For His First Job, Armie Hammer Helped His Classmates Masturbate

Photo: Gennady Avramenko/Getty Images.
Armie Hammer, he of the blazing-blue eyes and the toddling film career, has always been business savvy. On The Late Late Show With James Corden Thursday night, the actor revealed that for his first "job," he ran his own middle school business, as E! Online reports. The canny young Hammer operated like the best entrepreneurs — by selling what his tweeny classmates needed most: Playboy magazines and mini bottles of lotion.
"You would sell pornographic magazines and a small bottle lotion to boys at your school?" Corden clarified. The two items are excellent complements, if you catch my drift. There wasn't much overhead, either — the magazines were stolen and he obtained his lotion supply from hotels.
"It sounds so much worse when you say it out loud! But in my head it wasn't that bad; I was just an entrepreneur," Hammer explained.
Hammer wasn't the only young boy to have such an idea. Catastrophe's Rob Delaney, who also appeared on the show, ran a similar operation at his middle school. But Delaney only sold Penthouse and Playboy — no wee moisturizers.
"I would steal Playboy and Penthouse magazines. Then I would bring them into school and sell them to my friends," Delaney, 40, recounted.
If we're comparing the two strategies — why shouldn't we? — Hammer's is much keener. Delaney probably turned a nice profit on his pilfered mags, but he didn't think to accessorize his product. Hammer's mini bottles of lotion are the middle school business equivalent of selling a phone case with a phone. The customer doesn't have to purchase the phone case, but it'd sure be convenient if they did.
Alas, Hammer's business didn't last very long. One of his customers — a suspicious kid named Dan — tattled almost immediately, and Hammer had to close up shop. Lucky for us cinephiles, Hammer turned away from the life of a salesman after middle school and became an actor. Now the 30-year-old rising star is winning over audiences in the new shoot-em-up Free Fire and the upcoming romantic drama Call Me By Your Name. As if that weren't enough, he also has a swell Instagram presence.
Watch the full clip from The Late Late Show With James Corden, below.

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