Today, it was announced that Ariana Grande, the very tiny pop star with the very big voice, is launching a fragrance. Just like Lady Gaga, Beyoncé, Rihanna, and Britney Spears before her, Grande has succumbed to the vast, vacuous world of celebrity perfumes. They have bottled her soul — her very essence — and then watered it down and added a little bit of “eau de cupcake” so the kids will enjoy it. In other words, today is the day that Ariana Grande officially becomes a celebrity. Congrats, girl! Further details on the scent are yet to be released. Although, Ariana did tell WWD that she’s “always been obsessed with perfume,” even going so far as to carry “like six different scents in my bag, another three in my suitcase, and another couple in my car.” Given Ariana’s penchant for bows, bunny ears, and the color pink, we’re going to take an educated guess and say that the scent will stay safely in the “sweet, gourmand” category. When you spray it on (using a pink atomizer, perhaps?), it will release a magical mist of rainbows and fairy dust — the liquid version of Glitter (sorry, Mariah, I had to!) — and have a faint smell of brand-new lipstick, fresh from the tube. It will remind you of your favorite, indulgently fruity drugstore hairspray (you know, the one you used in junior high), and it will linger on your skin and clothes for just as long.
It’s the smell of teen spirit, but not the rebellious kind. It’s the selfie-taking, #OOTD, braces, and kittens generation that exudes joy. It is she who will relish in this Ariana Grande bottle. She will put this right next to her One Direction perfume, and she will love it, and if you say ANYTHING bad about Ariana or any of those British boys, she will troll you for three weeks on Twitter in the wee hours of the morning when your old ass is asleep. She will also buy the shimmering body lotion that will inevitably accompany this scent, and apply it copiously and religiously every single day.
Ah, youth. Perhaps, we’ll purchase this perfume, too, and spray it around ourselves on those days when the 9-to-5 is feeling particularly brutal. It will hit stores in September.
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