Amy Schumer Reveals Her Teenage Near-Death Experience

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Pictured: Amy Schumer in November 2015.
It's scary to think about but, guys, we almost lost Amy Schumer. The comedian's new cover story with Vanity Fair mentions her near-death experience after injuring her leg while surfing alone as a teen. Schumer shared all the gruesome details, so stop reading now if you're a bit squeamish. "I have a pretty bad scar on my leg from surfing," she told writer Bruce Handy. "Forty-one stitches, three layers. I skegged myself. My whole fin went into my leg, and I had to yank it out. I was by myself." Fortunately, she found a stranger who was able to help. "He held my leg closed with his bare hands — just fat and blood coming out.," she recalled. "I wish I knew who that guy was, because he saved my life, for sure. He had blue toenail polish and nail polish; he had long stringy hair. And I remember him being beautiful. Anyway, he held my leg closed." Despite the serious injury and the crowd that had formed around her, Schumer told the magazine that she kept making jokes while she waited for the ambulance to come. Inside, though, she was imagining the worst, including the threat of sharks lured by her open wound. "That [sharks] was my first thought," she said. "That’s why I got right out of there. But my thoughts while I was coming out — I remember them. I thought, Well, I’m going to die. I can’t believe I’m going to die like this. Then I’m like, Oh, no [I’m not going to die] — but I’m going to lose my leg. And now I’m going to have to go and be a speaker at high schools and, like, motivate people. I was so annoyed about my life. I was just like, Ucchh. And then it was fine." The motivational speaker circuit's loss is our gain.

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