While Joe Biden and Barack Obama are set to address the nation at Wednesday night’s Democratic National Convention, Republican nominee Donald Trump will spend the evening addressing Reddit’s “The_Donald” — an 180,000-subscriber subreddit entirely dedicated to a man they un-ironically refer to as “our God Emperor.” (Yes, really. We’ve hit peak troll.)
In preparation for this momentous attempt to break the internet, we’ve collected a list of questions we’d love Trump to answer during his 6:30 p.m. Ask Me Anything.
Apart from revealing the material his hair is made out of, we’d love Trump to disclose:
When exactly was America great?
We aren’t questioning America’s greatness. We’re merely inquiring about what the golden age was to which you want to return? Was it during its founding in 1776? (Things were pretty swell, ya know, apart from that whole slavery and massacre of Native Americans thing.) How about the next 144 years, when women didn’t have the right to vote? The post-WWII '50s were cool, if you’re willing to overlook segregation, the lack of legalized abortion, and some other fun stuff. Or how about during the AIDs epidemic in the 1980s, when the LGBTQ community not only didn’t have rights, but were sometimes viewed as criminals?
Pray tell, Donald, where should we time travel back to?
On your first Trump-Putin joint family vacation, are you most excited for the:
A. Shirtless horseback riding
B. Shirtless dolphin swimming
C. Shirt-optional tiger petting
This election cycle has provided the perfect backdrop for a budding bromance between Trump and Russian president Vladimir Putin — so why wouldn’t they go in on a summer share off the Siberian Coast together for their Pinky and The Brain-style collusion sessions about world domination? (We’ll let you decide who’s Pinky and who’s The Brain.)
What are you thinking of calling your state-run newspaper?
Considering that Trump has already reportedly blacklisted reporters from BuzzFeed, Politico, The Daily Beast, The Huffington Post, and Univision, and has very publicly revoked the press credentials of what he describes as the “phony and dishonest Washington Post” — you know, the little newspaper that exposed Watergate — we’re pretty sure that he’s had some focus groups workshopping names for the state-run paper he’s going to launch upon his election and are dying to hear the top contenders! (We’d like to offer up The Trumpet. Or just, Breitbart.)
Do you gym, tan, laundry or laundry, gym, tan?
Just kidding; we all know that the answer is just tan. There’s no way The Donald knows how to operate a washing machine (vital home/family tasks, like changing diapers, just aren't his thing).
Who’s typing out these AMA answers for you right now?
Because there’s a lot of speculation that you’ve never used a computer. (Trump reportedly doesn’t have one on his desk and is very hesitant about “the email thing” — staff reportedly print out messages, as he, much like your grandparents, prefers to read them on paper.)
Are you serious?
About any of this, really.