Horstmann quickly agreed. (After a heavy investigation, the podcast in question continues to be a mystery, so the d
ickscourse will have to remain in the comments.)
We have not heard the last from Blake Horstmann, or his sweatpants. Somewhere, Justin Theroux smiles.