Samantha Bee's Message To POTUS: "Don't Cry, Little Donny"

Samantha Bee started out last night's Full Frontal episode roasting a deserving target: the pundits. While they were grading Donald Trump's speech to Congress on a serious curve, Sam Bee was basically banging her head against the wall.

"I feel like tonight, Donald Trump became the president," Chris Wallace from Fox News said in one of the first clips played on the show.

"Not only was he more presidential, he was a politician," said Martha Raddatz from ABC News.

"That was one the most extraordinary moments you have ever seen in American politics, period," said CNN contributor Van Jones, the Kool-Aid still dripping off his chin.

Bee spoke for a vast segment of the population when she shouted (like the shrill, angry liberal she is):

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, QUESTION MARK, EXCLAMATION POINT, RAGE EMOJI?!?!?!"

Ah, that excessive punctuation felt GOOD. If she had a desk, some Jon Stewart-style desk pounding would have been in order.

Bee continued: "I know it's extraordinary that he learned to read something, finally. I didn’t think he could do it either! But you don’t have to gush like he’s a toddler who just made a boom boom on the big-boy potty."

Just like that, the most unforgettable visual of the episode was born.

Pop quiz: Who said this, your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving or the president of the United States of America?

"How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!" Trump tweeted on March 4.

Bee had the only plausible explanation for his Saturday-morning tweet-a-thon: Maybe he rolled over onto his remote and woke up during an episode of The Wire? (Wrong Black guy, Mr. President.) Either way, she pretty much cemented her status as our Dream Dinner Party Guest of 2017 when she said:

"Oh, that's new, white guy shoots himself in the dick and tries to pin it on the Black guy. When has that ever happened?" (Hint: It's happened. A lot. Bee's staff clearly did hours of research to find proof, since a whole bunch of headlines popped up behind her describing scenarios in which that exact thing happened.)

Where's Obama this whole time? Like the class act he is, he can't even pretend to GAF. He's sipping from coconuts and kitesurfing with billionaires! That's how you stand up to an online bully.

"I get why Obama would 'tap-p' your phone," said Bee. "Just look how angry he is and obsessed with you; he can barely stay up on that surfboard from all the rage and hatred of your administration."

In typical Sam Bee style, she brought us home at the end:

"So, to recap, president Tough Guy got his feelings hurt because his special bridezilla moment got stepped on by drama between his two boyfriends," she says.

(Those two boyfriends would be Vladimir Putin and Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, btw. The "drama" is Russia's interference in the 2016 election.)

"So, of course, he fished up a victimization narrative from the right-wing propaganda swamp and hysterically ugly-cried it all over the internet, forcing professional journalists to spend the next 72 hours talking to Mike Huckabee’s daughter [Sarah Huckabee Sanders is Trump's new senior adviser] about whether the most scandal-free president in living memory is a bigger criminal than Nixon."

Were they forced, though? It's more like they're too chicken-shit to break norms, and too shell-shocked to know how to react to an administration so utterly not normal.

Bee also pointed out that there is at least one way in which Trump is extremely presidential.

"When he spouts nonsense, it has immediate global consequences and makes us less safe because he’s THE FUCKING PRESIDENT."

But unfortunately, his staff still treats him like "a dangerously strong show chimp," she said. When he seemed upset about the fallout of the Obama-wiretapping tweet last week, his aides tried to cheer him up by showing him Muslim Ban 2.0.

"Are we going to have to eliminate another civil liberty every time the president is cranky and won’t go down for his nap? Oh don’t cry, little Donny. Oh look, it’s the keys to the private prisons where we’re going to lock up all the undocumented immigrants!"

She jiggled a huge ring of keys. After the show, we can only assume she gulped down a fishbowl-sized glass of wine and tried not to read the news for a few hours — but failed, just like the rest of us.

There was also a gross segment about Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker's diet that I couldn't digest so soon after dinner. Then came a disturbing bit about white supremacists taking over CPAC in which she called the "new" GOP "a multi-headed turd beast," and we caught a glimpse of Ken Bone. But nothing could beat seeing Donald Trump as a toddler.

Watch the segment below.