Between Justin Bieber professing his love for Hailey Baldwin on Instagram and Donald Trump selecting Brett Kavanaugh as a Supreme Court appointee, the Bachelorette drama was really through the roof tonight! I mean, who was Becca going to pick: Hailey Baldwin, a supermodel sometimes accused of dating Shawn Mendes, or Brett Kavanaugh, who argued against allowing an undocumented minor to get an abortion last year? Tough snacks on this party table, folks.
Becca's actual snacks aren't that tasty or interesting. Especially now that she's sent home Wills and Leo, two of her Bachelor unicorns. (She already sent Venmo John home last week. He's the other Bachelor unicorn.) The remains are men who all sort of look like Shrek when Shrek was bewitched into looking like a man. Which is to say, if a witch were brewing a transformative potion that would turn anyone into the ideal Bachelorette contestant, the brew would produce Jason, Blake, Colton, and Garrett. Four shades of the same strapping gentleman.
This episode takes place in the Bahamas, a place Becca really wants us to know that she loves. She tells Chris Harrison that she'd been dying to go. And Chris Harrison, having clocked in for his requisite hour on set, gives her a few sleepy nods. In the Bahamas, Becca flourishes. She is decisive and kind. She is good at dancing, and decent and conch-diving. Becca Kufrin is having the time of her life. Would that we, the viewer, could do the same. (Supreme Court justice, etc.)
There are four dates in this episode, three of which are one-on-ones. The one-on-ones fall neatly in line with one another, varying templates of a Bachelorette date. First, Colton and Becca go on a catamaran and dive for conches. Colton's big secret — aside from dating Tia Booth and Aly Raisman — is that he's a virgin. He's 26, and, he explains to Becca, he's saving himself for the "right heart." He also, once more, throws Aly Raisman under the bus, claiming their relationship was just too hard for Colton to give up his virginity.
To her credit, Becca replies with, "Really?" She looks stunned. She then gets up and alights on a balcony, looking out into the distance. Contemplating the vastness of the universe, I guess. On Twitter, Becca claimed that this hiatus was just a bathroom break, but the show definitely sold it as a dramatic pause. Becca is too invested in Colton to let this deter her interest in him.
"Colton is a hunky man. He is like this bronzed God, if you will," she tells the camera, looking bashful. (This particular writer thinks he looks a bit like Syndrome from The Incredibles.) She joked while conch diving that she and Colton "don't need any aphrodisiacs." The conch is, apparently, an aphrodisiac.
Colton gets a rose, perhaps because he's a bronzed God. But also maybe because in the next episode, he will be confronted by his past with Tia Booth.
This episode really muscles in some drama between the guys, insinuating that the remaining men don't think Becca and Colton are right together. Blake and Garrett in particular are incredulous when Colton returns with a rose. For the most part, all of the men are struggling with jealousy at this point, although Blake is highlighted as more obsessive. Blake is very concerned with getting a one-on-one. And don't worry — he does. But Garrett gets a date first.
Garrett's date includes: flying on a small water plane, sitting on the beach, and eating dinner. All routine stuff. He confesses to Becca that he's falling in love with her, and does so surprisingly well.
"I'm not perfect, I know you're probably not perfect, the world's not perfect, but we could be perfect together," he tells her, almost directly quoting Next to Normal. Becca gets weepy at his admission. She wishes she could tell him the same, but, alas, the rules of the game are strict.
Garrett also elaborates on his 2-month marriage, which was a source of scrutiny for a minute. "I was young and probably a little immature and wanted this future with children," he says, giving the explanation we expected. She was "hot-headed," though, and Garrett ultimately couldn't handle it. Becca has concerns that this relationship might unfurl the same way, but he reassures her that wouldn't happen. Plus, from what we've seen, Becca is almost relentlessly cool.
Garrett receives a rose gleefully, and the third and final one-on-one goes to Blake, the grouchy princess. According to the other men in the house, Blake is "cracking" under pressure. He really wants a date. Like, really. He doesn't seem aware that he's a frontrunner in this competition. Lo and behold, he gets one, and the Baha Men return with a new single. That should have been the first and only thing promoted about this episode. The Baha Men return. With a new single. And, Blake dances to their new single with Becca. He likes to dance, and even appraises Becca's dancing skills favorably. (Something about her having movement in her hips.)
At his dinner, which is requisitely emotional, he reveals that he's had a complicated home life. His mother, he says, had an affair with his basketball coach/English teacher. He was 15, and they lived in a small town. This meant that the whole town knew. Poor Blake would make a great character in an episode of The O.C.
Most importantly, he tells Becca that he's in love with her. Becca is flustered and excited in return. So much love! She feels the same way, but she can't reveal it just yet.
"All I want to do is tell him that I'm in love with him, and it's so difficult to hold back," she explains. They make out against a house and he gets a rose.
And, finally, the group date. This is a plaintive group date, because Jason, Wills, and Leo are clearly such good friends. They don't want anyone to leave. They also (sort of) want to date Becca. Well, Leo maybe doesn't. He confesses in what might be the only honest moment of the franchise that he can't give Becca what she wants.
"These guys can give her nice houses," he says, referring to the other men in the house. He's not wrong. Finances aren't something discussed on this show, probably because most of the contestants are luxuriating in extra funds. But what if they aren't? Leo also seems to sense that Becca wants a specific type of life. She wants a minivan and kids. Leo is a stuntman and occasional comedian, and this life might not match hers.
"It's only fair to you to not bring in your family," Becca says after Leo confesses that he's not feeling their relationship. He wanders the beach looking despondent before taking his leave of the date.
Only one rose left.
Between Jason and Wills the answer should be, irreversibly, Wills. Wills is a graphic designer with a flair for good clothing. He's kind and he likes Harry Potter. He tells Becca that his mother is effortlessly friendly and makes friends wherever she goes. Becca says her mother is the same, and they marvel at the fact that their parents are so friendly. Wills then tells her he's falling in love with her, adding, "I don't play lightly with that word."
Jason, by contrast, is more hesitant to use that language. But he fits in Becca's mold: dad-ish, slick-ish, and a version of Shrek's human alter ego. Becca goes with Jason, telling Wills that she hopes he finds love.
Riding away in the limo, Wills says, simply, "That means she's not my person." Now, what if Suzy Collins said that about Brett Kavanaugh?
The Dearly Departed: Wills, Leo