Things You Hope To Never Find In Your Yard, Starting With This

Picture, if you will, a beautiful Saturday morning. The sun is shining, and there isn't a cloud in the sky. You sit up in bed, stretch, and think to yourself, I'm going to do some gardening. In fact, you have a whole Pinterest board called "Like a Moss" filled with landscaping ideas for your outdoor space. Yes, you think, Today's the day I make those Pinterest ideas my horticultural bitch. With that, you bound out of bed, get dressed, chug some coffee, and locate a shovel. First up: It's time to relocate a dying plant that's been marring your beautiful lawn for years. You start digging. You strike something hard. Yes — it's the root. That was fast! You dig around, slowly excavating the plant's undercarriage. In time, all is revealed. What is this HORROR?!
Foot that a thing? Or, is it a troll foot of some kind? Have you been transported to The Shire in Middle-earth, and your yard is actually a Hobbit burial ground? Are you in M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening, and this is the first sign that the trees are going to murder us all and take over the planet? It's time to abort this whole landscaping mission. Your yard is clearly possessed by demons of some sort, and it's probably best not to disturb the ancient forces of evil that have controlled it for centuries. They were here before us, and they'll be here long after we're gone. Cover up the foot root with dirt, pat it down, and back away slowly. Go inside and watch Netflix. Ignore the apocalypse happening outside that you most likely caused when you dug up that root. If anyone asks, you've been watching Orange Is the New Black all day. Piper is totally the worst this season. Or, to look on bright side: Maybe you're growing your own Groot! Now, let's dance.

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