I’ve had about 10 proper relationships, but I’ve probably slept with about 40 people in total, maybe more. Any boyfriends I had, I was half in, half out, and I wasn’t really present. I was a very chaotic person and anyone who met me would’ve only seen the surface. I assumed guys would never mind that I wanted sex all the time, but some of them did. They realized that, for me, sex was never about connection. I wanted very rough sex, I wanted to push limits, I wanted to feel powerless in the situation but by choice. It wasn’t healthy, loving, "relationship sex." It was brutal, raucous sex. It had to feel perverse but as if I was choosing for it to happen. It probably wasn’t nice for them to know that they were a means to an end.