What a week of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, Bachelor Nation. On week 5 of The Bachelorette, Hannah and her remaining 15 men hop and skip across the pond to Scotland, leaving behind the terrible juju of wintry Rhode Island. For her first date...
…Oh, what’s that? We still have unfinished business from last week’s nauseating Luke P. versus Luke S. tiff? Hm. Well, seems like we have to take care of that first. The episode picks up exactly where we left off last week, with Hannah sitting on a couch between Luke P. and Luke S., demanding that they hash their issues out in front of her. The general consensus among the other men, by the way, is that the situation just plain sucks, though Garrett does call Hannah a “tough cookie” at one point, which is a nice, supportive touch.
Luke S. lays into Luke P., calling him out for his “bold-faced lie” about his tequila company and blaming him for sabotaging his relationship with Hannah. Luke P., likely someone who’s had to deal with similar accusations in the past, pushes back, proclaiming his innocence and saying point-blank: “I don’t see [you as] a right fit for Hannah.”
Hannah’s exasperated expression, weary from having to listen to their verbal sparring, is literally all of us at home. At a certain point, our Bachelorette simply gets up and stalks off to stare angrily into a fire. But the dudes keep going at it, pointing fingers at each other until Chris Harrison finally has to intervene. And by intervene, I mean walk into the room and declare the night done. The whole house is upset, but it’s time for a rose ceremony, damn it, and so the men all try to shake off the day and get ready for the bloodbath.
But before Hannah can even start doling out morose roses, Luke S. pulls her aside and does something that is actually pretty stand-up and smart on his end: he sends himself home. Given how his scuffle with Luke P. shook out, and how all the other guys in the mansion are on his side, it’s obvious that Hannah’s still probably, most definitely, going to give Luke P. a second (or third, or fourth) chance. And since Luke S. can’t stand being in the same room as the guy, he humbly bows out with a warning to “keep her eyes open.”
“I think you know what I’m talking about,” he says, as though anyone needs reminding. After Luke S. exits, the remaining 14 men try their best to keep their heads in the game, and ultimately, Peter, Connor S., Dylan, Dustin, Mike, Kevin, Devin, Grant, and… Luke P. get roses, meaning that Matteo and John Paul Jones (nooooooo) get sent home.
“I haven’t had time to explore our relationship the way I think it needs to be explored,” Hannah quips to the cameras, admitting to the bushels full of red flags she’s been getting about him. So does she mean physically explored, or what? Because even his awkward add-on to her toast to Scotland lands flat, with no one raising their glasses and Mike choke-laughing at the absurdity of it all.
And now, with that drivel over and done with, it’s off to Scotland! Poor Hannah attempts once again to sound learned and knowledgeable about their new destination, but only manages to mumble something about how she’s taking on the role of Marie Queen of Scots, “except not get beheaded.”
The men unload their stuff at the castle and head on over to a local pub, where Hannah pops by to surprise them with a toast (girl is good at toasts, let’s be clear about that!), telling the now-12 men that she’s really ready to open her heart after a rough, emotional week. “Cheers to focusing on the real and focusing on truly being able to open our hearts to love.”
With that toast out of the way, Hannah’s eager to move on — and who better to move on with than Mike, whose bright smile could warm any brooding Bachelorette’s heart? “I’m going on a one-on-one,” Mike tells the cameras, his smile barely budging as he speaks. “I’m so happy right now.” Meanwhile, the rest of guys are still stuck hanging out with Luke P. all afternoon, and the mood sours as Luke P. once again attempts to twist words to suit his needs. So much for a fresh start, eh?
Mike and Hannah relish in being away from the drama, and spend their day strolling around Inverness doing all the requisite goofy, touristy things, like shopping for hats, smelling old books, and sucking sour candy 'til their eyes almost popped out at a sweet shop. (Mike’s facial expression was arguably just as bad as it was when he was shocked during simulated labor contractions a few weeks back.) And, importantly, they go scotch tasting, and Hannah gets a little loosey-goosey. Over haggis, the pair get serious about their silly dynamic, and Mike makes a sweet admission: “I can’t stop smiling. I just want to be around you, more and more.” Aww, Mike!
That night, Hannah is positively glowing from the greatness of the first half of their date, and Mike rides that wave and asks Hannah about her past relationships and how she got to be on first The Bachelor and now The Bachelorette, a refreshing change of pace for both Hannah and us as the audience.
“I’ve been living my life from man to man and adapting myself to those relationship because I didn’t love myself,” Hannah admits, as Mike nods and listens intently. “There were nights when I would cry and feel completely broken.” Usually exuberant Mike then gets somber, telling Hannah that he’s nervous about the process on his end because he doesn’t want to get his heart broken again. “I haven’t been in love almost half a decade,” he tells the cameras. “And now that I’m growing feelings for her, I’m terrified.”
Nothing to be nervous about, Mikey! The military vet’s sincere declaration of love (“I can see myself getting down on one knee in a few weeks if I’m ever so lucky”) is met with a flustered “thank you” and a rose, sealing what was likely the sweetest (and sourest) one-on-one thus far this season.
Back at the castle, a group date card arrives, and Devin, Tyler, Dylan, Jed, Grant, Connor S., Dustin, Peter, Kevin, and Garrett are summoned for what seems to be another warrior-in-training physical competition. This leaves Luke P. with the second one-on-one date of the week, a fact that the guys have all sorts of feelings about, especially when Luke P. announces that he’s at a “breaking point” and needs “clarity” to figure out where to go next in his relationship with Hannah.
The guys waste no time getting pumped for their group date the next day, which turns out to be the first-ever Bachelorette Highland Games, with competitions like axe throwing (the guys are terrible at it, while Hannah is a natural pro), milk bucket racing, and full-on Scottish wrestling (no Luke P. involvement here). After a few practice rounds, it’s time for the real games, complete with cheering/booing crowd and two very hairy Scotsmen (one of them is named Charlie, we learn).
The men don kilts, sans underwear, which leads to, naturally, all sorts of blush-worthy moments. “I think my mom’s probably gonna get upset that all those people saw my butt,” Dylan says at one point during the games. And it’s true, black blockout censors were used generously throughout the group date, likely something Hannah had no problem with.
“I saw all the bagpipes,” she announces to the camera at the end of the group date. “But then again, it’s not the size of your bagpipes so much as how you play it.” Musician Jed, possibly overhearing Hannah’s sexually charged innuendo, steps up during the date and requests that Hannah (gently) body slam him down on the ground — where he sweetly steals a smooch. (Dylan politely boos on the sidelines). All in all, fun was had by all.
Back at the castle, Mike and Luke P. are having a staring contest showdown, with Mike trying to talk some sort of reason into Luke. “I am concerned deeply with what you intend to tell Hannah tomorrow,” he says slowly, so Luke doesn’t miss a word. Luke P. blinks and says some things. Later, Mike “stumbles” upon a book about Evasive Monsters (good job, producers), and comes up with a genius nickname for Luke: the Luke Ness Monster. Twitter gold right there.
That night, for the cocktail party portion of the group date, Hannah revels in a drama-free night and gets to actually focus on her relationship with the remaining men rather than any spats between them. Plus, she gets to make out with Jed, Peter, Tyler, and goodness knows who else (get it, girl!). Garrett steps up to the plate, Connor tells her he’d “fight” for her, and Devin presents her with a scroll in Gaelic that reads, “It takes time to build a castle.” All these men, really pulling all the stops! Group date rose still goes to Jed, though, for his tenacious moves on the field (and his masterful makeout skills, apparently!).
The next day could not be more different. For her one-on-one date with Luke P., Hannah feels apprehensive. Tell-tale sign? Her date card read: “Luke, let’s figure things out … one way or another."
“There’s no denying the connection that we have, and there’s also no denying there’s red flags all over the place,” she says in a confessional, then actually listing the red flags that she’s collected so far. “Either today is my first one-o-one with my husband, or it’s the last one-on-one date with Luke.”
Luke P., still convinced that he has the competition in the bag, shows up to the date like a beacon of positivity, but ultimately doesn’t give Hannah what she wants, needs, and deserves, aka answers. All he seems to do is riff on the idea of giving her “clarity” and talk about how tough the whole process has been on him. (Ask better questions, Luke!). Hannah, for her part, is beside herself about the fact that Luke seems incapable of talking about anything real or emotional, but that he has robot-like reflexes when it comes to saying what he thinks she wants to hear.
When Hannah tells him that she wants to be with a man that people are “drawn to,” Luke's robot response system really dives off the deep end by informing her that in fact, aside from this particular group of guys at the castle, “everyone loves me.” Not what Hannah wants to hear, my dude. Our Bachelorette carries that frustration and annoyance with her through a field of flowers, through a castle visit she clearly doesn’t want to take part in, and to the evening meal, where she ultimately, after an exhausting back-and-forth during which she literally begs Luke to say one single human sentence, opts not to give Luke P. the rose.
And the way that she tells him off is one for the books. “You do have faults and things that are frustrating,” she tells him when he tries to convince himself and her that he’s practically flawless as a human being. “You have to own up to it. I don’t want to be married to somebody who thinks it’s everybody else’s fault and won’t take ownership.”
Girl, finally. Luke getting the boot has been a long time coming, but not so fast!
If the teaser trailer for next week’s episode is any indication, it’s unfortunately not the last we’ve seen of the Luke Ness Monster yet. Ho boy.
Unforgettable stops along this journey:
During the Highland Games group date, Hannah quips that “these men need to work on their aim.” Cut to Hannah tossing the axe just once and hitting the wood with a solid thunk. Her reaction is actually the best thing ever: “Bow down to your queen!” Hannah Beast demands of her men.
Jed smooches Hannah right off the bat when they sit down together during the evening portion of the date, and an excited Hannah actually tries to straddle him in her tight dress, which leads to one of the best moments of the episode, when poor Kevin almost interrupts their intimate moment. Later, when Jed tells the guys that his talk with Hannah was “good,” Kevin stuffs a grape into his mouth and says, “I actually saw it as well. It was real good.”
At one point during their one-on-one date, Hannah gets so frustrated at Luke that she walks off. Two producers go to comfort her and presumably offer some words of wisdom. A desperate Hannah then breaks a major fourth wall by asking them, “Can somebody talk to him about what I mean when I say ‘How do you feel?’” One producer legitimately sounds like they’re chuckling when they respond, “YOU have to talk to him about that.”